“So if you are vegetarian, are you allowed to swallow semen? Does it depend if it's from a human, or what if it's your own?”
“Well, what about if you are vegan, you can't drink milk right? So surely cum is not allowed. The thing is, if you blow a goat who can say that the goat did not give the semen willingly?”
Goat semen is an isomer of PVC once thought to be similar to the semen of other mammals but now known otherwise; goat "semen" is a misnomer. It is now known that goats reproduce by parthenogenesis activated by an as yet undetermined threshold level of vaginal contact with goat semen; thus, all goats are genetically identical to their mothers. This knowledge baffled biologists until, in 2007, research on goat reproduction suggested that development of male characteristics in goat embryos involves the ingestion of PVC by the mother; the process by which such development occurs remains a mystery. On March 2, 2009, U.S. President Barack Obama announced that Congress had approved a $3.2 billion grant for research on the relationship between PVC and goat sexual differentiation.
Several hours after its ejaculation, goat semen congeals and hardens into a clear plastic resembling PVC in hardness and elasticity. Diluting liquid goat semen with water at a semen/water ratio less than or equal to one retards, if not prevents, congelation; research is underway to determine whether retardation or prevention of congelation is the case. The structural differences between congealed goat semen and PVC are minor, resulting merely in greater shine and clarity of goat semen compared to PVC. A goat's ejaculate invariably contains a few urethral epithelial cells, which make it carbon datable; this feature of goat semen should have been--should be--able to clear up much of the current controversy regarding goat history.
The history of goat semen is at least as old as the history of goats. Some historians claim that goats did not exist as of March 2009; these historians typically claim that PVC has not yet been invented and that goats cannot predate PVC, and oddly enough cite the recent experimental evidence for the integrality of PVC in goat sexual differentiation, in addition to "scriptural evidence" for PVC's nonexistence prior to World War III. Other historians also deny the existence of goats before that of PVC but believe that both PVC and goats have at least intermittently existed since as early as like 1960. Popular belief that goats, and PVC, predate the 1900s is supported by the fossil record, the State of California, columns, buttresses, the existence of innumerable sets of goat semen dentures carbon dating back to before 1900, and pre-1900 photographic evidence.
Diluted liquid goat semen has been used at various times in various liquid products. Before the advent of modern plastics like PETE and whatnot, congealed goat semen was, and still is, to a lesser extent, used in various products now usually made from petroleum-derived polymers: pipes, dentures, textiles, bottles, tupperware, hotdogs, gum base, cell phone and hearing aid casings, breast implants, and king cake figurines. Polyurethane condoms have largely replaced once popular goat semen condoms as the best-selling arguably vegetarian "hypoallergenic" alternative to latex; this shift occurred shortly before the period of the late 1970s during which alternative medicine became notably more popularly thought to be a viable alternative to medicine.
- Diluted goat semen was originally considered for use as a thickening agent and filler in Diet Coke when Diet Coke was marketed as a fuel; it was later dropped in preference for polyurethane mainly because of the greater cost efficiency and availability of the latter.
- Goat semen was once used as a substitute for human semen in cumshots in pornographic films when people were strangely unwilling to be actually ejaculated upon. Such use was discontinued after several prominent porn actors and actresses had to undergo surgery to remove deposits of congealed goat semen from their esophaguses, where the goat semen had stuck and hardened, putting pressure on the people's tracheas, complicating breathing.
- Between 1984 and 1986, an undocumented number of copies of Metallica's '84 album Ride the Lightning were sold with misprinted green covers; at the time, all copies of Ride the Lightning were intended to be sold in wraps of congealed goat semen, whose luster and clarity Lars Ulrich thought would boost album sales, but the copies with the green covers are in fact the only copies of Ride the Lightning to have been sold in goat semen wrap.