Glenn Beck (Asshat)

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Glenn Beck looking at this Uncyclopedia article. Beck will soon trace Uncyclopedia's beginnings back to a Liberal conspiracy and be back to normal.

Glenn Beck (spawned in 1971) is an escaped mental patient who became an overnight success after Faux News filmed several of his psychotic episodes for broadcast in 2008. Initially a summer replacement for their popular Celebrity Fart Piss & Puke Bloopers show, Beck's program was a hit with the Fox audience, and is now the most trusted news source for all Real American patriots.

A Note on Glenn Beck's Medical Condition[edit]

Before you read any further, you should know that Glenn Beck has a very serious medical condition: Nazi Tourettes. This was first discovered by Lewis Black in 2010. In addition, he was recently diagnosed with hydrocephalus.

Glenn Beck Freemasons In Their A***[edit]

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The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Glenn Beck (Asshat).
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Paul Joseph Goebbels.

Glenn Beck was raised in Goverthing, a little-known village outside Manhattan that was evacuated and buried by the U.S. military in the 1950's. It is believed that this formative experience led to his distrust of government authority and snow globes.

Glenn Beck having surgery to fix a problem he had.

Glenn Beck, who raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 (while drunk), was not, in fact born, but built. He was originally created by Ron Jeremy as the world's first anamatronic stunt cock, but malfunctioned, becoming fixed on "ass lick" mode. For several years he ran amok across the mid west, licking any ass unlucky enough to cross his path. Beck's experience as an oral/anal sex robot put him in good stead as a conservative pundit, as he came fully equipped with the skills needed to spew shit and lick George Bush's rear end.

He eventually found work as Becko the Rodeo Clown, which would prove to be his first step into show business. He soon showed he had a great skill in distracting the bulls, as he had an innate ability to communicate with them, even seeming to learn their language and speak to them directly. This was a skill he would retain for the rest of his life. To this day, people who encounter Glenn often comment on how he speaks more bull than anyone else.

Perhaps this is where Glenn's story might have ended, but one fateful day Rupert & Murdock decided to take a rest from attempting to control all media and took his family out to the rodeo. They saw some spark in this plucky, rotund, ass-licking clown and decided to make him a star. Rupert & Murdock arranged with a Christian Rock radio station to put Beck on the air in exchange for a van full of methamphetamine. When the drugs ran out, Murdoch kidnapped and reprogrammed Glenn for his new mission: to infiltrate CNN and destroy that bastion of left wing anti-Americanism from the inside (much as Anne Coulter had done to the conservative movement). A false back story was then created, stating he had been a washed up rent boy who found God and became a television personality (which, if you accept Rupert Murdoch as God, is pretty close to the truth).

Beck secured a position as a TV host, with the bosses at CNN keen on his concept of a low brow, overly opinionated, soap box for ignorance format. CNN had been losing out in the ratings war to Fox's Bill O'Reilly, who was slaughtering them in the key inbred-rednecks-who-cant-find-Iraq-on-a-map-but-still-want-to-bomb-it demographic. The show proved a massive hit. Only the most pathetic Lie-beral elite (most of them Islamofascists or ACORN) thought the show was a worthless steaming pile of dumbed down news, ill-informed opinion, rampant bias, and right wing propaganda against whichever country the neo-cons wanted to invade next. All REAL PATRIOTS ass licker douchebags knew that it was just the opposite, so there!

Glenn Beck Joins Fox News And Gives Bill O'Reilly A Huge Tossed Salad[edit]

Liberal Fascism flag according to Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck's goose-stepping, cross-burning objectivity made him an outsider at the Liberal CNN network. CNN quickly put Beck out on the curb and replaced him with Independent anchor Lou Dobbs. A trash hauler picked Beck up the next morning and delivered him to Fox News, where his success in brainwashing those with I.Q.'s under 65 has made him a hit. With Beck as their rising star, Fox News boosted its ratings by gearing all of its programming to those who are legally retarded.

