Gloves

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“Put on your kid gloves, then you learn the lesson that it's cool to be so tough.”

~ Rush on Gloves

“If the gloves don't fit; you must acquit”

~ Johnny Cochran on Bloody Gloves

“If the glove don't fit; you all full of shit”

~ Some Black Guy on Gloves

Gloves fit very nicely on your hand and come in many different varieties. They can be used as weapons in three different ways, as listed below. Most of the time, gloves are made of leather, but sometimes they are made of steel, cardboard, rubber, Styrofoam, plastic, or polyester. Gloves must not be worn on the feet.

History of the Glove[edit]

Origins[edit]

The Glove was originally created in 1835 by a certain Mr Glove of London. Mr Glove was a butcher by trade, he inveted the "glove" as a unique way for his customers to transport sausages. It was on one fateful morning that Mr Glove while packing some sausages into his ingenious invention was unfortunate enough to get his hand stuck in a "glove", and the legacy was born

Gloves as weapons[edit]

Alone[edit]

Gloves can be used alone as weapons themselves. Usually, they're placed over the hand during this act and used to strike the opponent's face, nose, jaw, or balls. The most well-known methods of using gloves as weapons are:

  • By punching. This is usually efficient, and human knuckles are strong enough to show your opponent that you mean business. The family favorite.
  • By slapping. Be aware, though, some people may mistake this for a sick fetish. If they don't just shut the fuck up after you slap them, following it up with a nice, swift punch will work well.
    • Often, the glove is removed and the person is slapped in the face with the glove. This usually leads to a big gun fight, which is stupid because it barely even tickles.
  • By poking: Generally aimed at the eye. The target is blinded.
  • If properly starched, may be utilized as a stabbing weapon.

In conjunction with other weapons[edit]

Many times, people wear gloves to help increase their grip. It sucks dropping a sword on your foot, let me tell you.

These weapons are often used in conjunction with gloves:

  • Swords
  • Axes
  • Lances
  • Bows
  • Guns
  • Python Boots
  • Grenades
  • Jade Goodey
  • Almost any other weapon ever made

Kinds of gloves[edit]

  • Leather Gloves: The standard, used by fighter-people.
  • Rubber Gloves: These cannot be harmed by acid and are often used while journeying through some sort of weird cave dripping with acid and other nasty stuff. However, they can't grip for shit.
  • Kid Gloves: Made of 100% real dead children. Super-effective against children. Kids wear these because they think they're cool, but they just look like retards.
  • Boxing Gloves: Worn often by people who move boxes and by kangaroos. Breaks noses very easily.
  • Opera Gloves: Ugly white gloves that go all the way up to the elbow. Good if you like to elbow-check people, but why call them OPERA gloves? Have you ever seen anyone get elbow-checked at an opera?
  • Plastic-Coated Gloves: Covered in plastic to protect it from the elements, and to add increased durability. Common in paper gloves and playing-card gloves.
  • Bloody Gloves - Always buy a pair a size too small so you can pay Johnny Cochran $10 million to say "If the gloves don't fit; then you must acquit".

Historical figures associated with gloves[edit]