God of Metal

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The God of Metal has been a mystery of Rock n' Roll since before he even existed. Athough this "God" has no super natural abilitys, they do have one thing that set them apart from the rest, and that thing is a smaller than average brain and in most cases, penis. These "Gods" are trying to make up for the fact that they are inferior to this specie and try to make a place for them selves in sosiety. Dont be fooled by the deep voices and facial hair, these are parlor tricks done to make you beleive that they are the baddest of the bad asses.

The Gods that failed There have been as many as 69(lol) Gods of metal in the history of time, experts debate on wether these previous gods should count because they played weak music and barely contributed to the popularity of metal. The known gods were, Beetoven, Judas, Your mom, and Dean Martin. All failed to do anythiing really, and were all killed by satan, hoping the new rock god would fill his musical interests.

The Crown The crown given to the god of metal, has many controlling powers. This crown, cut out of a cereal box(wheaties), can control other musicians, cause a second puberty, cause hat hair, cure cancer, give the wearer AIDS, or dandruff. More of the effects of the crown are explained throughout the artical. The crown resembles a Burger King Birthday crown, in invinsable to all enemys(excluding the all mighty Grue!, and Chuck Norris...), but the crown can be diguised as a bad hair cut or fat rolls. There is one know natural weakness to the crown, and its rain water. Rain water can destroy the crown in a matter of minutes.


The James years The last God of Metal preciding the 80's was Steely Can, his rocking melodys and heavy sound have sculpted the mold for metal forever. Passing on his crown right before his deth* in 1981 to a young James Hetfield the greatest metal band and current metal god was born. James, taking the crown, immediatly placeing it on his head suddenly grew a great beard and his voice dropped two octaves. Most peaple think that his voice is "demonish" but thats actually the effect of the crown on the human body, it constricts the throat and puts the individual wearing it through a second puberty. James quickly formed Metallica with three nobody musicians that became under the force of the crown when they were in walking distance of it. Kirk Jammitt(up your ass), Lars Ballzitch, and Cliff Fart'on were under the control of the crown and jammed to james's vision of metal. Unfortunatly for Cliff, he double crossed James and he made Cliff jump off a cliff, resulting in his deth. James is the current holder of the god of metal crown and will keep this position until in the year 2011 Lars Ballzitch breaks free of the hold of the crown because of his unnatural greed for money, and sues James for all that he owns, including the crown.

The Wait The wait for the next rock god will be long and harsh, Lars is having a reality show based on american idol to pick who he thinks is suited to fill the position(but what he dosent know is that he will burst into flames and the crown will find its new owner for itself, hehehe....) I know who this new god will be but i cant tell you unless you give me a cookie, but im not hungry. The British god The british god(britan has there own god 'cause they are different, and must be kept apart) is Tim "the Stripper" Owens, of Judas Beef. His testicals, upon hitting puberty, asended instead of desending, causing the high voice he is famous for.

  • deth, its cooler than death because leaving letters out of words of kool!