Conservatives know they can trust Glenn Beck to bury uncover the facts by interrupting and screaming at debating the issues with Liberals, while also giving head equal time to Conservatives like Ben Stein, Ted Nugent, Bob Barr, and many others who Glenn supports. Beck often becomes violently deranged on the show and sometimes even cries about the bad economy and the end of the world as Barack Obama takes the USA down the path of Socialism to Communism, or else to Fascism or pacifism, or to Islamic law or atheism--anything will do, as long as it sounds scary enough to make Fox viewers wet their pants. But he is no Rush Limbaugh and he connects to the American people and ups his ratings by going foaming-at-the-mouth schizoid on TV. Some claim that he is the Watchman "Dr. Manhattan". Glenn accused Obama and the Federal Government of taking over computers at via the EULA but as usual he couldn't prove it and he got punked by The DailyKOS and now everyone is making fun of poor computer illiterate and self educated Glenn Beck. Obama denied it, and claimed Beck must have been off his anti-psychotic medicine that day, because only a car dealer with a login and password could get that far to see a EULA license, and Beck doesn't have such access.

Beck recently declared that he wishes he were an African-American, Latino, gay Muslim, and said that he hates his life. "Why was I made white? I should have been made a minority and then people would like me better", he sniveled after reading a poll that showed him to be less popular than Barack Obama. Concerned for his mental health, Beck's handlers cheered him up by pointing out that the same poll shows that Beck is more popular with white southerners than Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and that he is ahead of Osama bin Laden by a whopping SIX percentage points even among self-described black gay Islamofascists.

Mormon Controversy[edit]

Ha! Even the $100 bill thinks Glenn Beck is evil.

Glenn Beck's biography identifies him as a lifelong Mormon, but his associates insist that this is a typo and that Glenn Beck is in reality a Moron. Though these two words may sound similar, and can both coexist at the same time, on many occasions during his broadcasts, Glenn Beck has stated beliefs and ideas that are very close to Orthodox Moron teachings, such as admiration for George Bush, and the claim that the entire media is part of a liberal conspiracy (only exception is Beck and the rest of Fox News and Rush Limbaugh and all talk radio coast-to-coast and a few Christian TV and radio networks found in every town, and a few little newspapers like Wall Street Journal and Drudge and blogs and stuff). Morons believe that Liberal Fascists, especially the genocidal dictators Al Gore and Michael Moore, are to blame for the world's problems. Other Morons include Donny Osmond and Marie Osmond, Steve Young the over 9,000 descendant of polygamist Brigham Young, Dr. Laura, Sarah Palin and L. Ron Hubbard. .

Staring at this picture for ten seconds will result in a 30-point I.Q. reduction and loss of sphincter control in susceptible Americans.

Real Glenn Beck quotes[edit]

Seriously we aren't making this up:

  • “Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.” (2003)
  • "I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I'm wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it." (2005)
  • "When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining." (2005)
  • “The only Katrina victims we’re seeing on television are the scumbags.” (2005)
  • "Barack Obama has a deep seated hatred for white people." (2009)
  • "It is now time for you to turn to the dark side of The Force, Skywalker." (3 A.B.Y. (After the Battle of Yavin))
  • "I'm not saying Obama is a sleeper agent of the K.G.B. trained in Kenya then sent to the United States so that several decades later he could become president and make subtle changes to America making it more communist, but I'm not saying he isn't either." (2009)
  • "I wanted to thank you for having me over here in wine country... By the way, I put poison in your... No. I look forward to all the policy discussions we're supposed to have. You know, on health care, energy reform, and the economy. Hey, is that Sean Penn over there?" (2009) (About putting poison in Nancy Pelosi's wine.)
  • " the worst type of liberal, is a Jewish, Muslim, Neo-Nazi scum-bag. Who pledged his life to The Satan Muhammad, and received an abortion." (okay, we lied, this one's made up)

Glenn Beck Quotes imitating Captain Obvious[edit]

Sometimes Glenn Beck imitates Captain Obvious this started in 2008 when he stopped being a Neo-con puppet and started to support Ron Paul and Bob Barr instead of John McCain and George W. Bush

  • "The U.S. economy is in a recession!"
  • "Liberals love social programs like I love cake! Have some more!"
  • "Even the Frankenstein Monster understands 'High taxes bad, low taxes good!' The government should stop raising taxes and just control what they spend instead."

