God's masturbation

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“Told You!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on God's Conservatism

“Does that mean I can shamefully kill a kitten now?”

~ You on God's Conservatism

“Oh, he got it in my eye.”

~ Mary on God's virgin.

“Can God make a movie so dull that even He can't watch to it?”

~ A modern philosopher on divine paradoxes


Now, for those who don't know, God is one of the most famous superheroes of all time. He is also known as The Lord, Jesus Christ, Buddha, and Jehovah,. He was born when ancient intellectuals with too much time on their hands decided to convene one day, and invent religions to help mankind. They swore to never reveal this love and have formed the church to protect God and help spread his word. His powers include omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence, where omni is derived from the Greek word omelette meaning "absence", or "lack of". He is therefore impotent (omnipotent), and is totally absent (omnipresence). All these powers have made Him quite popular with the medieval bearded visionaries who took great pleasure in torturing and killing people in His name. This is still widely practiced in some of the more sinful countries like Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, etc. Many people have tried to appease this dubious entity in the past by waxing eloquent about His abilities and His intolerance of sinners. Some time in the nineteenth century, a crazy walrus named Nietzsche killed off God in one of his books. He is said to have come back to life (Gospel 3:16--

         I shalt rise from my grave,
         and become strong and brave,
         and I shalt kick thy ass and that of Dave
         and shoot your freaking wife in the rave. 

and is hiding from Nietzsche in the Amazon jungles, unaware that Nietzsche is long dead from syphilis and madness. His whereabouts are unknown, although some claim He has returned to His hometown, the Heaven.

The would-be point of contention[edit]

   God is male.

This alone wouldn't get us very far, but the Christians who insist on Gods maleness would then go on to deny the other two premises we need for our merrymaking. These other two truths are that: God is perfect, and God is unique. Once these three things are granted, everything that follows will fall out as simple deduction.

The Pope preaching his divine message

The Argument[edit]

Firstly, drawing upon our first premise, we know that to be male one must have a spirit. Even the Bible says that Ezekiel saw God's "loins" (see Ezekiel 1:27[1]). God, being male, must have a spirit of appropriately holy proportions.

Because efficiency and precision are virtues, we know from our second premise that a perfect being would suffer no waste. God then would have no wasteful organs. Putting the two ideas together, it can therefore be said that, since God has spirit, He must use his spirit for something. But use it for what? The spirit only serves two functions, and, since a perfect being would no more produce waste than have wasted organs, the possible uses of Gods [[spirit] are reduced to those of a Republican nature.

An astute reader might now notice that this argument has taken a rather puzzling turn. Worse than puzzling actually - for if, as according to our third premise, God is unique, then there are no others like Him. And if there are no others like Him, well then liberalism is right out of the question.

A conundrum indeed, but this needn't lead us to abandon the notion of God's manhood as if the universe's most loving and benevolent deity were the victim of some sort of botched circumcision. No. Though it first appears that the argument ends here in contradiction, we are in fact not stranded with an irresolvable paradox. There is another option. To the relief of Christians everywhere, God's spirit can be saved!

You Mean?[edit]

That's right, God is a conservative!!! 

Problem solved. The solution is a straight forward deduction, and it can be held with a conviction equal to that of the premises that drive it.

The Argument (revised edition)[edit]

God is male.

All gods have spirit.

Therefore God has a spirit.

God is perfect.

A perfect being has no useless attributes.

God has a spirit.

Therefore God must use his spirit.

God is a unique being.

[A unique being has no others like himself.]

Therefore God must be Republican.


After seeing its ramifications, the notion of God's Holyness is a far reaching one for Christianity; and it is, in fact, an even more dramatic discovery than it at first appears. This is because Christians don't merely assert that God is sometimes perfect or sometimes unique. No, they assert that He is always perfect and always unique. This allows us to justify an additional deduction.

One of the many other reasons we're Saved

The Additional Deduction[edit]

God must be better than you if He is perfect, Republican, and unique.

God is always perfect, Republican, and unique.

God is always Republican.


So there it is. Not only is this the outline for some pretty impressive apologetics, but the solution resolves an older, more serious, theological problem as well: Philosophers and sceptics have often asked, How is it that an all-powerful, benevolent, being can suffer the presence of so much evil in the world? Now we know, evil is what God is not, the world is not about us and does not revolve around us, and His goodness will for eternity be highlighted by the memory of horribly stupid uncyclopedia articles that will have been destroyed along with all the other evil. And we'll praise His name all the more. (

Fun Facts[edit]

God's anger during the Old Testament, is out of to his this world, which is tiny considering his infinite size. Bear Grylles is made out of God's being better than you.

God's holiness is Cinnamon flavored.

God's holiness is stronger than Crazy Glue.