Give me a Big Mac Or Else!

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Battle scene from the game. Jack confronts Sam Houser

Or Else!”

- Jack Thompson on the rules of the game

Mr. T brought a Whopper one time when we were playing the game...he thought it was funny as hell.”

~ Tom Hanks on Give me a Big Mac Or Else!

“Oh, I heard of a heart attack or a rap attack, But what's a big mac attack?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Give me a Big Mac Or Else!

Give me a Big Mac Or Else! is a video game created by Jack Thompson to make fun of the game industry. It instantly became popular with the very group Jack so loathes.

Rules of the game[edit]

The goal of the game is to collect as much free food/video games/porn/whatever by threatening people, preferably by appending the phrase "OR ELSE" to your demands. The collected items must then be returned to Jack Thompson's castle within a time limit.

Special Items[edit]

These are the fabled Special Items. Obtaining one involves yelling "OR ELSE!" in a special shop or place, at a special time (changes each hour or so to confuse the hell out of people).

  • Jack's spare dentures
    These powerful chompers will scare the living crap out of most animate objects. Some inanimate objects as well.
  • Subpoena
    Almost anything in the game can be sued for any reason.
  • Else
    Opposed to or, else is actually the prime prize to be won in the game. Else is worth two blue knickers, or seventy life-points, or 4159,- quid. Depends a bit on where the player stands in life.
  • Pretty white thing
    Originally called 'White Materia', until Square-Enix sued the hell out of Jack. It does precisely... dick.
  • Fake statistics
    These powerful research statistics of questionable accuracy are lethal to most lesser beings one encounters.
  • Pong San Andreas
    In order to get this item, the player must travel back in time to 1970. If one gives this item to Jack, he will use it as evidence that the game industry has been corrupting the minds of the young for too long.
  • A Conscience
    Certainly a rare item if truly there is one at all. Because no one has ever seen Jack Thompson's in use, it is unknown if it really exists, or if it is mythical, like reviving Aerith in the original Final Fantasy 7.
  • Women
    It is seriously doubtful that one can be found anywhere near Wacky Jack, unless they were paid, and even then they probably aren't really females but "shemales".

Pixelantes[edit]

Of course, this would be far too simple. This is where the Pixelantes come in. These vile criminals will attempt to steal your hard earned items, and otherwise distracting you from your goal. There are many types of Pixelantes:

  • Gamers
    These are the foot soldiers. They aren't too dangerous, and can be dispatched with a barrage of "STOP BOTHERING ME, OR ELSE!"
  • LARPers
    These don’t even qualify as a nuisance. Tend to leave when they find out their foam weapons don’t do any thing or when they realize they aren’t some kind of wizard.
  • Spriters
    A stronger form of the Gamer, these will only leave once the player give up an item for them to recolor and/or claim as their own work.
  • Webcomic artists
    These are often seen leading a large group of Gamers. Wield powerful items such as the Cardboard Tube.
  • Modders
    Modders are far more dangerous. They use their l33t hax0r skillz to alter the game enviroment, thus making it harder for contestants to get to their next target.
  • Rival attorneys
    Pixelante lawyers. Using the 1th Amendament, they are able to halt Jack's righteous crusade against video games for up to six hours. Jesus must be summoned to defeat them. This does not work for Phoenix Wright, who is invincible, and even Jack finds the evidence turned against him.
  • Game Developers
    Rarely seen. It is said that these beings have powers beyond magnitude. They can corrupt the minds of anyone within a 2 mile radius. If one is encountered, one must wait until Jack Thompson himself arrives to save the day. Only with Jack's Overwhelming Power of Logical Fallacy and his Flapping Gums of Incredible Low IQ can such demons be vanquished.
  • Warren Spector
    We're not going to lie to you. They say Warren Spector can't be beaten. Every single man or women who has stood their ground, everyone who has fought Warren Spector has died.

Soundtrack[edit]

The game is best known for it's excellent soundtrack. Some of the songs featured in the game are:

  • Yakety Sax by Boots Randolph
  • Green day - American Idiot
  • Black Eyed Peas- Let's Get Retarded (Mostly for the chorus.)
  • Presidents of the USA - Man (opposable thumb)
  • Advance Wars DS - Von Bolt's Theme (Puts a nice, "manical super-villian" spin on things when Phoinex Wright appears)
  • Chumbawamba - Outsider (*very* fitting, and fairly menacing to boot!)
  • Chumbawamba - Scapegoat
  • Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna Take It
  • Miami Relative - If I only had a brain
  • Reel Big Fish - We Hate it When
  • Reel Big Fish - Somebody Hates Me
  • The Immortals - The Ultimate Warlord
  • Steriogram - Walkie Talkie Man (A sutiably strange pick, this)
  • Reel Big Fish - Somebody Hates Me
  • Scorpions - Rock You Like A Hurricane (purely for the irony)
  • Metallica's cover of the Imperial March (When the Developers appear)
  • DVDA - Now You're A Man
  • Chad Kroeger & Josey Scott - Hero (that's what he is on the game)
  • Green Day - Basket Case (if nothing else for the first lyric in the song "Do you have time? To listen to me whine, about nothing and everything")
  • Black Sabbath - Iron Man (when he grabs the hidden "invincible" item and when summoning Jesus)
  • "Weird Al" Yankovic - I'll Sue Ya
  • The Jack Thompson Murder & Blues Band - i like to slam pre teen boys will my manly alienpenis and then get drunk and accidentally fall from a tall building and land on a dog turd

Recall[edit]

The game was recalled from stores after it was discovered that, in a cut scene, Jack compared Doug Lowenstein to Oprah. It was put back on shelves two weeks later after Jack stormed into the ESRB's boardroom, pointed his finger at the chairman, and yelled "PUT MY GAME BACK ON THE SHELVES, OR ELSE!". Other sources state that when he found an article on the internet stating how to unlock the "Hot Coffee" minigame, he quickly took all 7 copies of the game off the shelf and now keeps them in his basement. GRUEEEEEEEEEEEEE

3 months after the recall, Jack Thompson sued himself claiming that the game destroys American children as it causes them to sue everything that has eyes. Jack Thompson lost this case, and his game was removed from retail markets. This case marked Jack Thompson's one and only loss.

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Give me a Big Mac Or Else! is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.