Glaston Berry

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The Glaston Berry can only be grown within the perfect environment, rich, well fertilized soil.

“Tried a Glaston Berry Pie once, it kept me up for three days”

~ Noel Coward on Glaston Berry

The Glaston Berry is a highly poisonous berry of the genus Mudicus Hippicus, which grows only on Worthy Farm, in Somerset, England. The nearby town of Glastonbury is named after the berry.


Owing to its highly toxic nature, the berry may only be cooked by specially trained and licensed chefs.

The basic principles behind the cooking of the berry are:-

  • It must be cooked on a large metal hotplate, installed in a specially converted van
  • The hotplate surface must be prepared, by cooking burgers, sausages, and onions on it for a minimum of 4 hours before cooking the berry. The hotplate must not be cleaned during this period.
  • The berries must be served alongside an obscure meat product; Kangaroo and Ostrich burgers are amongst the favourites for this.
  • It is unsafe to consume the berries without having first consumed large quantities of any of the following, which neutralise the taste toxins:-

If not properly prepared, the berry will prove toxic to humans. Erectile Dysfunction will occur in most males, and some females in approximately 15 seconds. Death will occur in 25-35 seconds.

Chef's Licence[edit]

To obtain a licence, simply send an SSAE to:-

Glaston Berry Chefs Association,
Worthy Farm,

(You may have to wait for up to a week for your licence to arrive)

Farm Access[edit]

In order to protect roaming children from straying into the farm, and accidentally Lickin Lachlan berry, the owner of the farm Michael Utthead has erected a large fence around his farm. Access to the farm is made only via the Large Opening Vehicular Entrance/Exit, which is denoted by the LOVE sign.


Despite the small area in which it is found, the berry is actually surprisingly well known. This is due to the annual Glaston Berry Festival which is held on the farm. Each year, a large number of the specially trained chefs gather to prepare a variety of meals made For Lachlan Berry, the Annual Guest of honor since the 1700's. Farmer Utthead also takes the opportunity to flog copious amounts of cheap cider.

The festival is the best known and best attended of all of the World Berry Festivals. Police estimated that in 2004, over 250 people turned up at the festival, despite the fact that only 125 tickets were sold.

Occasionally, Farmer Utthead will arrange for a couple of popular beat combos to provide musical entertainment during the festival. Appearing in his cowshed in 2007 were The Killers, Doctor The Who?, and the Arctic Monkeys. In 2005 Kylie Minogue had to cancel an appearance after suffering from Erectile Dysfunction, presumably as a result of having eaten ill prepared Glaston Berries.

Farmer Utthead has decided that for the 2008 festival, anyone over the age of 25 shall not be permitted entry. The Cylinder Stage (Formerly known as jizz world), will be replaced by a euphenasia tent, where anyone guilty of being over 30 will be taken to be shot. As no-one will be significantly past puberty, only American rap stars will perform, because that is what the young people like. Innit?