Governmentium

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Governmentium (Gv) is the heaviest element known to man (but not to woman, children, and anyone who lives in a dictatorship).

Description[edit]

General Theory[edit]

In general, governmentium is characterised by being almost completely inert. Special cases, that is to say isotopes of governmentium with their idiosyncratic differences are detailed below. One consistent aspect of governmentiumt is that as time increases the size or atomic mass of the atom increases. Isotopes of recent appearance are less massive though almost equally inert. This will hopefully be illustrated with a formula appearing in this section Real Soon Now.

British Governmentium[edit]

It was discovered by Gordon Brown in June 2007, and contains ten protons, and 656 neutrons, comprising 40 assistant neutrons, 70 deputy neutrons, 145 assistant deputy neutrons, 165 supervisory neutrons, and 225 committee member neutrons, giving it a total atomic mass of 666, and atomic Number 42. The neutrons are all split into several types, the three most common of which are designated Labour, Conservative and Lib-Dem. Occasionally, a neutron may be unaffiliated. This is called an Independent Neutron, but these never get above committee member level. Each type of neutron is affiliated with one of the protons. The proton is responsible for organising the neutrons in its category, and the proton which has the most neutrons in the atom is designated the Prime-Proton. The Prime-Proton is in overall charge of the atom.

There are also several million electorons, which give it a strong negative charge. These play a key role in reorganising the atom (see below). The protons and neutrons, along with any electorons which want to become protons or neutrons, are collectively known as politicions.

American Governmentium[edit]

In American governmentium (GV-1 or 'yankee-governmentium') the Prime Proton is a loose proton which impacts the governmentium under electoronic force. Since governmentium is practically inert, this does not alter the fundmamental state of the atom and the 'invading' proton is said to be P-resident. While the P-resident proton is theoretically unaffected by neutron activity, or lack thereof, it has only ever been observed to be either of the two classes of neutron. The maximum effective half-life of the P-resident proton is four years, though a further period of 'residence' has been observed on some occasions. Shorter periods of 'residence' have been caused by electoronic force, usually in the form of lead (Pb) hitting the P-resident proton at just under the speed of sound.

Australian Governmentium[edit]

Canadian Governmentium[edit]

Canadian governmentium (GV-2) Australian governmentium (GV-3 or 'ocker-governmentium) has an atomic mass of 127. The half-life is approximately 31 months. The Prime Proton attempts to control all reaction by a combination of 'charisma' and 'bluff', two of the distinctive 'flavours' of quark that make up the Prime Proton in this isotope. The flavours so far observed are 'charmed' or 'charismatic', 'deceptie', 'traditional', 'megalomaniacval', 'entrepreneurial' and 'messianic'.

Protons with like flavours are seen to gather together in a tight clump referred to as 'a cabinet from the Latin. Impulses are generated by the 'cabinet' and radiated to the electorons who thus act as if they had an effect on the protons and neutrons. What determnines the flavours of the quarks is at this time unknown, though child abuse is sometimes suspected.
GV-3 is unusual in that it is a governmentium atom extremely susceptible to outside influences, particularly from the element sinicum and the element indostudentium. This latter element is the loudest element known and is believed by some to be an 'aslylium-seeker' element. Indostudentium affects governmentium by suddenly causing massive and disproportionate activity in the molecule, a process known as FIS-ion. For example, hundreds are electorons are destroyed annually in vilent collisions over money, but when just one particle in a molecule of indostudentium is slightly miffed, GB-3 flies into paroxysms of anguish and flurries of activity.
The sinicum atom is mysterious, inscrutable and threatening though now has so much money it can prevent any catalytic activity in the governmentium atom.

South African Governmentium[edit]

GV-4 is a newer, or possibly more recently discovered isotope of governmentium. As with all isotopes of the element it is practically inert. The quarks that make up the protons and neutrons in this isotope are radically different but are divided for the convenience of the P-resident and Prime Protons into three classes. These are African, Nigger and Coloured. The atom is made up of these ANC particles and no other particles have made up the atom since 1994. The half-life of the P-resident proton is 5 years; the half-life of the remainder of the atom is unknown, though evidence suggests that it may have an infinite lifespan. The electoron cloud is one of the least active of all governmentium isotopes, though the rate of annihilation of one or more electorons by other electorons is by far the largest in any known Gv isotope.

Uses[edit]

The main use of governmentium is to slow down other reactions. The duration of any chemical reaction is multiplied by ten for each microgram of governmentium present. These reactions must take place with a catalyst of money. An absence of this catalyst may cause the governmentium to decay.

Reactions and Reorganisation[edit]

Governmentium is completely unreactive.

It does, however, reorganise itself. Every four to five years, the electrons choose the proton or neutron that they want to represent them in the nucleus. Each electron shell is represented by one politicion, and all the electrons in that shell which are eligible to vote (ie. all the male electrons which have completed more than 18 orbits), can select their favourite. The politicions that compete to represent a typical shell are typically the neutron which previously represented that shell, and three or four electrons. If a proton is competing for a shell, then there can be many other politicions competing against it, because they like the extra attention.

Once the selection process is complete, the politicions are organised into their various ranks by the protons. The Prime-Proton also appoints a cabinet of neutrons to control the various sub-committees. Each proton can also demote and promote the neutrons of its own type, between the different ranks of neutron.

Decay[edit]

When governmentium decays, the politicions may immediately reorganise to prevent total collapse, in a process known as snap-election. If the atom does collapse, the nucleus decomposes completely, giving off anarchic radiation. This usually causes a civil war amongst the electrons, before they appoint new politicions, and rebuild the atom.

Decay is rare, and is caused in three main ways. The most common is for the neutrons to table a motion of no-confidence in the protons. If this passes, the atom will start to decay, and can only be prevented from doing so by the resignation of the Prime-Proton, and immediate and complete reorganisation. The second possible cause of decay is the assassination of the Prime-Proton, however this usually just results in the appointment of a replacement, from the neutrons loyal to it. The third cause of decay is a coup d'etat by the electrons, which almost always leads to complete decay.

Known isotopes[edit]

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