Glorious Revolution of 1841
|Glorious Revolution of 1841|
The Icebergs (funded by Russia)
The Klingon Empire
| William Henry Harrison
| John Tyler|
|87,098 Dead, 223,567 Injured||1 Dead (sickness), 2 Injured (one by a splinter, the other got dust in his eye)|
People in the United States hadn't yet discovered coffee in 1841 so many people drank tea in the morning for their caffeine boost. The people in the United States had always gotten their tea from Ireland, but Ireland was right in the middle of the Great Tea Famine and couldn't grow any tea. The United States and Great Britain had just gotten through a very messy breakup so the Americans couldn't buy tea from Britain. The only place left to go was China. China had already agreed to sell the United States tea, but a treaty setting tea prices needed to be made. There was much disagreement over what quality of tea was wanted and what price should be paid. Harrison had the idea that everyone in the United States who drank tea would sample every available type of Chinese tea and vote on their favorite. The two governments would then work out a price for the 2 most popular teas.
In 1830, the evil, and slightly tone deaf, president Andrew Jackson made jazz music illegal. Throughout the 1830s, people would go to "Sing-easies" to listen to the illegal music. The country was in conflict about jazz being legalized. Half the country said it should be legalized and that everyone should be required to listen to jazz. The other half said that jazz was banned because it was evil and made children into no-good, lazy Beatniks. William Henry Harrison had a great idea that no one had ever thought of before. He thought that people should be allowed to chose what kind of music they wanted to listen to for themselves.
William Henry Harrison had perhaps one of the most boring monotones ever. He also liked to talk a lot, usually about things that didn't make any sense at all. Unfortunately, most of the citizens of the United States didn't know this so they elected him to the position president. Harrison was so happy about his election that he decided to treat the American People to a 33 hour inauguration speech. In his inaugural address, Harrison touched on key topics such as the price of mercury, the price of Mercury, a good book that he had just read, another good book he had just read, a good book that had just read him, the dream he had had the night before, the night he had had the dream before, John Tyler, and finally, the price of tea in China. No one listened to the entire speech except for William Henry Harrison. Every person in the crowd fell asleep at some point.
John Tyler had a very short attention span. He also hated people who bored him, so naturally he hated William Henry Harrison after giving such a long speech, as did everyone else who had listened to it. But Tyler was different. He really wanted to kill William Henry Harrison. This was mainly because he had made a living killing large animals since the age of 14. He really was a troubled man, but so were most of the other men in politics so he fit right in and no one took any notice of his extreme lunacy. When Harrison's speech ended, John Tyler called up his good friend Karl Marx. Marx and Tyler organized half of the people of the United States into a mob and began a revolution against William Henry Harrison and long, rambling speeches.
Part 1: The Invasion of Brazil
William Henry Harrison had a huge number of supporters in Brazil, so John Tyler and Karl Marx decided to attack there first. Instead of making the month long journey, the rebels lead by Tyler and Marx took the secret passage from Virginia to Rio de Janeiro and the Amazon Rainforest. This meant that the entire rebel army reached Brazil in a matter of minutes. They took over Rio in several seconds of their arrival at 9:00 AM. Then the rebel army fanned out across Brazil. At exactly 9:36 AM, the rebels met with resistance from Harrison's close friend Simón Bolívar. This resistance was put down within 2 hours and the rebels had taken over all of Brazil at exactly 12:32. The rebels then sat down and had a picnic lunch. Meanwhile, Simón Bolívar became very upset and ran to his mother's house in Bolivia where he laid down on the couch and threw a tantrum.
The Battle of Monkey-Pirate Island
At 9:43 AM the next day, Karl Marx found out that a small band of Monkey-Pirates had held out in their fortress on Monkey-Pirate Island. The rebels took a giant blanket and threw it over the island. Think that it was night time, the Monkey-Pirates all went to bed. Then the rebels attacked the fortress with the leftovers from their picnic. The monkeys were soon defeated and they ran to Somalia where they've been stealing oil ever since.
