Global Panic

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
A popular film regarding Global Panic, aka Global Warming.

Global Panic, also known as Global Warming in the Atheist Religion is a phenomenon caused by increased carbon dioxide in the Earth's atmosphere. Global Panic has recently gained increased attention in the media, as many celebrities and people of interest seem to be acknowledging its occurrence, even going as far as calling it a problem. Global Panic has caused many people on Earth to, well.... panic, and as a result there is now a huge market for survival goods burgeoning as people stock up on supplies for a horrible and inevitable catastrophe. As global panic continues our wise leaders in congress continue to ignore any signs of it. Corporations, who always have the public good in mind when ever they take any actions at all, are making huge profits out of people's fears that the world will end, and Churches are cashing in, as more and more people are being convinced the world will end soon and keep on coming in to empty their wallets into the collection plate in return for eternal salvation.

Theory[edit]

Increased Tempetures and Carbon Dioxcide levels have nothing to do with each other.

The basic theory behind Global Panic is that increased carbon dioxide in the atmosphere will cause an increase in global temperatures which will cause the ice caps to melt at the poles, releasing huge amounts of water into the oceans, enough to raise the sea levels to the point where they will engulf Al Gore's seaside home and most of Wales. Unfortunately Carbon Dioxide is the scapegoat for global panic; people are wanting something to blame for all the heat and have turned against carbon dioxide to cover up the real cause, Liberal spin. Many people have drawn a correlation between global temperatures and increased carbon dioxide, but the fact is that Carbon Dioxide doesn't cause heat, it's the other way around; heat causes carbon dioxide. Our good friend carbon dioxide is just the victim of false causality. Just because A preceded B does not mean A caused B so linking CO2 to heat increases is futile.

The Real Reason for Global Panic[edit]

The real reason for global panic is Liberal Spin. For some reason the Liberal Media thinks we should live in caves and be like a third world country. Now no one can understand why the liberals would want that because they all live in cities and if they didn't have technology they'd all die. The only plausible explanation is that they think that there's a real problem and if we don't do something drastic about it soon we'll all die. But since global panic is all wrong it shows just how lost those poor liberals are. Some liberals say that Global Warming is going to kill off all the animals, but who cares about a few stupid animals? Animals belong in the zoo, in your closet, or on your plate.

How to counteract global panic[edit]

The department of Homeland Security says that you can counteract global panic is by doing some or all of the following:

  • Get a huge honkin' SUV
  • Don't use solar power
  • Buy a gun
  • Smoke
  • Eat lots of red meat
  • Join the Republican Party
  • Pretend that everything is OK.
  • Throw out your juice boxes.