Ted Nugent imitating Glenn Beck[edit]

These quotes are by Ted Nugent OK he was a guest on Glenn's show but Glenn laughed and agreed with him.

  • "The average U.S. liberal family weighs four hundred pounds each and has $100,000 in credit card debt from eating too much fast food and buying things they don't need and thus cannot afford house payments and asks for free health care as they fart and burp and smoke a cigar and eat more food and drink more booze."
  • "How Conservatives solve the US problems are to vote for John McCain instead of Barack Obama or someone else, and stay on his ass and your Congress person's ass and tell them 'What the hell are you doing with my money?' and 'If there is 31% fraud in government why aren't people in jail and it is being investigated?' and stay on their ass until they run the country better and fix the economy and social programs and government spending and balance the budget and bring everyone back their rights and freedoms."
  • "Modern Democrats ignore JFK and his 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' speech and say 'I don't want to pay for my house or credit card debt I want you to pay for it, I don't want my children getting jobs I want you to pay for them, I want you to pay for their education and college as well, I don't want to pay for my health I want you to pay for it even though I weigh 350 pounds and eat nothing but fast food and junk food and smoke and drink.' to their government."

Glenn Beck on stopping World War III[edit]

Glenn Beck has, for many years warned that Al Gore is in fact a Nazi, intent on taking over the world using global warming as a propaganda tool to brainwash our youth into becoming Liberal Fascists.

“You got to have an enemy to fight. And when you have an enemy to fight, then you can unite the entire world behind you, and you seize power. That was Hitler's plan. His enemy: the Jew. Al Gore's enemy, the U.N.'s enemy: global warming. Then you get the scientists -- eugenics. You get the scientists -- global warming. Then you have to discredit the scientists who say, 'That's not right.' And you must silence all dissenting voices. That's what Hitler did.”

~ Glenn Beck on For the first time ever clearly articulating why he hates unity against a common foe.

Clearly, from the above argument we can see that Al Gore is a Nazi and possibly a baby murderer. Lets face it, if Hitler saw a Jewish baby, he would obviously try to kill it. So if Al Gore saw a baby causing global warming (such as by farting, or being driven around in a car) he would do everything in his power to kill it! When Hitler had a really big army, he started World War II. Now aren't you grateful Al Gore lost that election in Florida due to hanging chads?

SAVE GLOBAL WARMING! Or you will never be able to fart again, and you'll A Splode at the age of fifty.

Glenn Beck on starting World War III[edit]

Barrack Obama reacting to everything Glenn Beck says about him. Yes Obama, we know how you feel.

“90% of Muslims are a peaceful people. I have read the Koran, and I believe it is a religion of peace. What we need to do is get the good Muslims to stand up to the 10% that try to warp their faith”

~ Glenn Beck, the War Monger on How we should destroy Islam

Glenn loves war--it's fan-fucking-tastic, especially when it's against Muslims! Glenn Beck is keen to see us fight the war abroad in Iraq, Afghanistan and (if Glenn was really good this year and Santa grants his wish) Iran. But he also courageously fights the war on the home front, insulting seeking out and apprehending innocent Muslim Americans evil rag-head terrorist dune bunnies, before they can walk out in disgust cause another 9/11! Take this example, when he challenged Muslim American congressman evil terrorist mastermind and Osama lover Keith Ellison-

“prove to me that you are not working with our enemies....And I know you're not. I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way. ”

~ Glenn Beck on why when he speaks the comedy writes itself

Since its impossible to prove a negative (i.e. you cannot prove you DIDN'T commit a crime), following Glenn's masterful argument it must be assumed that since Muslims have failed to prove they are not terrorists, all Muslims (ESPECIALLY those in America) are terrorists and are most likely strapped with suicide belts as we speak! America has Glenn to thank for showing us the way on this issue. Glenn Beck also believes that if you are going to start senseless wars fight for freedom, you should do it properly! No half measures! We need a good, old fashioned, nuke war!