Part 2: The New York-New Joysee Conflict
On March 7, 1841, the state of New Jersey declared its support for the rebel cause. New York City was a strong supporter of William Henry Harrison and so the New Yorkers declared war on the people of New Jersey. Most New Yorkers were card carrying members of the William Henry Harrison Fan Club. This war started with the New Yorkers camping out on the NY-NJ border and shouting insults at what they now called the Joysees. From March 7 until March 29, the New Yorkers and the Joysees threw insults at each other. Then at 12:04 on the morning of April 1, April Fools Day, the New Yorkers mass insulted the all of the Joysees mothers before returning to New York City to celebrate April Fools Day. The Joysees took this personally and invaded New York later that day. Such exposure to Joysees caused the New Yorkers to contract "Joysee Flu" which causes extreme stupidity and temporary insanity. Taking advantage of the madness, the fascist politician Rudy Giuliani took control of New York City and organized a small rebel militia to fight Harrison.
Part 2.5: The Shit Part of the War
“It was total shit!”
“I feel like shit.”
“Well, he felt like shit”
The shit part of the war was shit, just total shit. Everyone felt like shit and there was generally just shit all over the place. Because of this, most historians don't give a shit about this part of history. The only eyewitness accounts are quite hard to read seeing as they are completely covered in shit. In his autobiography My Life is Shit, a random soldier named Shitface Shitson said that "the shit portion of the war was mainly so shitty because we didn't have a right proper place to put our shit so there were shittin' huge piles of shit just lying all around the shitty place." In general, the shit portion was just shit.
“WTF is this shit?”
Part 2.51: The War at Sea
Around the same time as New York-New Jersey conflict and the shit portion of the war, a group of hard-core capitalist icebergs who hated jazz were funded by Russia to sink loyalist ships so that jazz wouldn't spread to the Russia. One of the most famous iceberg fighters was Big Benny Berg, who sank 56 ships, including the Titanic. Big Benny was brought to a war crimes trial after the war ended but sentence was never passed because Big Benny melted on the witness stand.
Part 3: The End of the War
On April 3, 1841 Karl Marx, the rebel army, and a very seasick John Tyler landed on the shores of Delaware. John Tyler crossed the Delaware by boat, which was later turned into a very famous painting and moved into Washington D.C. The rebels bought everyone in Washington several rounds of drinks. In the morning not many loyalists wanted to fight anymore and the ones that did were too drunk to stand up. The rebels soon reached the White House and Tyler and Marx went inside. They tied Harrison up and after ranting for 42 hours shot him in the head in front of a cheering crowd.
The post war was a mini-war that took place shortly after the Glorious Revolution ended. It involved the New York Post Office and the Brazilian Post Office. The two post offices wanted to see how many letters they could send to China in one day. The Brazilians bought the cheapest envelopes available and all of their letter writers were poisoned by bad glue and died. The United States people sent the same message over and over. It is believed that this inspired the Chinese to go into the spamming industry.
John Tyler became the President of the United States. Tyler resolved both issues. When he was in Brazil, John Tyler discovered Coffee and Latin Music. Both became instantly popular and jazz would fall out of favor until the 1920s when Richard Simmons would convince everyone that jazz made people live longer. The Chinese were so devastated at the loss of the deal with America that Chairman Mao took over China and the Chinese have been trying to screw the Americans over ever since. Karl Marx went home to write the Communist Manifesto. Because the Russians had secretly funded the rebel icebergs, the United States made a secret deal, which gave the Russian Mafia a monopoly on caviar. 1842 saw a tremendous rise in Russian tourists coming to the United States.
- The American Revolution, Part 3
- The Real American Civil War
- The American Civil War 0.5
- The Private war of Harrison and Tyler
- The Brazil-America Catfight
- The Reason the Chinese are Trying to Pull a Fast One on Us
|The Great Revolutions|