Godzilla vs. Megaman VII
Godzilla vs. Megaman VII, written and performed over a three week span in 958, is an unprecedented battle of good and evil, and is primarily known as the first good thing Shakespeare ever produced. It was seen as so awesome that it didn’t need the requisite six prequels to warrant the 'VII' in the title, almost like the 10th century answer to Star Wars.
Tokyo is in danger! Almost immediately, we hear that the town of Tokyo is recovering from an attack by what several injured fishermen referred to as a ‘blue-suited devil’. We hear from the King of Tokyo that any and all people wearing blue shall surely be put to death. It is only after this law passes that the King remembers that he has blue eyes, and rather than rip off the Greeks and pluck his eyes out, Shakespeare has the King choose death. Besides, Shakespeare wasn’t into incest. Scatology, however. . .
Kingless and frightened, the citizens of Tokyo quickly hold elections for the new King of Tokyo. After a lengthy and arduous scene where the possibilities are deliberated on carefully, abounding with what some scholars consider Shakespeare’s most artful use of the English language and most creative plot devices used EVER, the Kingship of Tokyo is bestowed upon a mysterious cloaked stranger, for the sole reason that he has evaporated all other candidates.
Upon gaining Kingship of Tokyo, the stranger throws off his cloak and evil upon evils, it’s Megaman! Megaman uses his newfound power to declare himself Eternal God-Emperor of Tokyo. He orders that all must bow before him or face his wrath.
Just as Megaman is about to drive fear into the hearts of his subjects with a drive-by depantsing, a rumble occurs from deep within the earth. The ground breaks apart, and Godzilla appears, roaring in all of his radioactive lizard glory. Godzilla and Megaman then fight.
They take a break, and the scene that follows has confused scholars for centuries. The lines all make a complete conversation, but they appear to be spoken by the wrong character. A sample of the script appears below:
- Megaman. Damn! What has this fiend done to Tokyo?
- Godzilla. That fool! Who does he think he is! *Powering up his blaster*
- Megaman. You won’t get away with what you have done, Megaman, for I will be assured of stopping you! *Firing his blaster*
- Godzilla. You shall be damn unsatisfied to be killed in the manner of which I have planned for you!
- Townsfolk. This fight wearies me. I need blood.
- Megaman. Oh no, save us!
Megaman and Godzilla then fight to a draw. They then take a break.
Again, they fight to a draw. Another break ensues.
Just as Godzilla and Megaman are about to renew their battle for the umpteenth and a half time, the sky parts, and from the vacuum of outer space descends the true enemy in this play: Bob Saget. Having watched the fracas from above, he has seen the two powerful adversaries beat each other into weakened states, thereby allowing him to finally take control of the Eternal God-Emperorship of Tokyo, and ultimately the entire world.
But Godzilla and Megaman won’t stand for that! They decide to team up: Godzilla steps on Bob Saget and fixes duct tape around his mouth while Megaman defeats the lesser evil of Television Man and absorbs his power. While Godzilla forces Mr. Saget to watch, Megaman uses his power to create a television on his stomach like a Teletubby and play funny videos of clowns getting hit in the crotch. Saget, who cannot make funny noises or comments due to the tape around his mouth, explodes in a shower of blood, viscera and mirth.
Megaman then kills Godzilla and resumes his title of Eternal God-Emperor of Tokyo. The End. Not really as godzilla in real life killed megaman and everyone who worked on the movie because he hated that megaman (or as he called him mega queer) kills him despite being infinitely stronger than megaman so THATS the real ending.
- William Shatner (no introduction needed)
- Godzilla: Giant radioactive lizard, breathes fire, alternately destroys and saves Tokyo
- Megaman: AKA Rockman, small, blue, can absorb powers of fallen enemies
- Television Man: With the power of over 500 satellite channels, but nothing is ever on
- Particle Man: Does the things a particle can
- Universe Man: He’s the size of the entire universe, man
- Triangle Man: Triangle Man hates Universe Man. They have a fight, and Triangle wins
- Bob Saget: Host of America's Funniest Home Videos, silly voice-over extraordinaire
- King of Tokyo: Dead
- Various citizens of Tokyo: Scared, most likely Asian
“Friends, Japanese, countrymen, we’re all pretty fucked,” King of Tokyo (Act 1, scene 1)
“True, the noble and wise Koji might have accrued more wisdom than I, and he might have gained more trust in your hearts than I, and he may even converse with you while showing his true face, but I have a blaster. And in a minute, my second advantage shall be that I still live,” Megaman (Act 1, scene Pikachu)
“Roar?” Godzilla (Act 3, scene IV)
“It’s called a metaphor, you callow Brobdignagian !” Megaman (Act 5, scene ð)
“Yes, while you two fools have been fighting, I have been watching from above, providing a running commentary on your fight, and my studio audience of angels has voted. Tonight’s funniest home video is. . . Me, killing you two imbeciles!” Bob Saget (Act 6, scene the last)
- What are your thoughts on accusations that William Shakespeare never actually wrote this play, as no British citizen would have any idea of Japan’s existence for another 600 years?
- This play is the second play by Shakespeare to mention Godzilla. What is the first? Phrase your answer in the form of a saucy limerick.
- Why, after showing so much promise, could Shakespeare never again write another play of this caliber?
- Pretend that you have a magical time machine. Would you, could you, wish upon a star and travel back in time to see an original performance of this play?
Oscar Wilde on Godzilla vs. Megaman VII
“Oh goodie, Bill, is it time for another obligatory review? It’s decent, but you’ve still got a ways to go. Perhaps they should fall in love in the end, and I do mean that in two ways.”