Grand Theft Auto: New Orleans

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The cover for GTA: New Orleans

Grand Theft Auto: New Orleans is an installment in the interminable Grand Theft Auto computer game series.

Main character Carl "Sweet Ass" Collins arrives in New Orleans for Mardi Gras in February of 2005, with the goal of being crowned King of the Zulus in the annual parade. The missions in the earlier parts of the game involve eating po' boy sandwiches, scoring marijuana from the ghost of Louis Armstrong, avoiding voodoo curses, and helping wheelchair bound elderly ladies cross busy roads.

New Orleans is hit by a light rainshower that devastates the city. Carl abandon his drug dealing to make an inflatable rubber dinghy; the game is notable for its innovative rubber-hose interface that allows the player to experience the thrill of inflating a raft until his lungs ache. About a month after the storm subsides, CJ's sister Kendall swims into New Orleans looking for Carl. Carl is holed up in an abandoned house in the rich part of town (aka whiteyville). Having not seen a woman in months, CJ tries to initiate sexual activities with Kendall, who mocks his under-developed genitals and makes him her leather-bitch on a leash.

Will they make it back to California, or will they contract a disease from the filthy water or be stabbed by a drunken frat boy visiting for spring break? That is up to you!

Story[edit]

Pre-Katrina[edit]

Having just gotten back from a tour of Afghanistan, Carl Johnson decides that it is time he uses his military training to terrorize the city of New Orleans and amass a huge personal fortune as well. He arrives in the city for the 2005 Mardi Gras celebrations and uses the celebration as an opportunity to sell dope and hook up with smokin' hot college babes.

Carl's ability to hook up with women depends on how muscular he is, how much money he has, and his style of clothes. If Carl has not had sufficient time to built these skills, he also has the option to get the girls drunk which lowers their resistance. If he is really desperate he can also drop roofies into their drinks. The more girls Carl sleeps with, the higher the player's score. Banging lots of chicks also raises Carl's sex appeal and respect levels, but raises his risk of contracting herpes or chlamydia, which lower his respect levels to sub-Gary Coleman levels.

During the disaster[edit]

Carl must avoid rising water and flying debris during the hurricane. He can take cover at either the SuperDome or the Convention Center. If he chooses the Convention Center he must avoid would-be rapists and robbers and if he chooses the SuperDome he has the option to rob and mate with people.

Post-Katrina[edit]

In the days following the disaster, Carl must work at satisfying his basic needs including food, drink, and sex. Later Carl wanders into an affluent neighbourhood on higher ground that was not severely affected by the storm. Many of the houses are guarded by white southerners armed to the teeth but Carl manages to break into one of the homes, upon which he discovers the homeowner's head has mysteriously exploded. When Kendall arrives a week later, Carl swears he does not know what happened to the owner. Carl and Kendall also engage in a sexual relationship after Carl initiates intercourse with her in a desperate attempt to relieve his overpowering sexual urges. After a few weeks, Carl has the option of doing missions for both the mayor and the President. Eventually he makes enough money that he is able to leave New Orleans and go back home to California.

Alternate Endings[edit]

At the end of the game Carl's fate, as determined by what you did in the game, can be one of the following:

-Death by Asplosion -Death by contracting cyphillis (dat's wat u get for fucking hookers) -Burn someones house -Burn your own house -Get infected by a Ginger

Characters[edit]

Carl Johnson[edit]

The main character of GTA: San Andreas returns for Grand Theft Auto: New Orleans. In the beginning of the game, Carl arrives in the city lured by the booming drug market. The early parts of the game have Carl making drug deals across the city, doing drive buys, picking up hookers, and hooking up with hot college girls during spring break. Once Katrina hits, the mission changes and Carl must struggle to survive. Shoot all those who challenge you, loot stores for their merchandise, and eat the dead just to sustain yourself.

Kendall Johnson[edit]

Carl's sister also returns for another installment of the Grand Theft Auto series. Kendall appears in the game a few weeks after Katrina when she sails into New Orleans looking for her brother. Carl has holed up in an expensive house after the previous owner's head mysteriously exploded. When Carl and Kendall meet up, Carl, having not relieved his hyperactive sex drive in over a month, attacks Kendall in a sexual frenzy. Rather than being totally disgusted by it, Kendall enjoys herself and later makes Carl her bitch on a leash.

Ray Nagin[edit]

The corrupt mayor of New Orleans. Pre-Katrina, Carl performs missions for the mayor to take out anyone who threatens to expose his encounters with prostitutes. Post-Katrina, Carl can work for the mayor, killing all whites remaining in the city in an attempt to paint New Orleans black.

George W. Bush[edit]

The President of the United States, who Carl voted for due to people assuming he's a lazy Democrat, who underestimated the power of Katrina and ensured the public that everything will be ok by esuring bastard crooks and gang members were arrested before entering the Super Dome.

Special Abilities[edit]

Grand Theft Auto: New Orleans allows players to perform many tasks that they were previously unable to do in previous Grand Theft Auto installments. Players can do the following tasks in Grand Theft Auto: New Orleans;

  1. The Fuck Ability - GTA:NO allows the player to bang anything male or female, animal or human, at any time, any place, and anywhere in the game, even during shootouts and important missions. Doing this in a crowded area will alert the authorities though, better to do this in a secluded area. Roofies are available for purchase to make this task easier.
  2. The Cannibalism Ability - The hunger bar that was introduced in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas now has another way of being filled. This option only becomes available if Carl is near death from hunger. It is easier to perform on dead people but it can be performed on still-living victims as well.
  3. The Dismemberment Ability - Inspired by the game Thrillkill, in GTA:NO you have the ability to dismember your victims and not only cannibalize their remains but also using them as melee weapons or using them as projectiles. You can also use peoples' heads as basketballs or soccerballs.
  4. Sports - Although not as extreme as the first three options (although sometimes it can be), GTA:NO is also the first Grand Theft Auto game that allows Carl to take part in sports. It also relates to ability number 3 because Carl and Kendall can also use people's heads to play basketball and soccer. Carl can also use human legs as a baseball bat.
Grand Theft Auto
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