“Why do we have these weapons? Why have we developed these weapons if we're afraid to use them? And I got news for you: I'm afraid to use them because I know exactly what would happen. Everybody would come out of the woodwork saying how horrible we are and we're despicable human beings and now we're using nuclear weapons. I think we need to change the name of the weapon. I think we just need to come up with some sort of politically correct name. Something, I don't know -- this isn't it, but like a butterfly bomb. Aw, look, it's like a little butterfly. We could paint it all psychedelic colors; everybody in San Francisco would be like, "Aw, ain't that like a little butterfly?" Vaporization. I think we'd have a better chance of dropping it. ”

~ Glenn Beck on on how liberal fascists are keeping America from its God given mission to destroy all life on Earth

It is now known that while he was Gaza, he caused a mission boat bringing supplies to the native people to be attacked by Israeli forces when they caught a whiff of his excrement and mistook it for a Biological weapon, proving that even Glenn Beck's shit stinks.

Glenn Beck on Mature Debate[edit]

Superman tricks Glenn Beck into saying his real name backwards to get the world free of Beck for 90 days.

Glenn Beck is known for his wit and clever word play. Many have called him the Oscar Wilde of our times. Whether he's calling Cindy Sheenan a "pretty big prostitute", saying that Al Gore is a Nazi (comparable to both Hitler and Joseph Goebbels), calling Hilary Clinton a "stereotypical bitch", explaining that liberals are in fact fascists, complaining that liberals compare their enemies to fascists or expressing his sexual fantasies about strangling Michael Moore while getting a rim job from Dick Cheney, Glenn Beck always leaves his critics stumped by his quick witted and cutting remarks. Glenn Beck is always careful not to corrupt his arguments with any egg headed, ivory-tower "facts" or "evidence", instead using the honest, straight forward, gut feeling based techniques of mud slinging, name calling and rude hand gestures. Just look at how he insults people who just lost their homes strikes a blow against the enemies in our midst that God has chosen to punish!

“I think there is a handful of people who hate America. Unfortunately for them, a lot of them are losing their homes in a forest fire today.”

~ Glenn Beck on why people who lost their homes in 2007 forest fires in California had it coming

Glenn Beck Videos, Warning may contain Brilliant Conservative Opinion and Information[edit]

Our lawyers advise you not to stare too deeply into Glenn Beck's eyes while watching these videos, or else you might be brainwashed into converting over to conservatism.

  • Glenn Beck explains Superdelegates:

  • Glenn Beck on illegal immigration:

  • Glenn Beck shows evidence that video games will destroy America's freedom:

  • Glenn Beck smooth talking love machine:

  • Glenn Beck interviews Benjamin Netanyahu and finds out that Iran is Nazi Germany of 1938:

  • Glenn Beck talks about the real problem facing America, Communism in the form of Universal Healthcare and other Social programs:

  • Glenn Beck accuses Nobel Prize winner Al Gore of stealing footage from the Day After Tomorrow:

  • Glenn Beck accuses the USA of being a suicidal super power:

  • Glenn Beck reveals our new national anthem:

Glenn Beck's Minions and how you can be one too![edit]

Save America, one dead hippie at a time.

America is now being transformed by the millions of mindless, brainwashed drones, too vacant to think for themselves any more, who instead wolf down the shit this tubby moron spews out of their televisions and rams down their throats. They love Glenn Beck--and you can too. Why don't you go and watch Glenn Beck on television? Or listen to him on the radio? Or buy one of his fantastic books? Or, if you are an attractive young woman, Glenn has some time and a camera, so why don't you stop by?

Just look at the pictures of Glenn on this page. Doesn't he look friendly? Stare at him and you will feel your problems melt away. Why not let Glenn think for you? He cares about you. Glenn cares about all of us. You are feeling sleepy now, why don't you rest your mind? Let Glenn take over. When you hear Glenn's voice you will feel happy.

You will think about how right he is and how much you love him.

To not agree with Glenn will cause you pain! Terrible, icky pain!

Now you will become one of us...

One of us....

One of us....

To learn more about Glenn Beck and his ambitious, buy his new book.

External Links[edit]