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A Gluon is an elementary particle.

Gluons are the micro-cosmic equivalent of a common household adhesive. Because of their gynormous strong nuclear force, they act as a binder between other types of particles, including the elusive quark. Quarks tend to remain apart from each other because they have a quality known to physicists as "attitude" and are easily distracted (see ADHD). Inserting gluons between quarks via hyperaccerleration, quarks are able to maintain focus long enough to create stabile elementary particles such as Doritos, Cheetos, and Ho Hos.


Scientists are convinced that Gluons are the basis of the universe as we know it today and may be the missing concept necessary for the gluing together of the quantum and relativity theories, due to its sticky properties. Shortly before his death, Albert Einstein kept several gluons in a Mason jar on his desk that he would take out and show visitors.

Gluons come in three different "textures," depending on their funkiness and sidewaysness. The textures are "crunchy," "puffy," and "winsome." While gluons are primarily attractive (there are few ugly ones), they tend to repel each other. The only exception is when they are all three in a group, then they form a grabon, which is basically impossible to pull apart, even with a bulldozer laser.

Louieization Apparatus: A scientist using gluons to arouse his machine

Isolation of gluons[edit]

Winsome Gluons are commonly derived from dairy. The Elmer's Glue Corporation uses a cow as their logo, since they take advantage of gluons heavily in glue production. Gluons have high nutritional value to baby cows and humans, but are dangerous to human infants, who tend to bind up and cry when fed too many. For this reason, it is unwise to feed babies glue (or any adhesive, for that matter) unless it contains more than one attitidute of gluon. Muons, a subatomic particle sibling of the gluon, also come from cows, but from the larynx, not from the milk.

Gluons are extracted from milk through a process developed by French physicist Louie Pasteur, called "louieization." The winsome gluons are then collected and stored in a Mason jar for shipment to various glue-manufacturing companies, except the Crazy Glue company. Crazy Glue contains no gluons, but rather gets its adhesive quality from insanity, which is refined from mental patients using a 2x4.

Elementary Particles
Proton - Muon - Bozo - Graviton - Gluon - Quark - Electron - Photon - Moron - Neutrino - Gayon - Darkon - Unobtainium - Unununium - Ballmiton - Crouton - Tachyon - Tron - Badger - Sauron - Roricon - Spork - Hardon - Onion - Galvatron
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