Gilbert Gottfried

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“See, he was happy... once... ”

~ Gilbert's Mother on her mistake

“Yeah, he does look Oriental, doesn't he? That's fucking weird. It's like somebody got their chocolate in their peanut butter. 'You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!' 'You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!' When asked, I just say, 'I did not make that.' ”

~ God on Gilbert Gottfried not being one of his own

“That's the most Asian-looking Jew I ever saw. I'm sure that went over well growing up in Hymietown.”

~ Rev. Jessie Jackson on Gilbert Gottfried

“What the hell is a Gilbert Gottfried?”

~ Oscar Wilde on strange people/things... hey wait a minute what IS Gilbert Gottfried?

“I talk with a funny accent because I think I'm Fran Drescher! Also, I can't get a real job, so I go on "Hollywood Squares" to compensate!”

~ Gilbert Gottfried on what Gilbert Gottfried is

“This is one of those cases where you just wanna put him out of his own squint-eyed misery.”

~ An Asian on Gilbert Gottfried
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Gilbert Gottfried.

Gilbert Gottfried (b. 1926) is an American comedian, actor and voice artist. He is the racially-ambiguous son of Steven Gottfried and a Peking Duck entree. He is also known as the irritating voice behind thinly-veiled stereotypical characters in almost every other Disney animation film. Gottfried was voted "Sexiest Man" from Details Magazine for nine consecutive years. Being the son of a Peking Duck entree, his voice possesses a highly-distinguished mating call. This call, which was unknown by scientists to arouse a primitive part of a woman's sexual cortex, has forced Gottfried to pursue a life in show business. His voice is currently under analysis by scientists at M.I.T. while edited into hundreds of AFLAC TV commercials.

He is also known to perform loud, degrading racial humor that spirals into minstrel blackface rants at high decibel levels, due to his extensive comedy training with The Church of Scientology. Gottfried's attempts at absurdist, deconstructionist, intellectual forms of humor with no narrative nor logic are also part of his stand-up, even though despite such attempts, one could sense that he dropped out of high school because he can't read.

In addition, most comedy fans worldwide mistake him for a martial arts stooge from any of Jackie Chan's movies.

We'll let Gilbert continue from here, since he is much more qualified to talk about his own life.

What Gilbert Gottfried's Mom Thinks of Him[edit]

"Aint he cute?"

“I thought I was birthing Satan until the doctor told me that he was mistaking horns for his eyes. Still I'm not so sure...”

~ Gilbert's Mother on the above comment

Early Mistakes[edit]

Gilbert "The Ladykiller" Gottfried was born on March 16th, 1926 in Asylum, Kansas in the toilet bowl of a Chinese restaurant. Once named by Time Magazine as The Sexiest Boy, Lifeform, Extraterrestrial or Otherwise (1935). He also won the Reader's Poll (1935) in an amazing landslide (of 3 out of 3 votes) for Smoothest, Sexiest Voice. However, after acquiring these amazing feats of hotness, Gottfried unfortunately hit puberty at the age of 33 which changed his voice (and his career) forever. His outer appearance, however, was untouchable. This changed one day when, on a hunting trip, he got shot in the face by Dick Cheney.

“I thought he was a quail... Or maybe a deer. Wait... Nope, yeah he looked like a deer to me.”

~ Dick Cheney on that fated hunting trip with Gilbert


Gilbert tried to regain his astonishing sexiness through numerous hours at the gym which only resulted in him becoming an extremely buff, but highly ugly, unattractive man. However, this did not hinder his pursuit of fame and fortune. In 1975, he entered the Intergalactic Wrestling Championship (IWC) in which he defeated Ahnold Schwartzengerman, Screech, and the impeccable George Cloontang. He could not best the Chuck Norris challenge and was hospitalized for several years after suffering a near lethal roundhouse kick to the squeelyspooch.

Gilbert Gottfried after the fatal battle of wits with Chuck Norris in the 1975 IWC Tournament.

“ Damn, if they hadn't shot those giant flying bison tranquilizers in time, I would torn his soul in half.”

~ Chuck Norris on the brutal defeat of Gilbert Gottfried in the IWC

“(Beneath tears) Tell my wife I love her! (When reminded by his laywer that he's single, Gilbert quietly withdraws comment)”

Recovery Stage 2[edit]

After several humiliating years of rehabilitation, Gilbert got addicted to Vicodin and dildo worship with Halle Berry. Although the didoes were soon found out to be only a pack of frozen Farmer John hot dogs, it is noted that he was addicted to them.

The Vicodin addiction soon became a problem until he held up the White House with a nuclear weapon (soon to be found out as the new Metal Gear Sea Cucumber) for three bottles of Vicodin and a package of Oscar Meyer microwaveable hot dogs. Sadly, Gilbert soon began his steady decent into despair, in which he was soon living out of a dumpster wasting all his money on booze, hot dogs, and chicken chow mein.

Gilbert before his long recovery back to the top.

That was until he found a "new light" where he was picked up by a group of people known as $cientologists. This group brought Gilbert back to health and became a new role model for Gilbert. Even after 15 years later when he arrested several $cientologists for narcotic dealings, he still thought of each and everyone of them as his savior.

“Screw them! I'm rich again! Still ass-ugly, but rich again!”

~ Gilbert Gottfried on his recent accomplishments

“Screw them! He's rich again! Still ass-ugly, but rich again! Better yet, I'm in his will.”

~ Gilbert's Mother on his recent accomplishments

“Like I said, not one of my own.”

~ God on Gilbert Gottfried believing in Xenu in order to work forever in Hollywood

Soon after, Gilbert got into acting where he now stays, playing roles in famous B-movies and making appearances on such shows as Oprah and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno as "Loud Tiny Asian Man."

Additional Tidbits of Information[edit]


It is known that at one point, Gilbert Gottfried was a giant lobster, and was eaten by Henry VIII. He became a giant turd that morphed into the present day creature. However, due to complications, no one on this planet (or any other galaxy) knows, but he is rumored to have been born as far back as the 1st century. However, in other universes (see above), his D.O.B. is known to all.

Gilbert's father, the fiend in his best Sunday suit.

Father Abandonment[edit]

During early childhood, Gilbert awoke one cold winter morning to the closing of the front (and only) door. He rushed to the door and yelled to his fleetly moving father who was never seen by the poor child again. However, recent discoveries have come up announcing that Gottfried's father Andrew Jackson indeed did abandon him, leaving him alone in the log cabin on that February morning, but also raided the fridge before he left, and ordered an airstrike on the log cabin, only to hit its target 200 years later, due to the non-existence of airstrike capabilities in the era.

The response to the air strike caused the October 2007 brush fires in California; luckily the government quickly acted and found a stray hiker to blame it on, because the government is perfect.

World Records[edit]

Gilbert Gottfried currently holds two world records. One is the record of living in a log cabin for 200 years with no food, and the other is surviving an air strike targeted on a log cabin, both which are formidable and unlikely to be surpassed.

“The fucker lasted only 200 years, 11 months, 23 days longer than I did, but that doesn't mean I can't break it!”

~ David Blaine on Gilbert's records

And Now a Final Word from 85-Year-Old Groucho Marx, by Gilbert Gottfried[edit]

Cquote1.png This article about Gilbert Gottfried is blasphemous. He is a good Jewish boy and reminds me of that Chinaman in Breakfast at Tiffany's. He is very witty and reminds me of my days in vaudeville with Chico, Harpo, Zeppo, and myself. I think he's going to win an Academy Award someday. Cquote2.png

See also[edit]