Grand Theft Auto: Philippines

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Grand Theft Auto: Philippines
(Pinoy Stories)
Developer(s) TGIF - Taong Grasa International Foundation
Publisher(s) P.A.M.E.T
Engine Runs on sleazy motels
Release date(s) After People Power 9 (which is tomorrow)
Genre(s) Carnapping / Begging for Food / Buttsecks
Mode(s) Puga Mode (Jailbreak), Carnap Mode, Palimos Mode, Akyat Bahay Mode, Presinto Mode, Kantutan Mode, Chupa Mode, Dogstyle Mode, Jakol mode, Pinger Mode, Rallyista Mode, Kariton Racing Mode, Jueteng Mode
Rating(s) Rated J for jologs!
Platform(s) Wordstar 3, Windows 1.0, MS-DOS, ENIAC, Analytic Engine (cancelled)
Media(s) Betamax, VHS, Pirated Betamax, Pirated VHS, Pirated CD, Pirated DVD (Pirated HD-DVD and Bluray coming soon)
System Requirements Intel 8086 processor, 10KB RAM
Input Pekpek ni Gloria
Also Available in Betamax and VCD

Grand Theft Auto: Philippines is the 666th installment of the interminable wish-fulfillment-revenge-fantasy-for-the-impotent Grand Theft Auto series of computer games, developed and published by Joseph Stalin, the TGIF (Taong Grasa International Foundation) and the 3DO Corporation, for Windows 1.0, MS-DOS and the ENIAC.


Unlike all GTA series, which all main characters came from gangsta or mobsta, GTA Philippines is a version in which you control a boy that came from a squatters area. His name is Juan Supot Lelong. He is a poor boy who was arrested by the police because the scrap he sold was an Afghan bomb detonator. As he went out of prison, he decided to change for a better life, leaving his sins behind and exploring the shitty and crappy ways of how to be rich, for example doing missions for people three times your age, hijacking vehicles and selling them to locals, killing people and picking up the money the "drop" and of course going into police cars to get shotgun ammo.


The jeepney. This galvanized deathmobile is perfect for picking up homies and hookers. It can cram up to 24 passengers - 18 inside, 5 hitching at the rear, and one unfortunate soul clinging for dear life on the roof.

As you leave the prison, you will encounter several vehicles. The common vehicle would be a bike, a tricycle, a trisikad, a kalesa, and of course, the kariton.

You beat up the horse to control the kalesa. Should the horse piss you off, butcher it in the bloodiest manner possible. You can then either fuck its putrefying carcass (boosts secks appeal a hundredfold), or can eat the beast right away (induces bloodlust). And if you're barbaric enough, try doing these in succession (though your stats would go haywire).

Your character also has stats like the Nigga CJ. So whatever vehicle you are driving, your stats would increase on that vehicle.

There is also a "Chief's bike". It is faster than the PCG or the Dirty Sanchez. Don't forget the MRT, LRT, buses and jeepneys. Some crappy cars include Toyota Vios, Rancher and some of the "Cool" dragrace cars that trying hard pinoy metrosexual coños use. Beware of these metrosexual coños, they can infect you with AIDS because they are screaming fags behind their macho facades. It is easy to spot these metrosexual coños. You will be able to identify them by the way they dress - tiiiiiight designer shirts, popped collar, buffed up bodies, plucked eyebrows and well-manicured hands.

If you've got the balls, try hijacking the Philippine Army's Tanks and APCs. With these, you can run over anything; even MMDA enforcers!! Driving tanks also grants you immunity from carnappers and pesky street children. The catch is that these tanks are derelict, rusty, and short of fuel and ammo (what ammo?).

The Tricycle and Pedicab are also accessible as "side missions" to earn money. A good strategy is to go against one-way roads to get to the destination quickly, and going fast against blind corners. It helps.


The Chakurno

Since you start off in a dumpsite, you have to make do with what you find (i.e. broken bottles, rotwood, plastic sex toys, HIV-laced syringes, festering corpses, etc). Hey, we're not exactly "state-of-the-art" here. If it's sharp and stinky, then it's good enough to kill with. Plain and simple.

Be careful around the military because they have M-16s and the heavy machineguns. You could also control the Philippine Air Force and their State-Of-The-Art F-86 Sabre fighter/bomber and the Huey transport chopper and the superweapon of the century-the paper airplane. There is also NAIA, even it's not suited in this category.

You can reload and buy new weapons here

Some weapons of the frats, gang and sunoy inculde indian target, pillbox, sumpak, dos por dos, tsinelas, batuta ni batman, underwear ni superman, super lolo, used condoms, rugby, plank, kwitis, bolo, and oh...the icepick.


The game starts in Payatas, the largest dumpsite in the country. With nothing save the clothes on your back (are those even clothes!?!?), you must make your way out of the dumpsite, and survive the urban jungle of Metro Manila.

To survive, you must "interact" with the people around you; like mugging them for cash, snatching their cellphones (which you can pawn later), hijacking their vehicles, or just plainly killing them. You'd be earning cash, albeit measly, through such course of action. Of course, you can also kill the cops and run off with their "kotong" (bribes from motorists), though more often not you'd end up giving back the bribe (and some) to save your downtrodden ass from imprisonment.

Then there are police stations, provincial hospitals and bars. In bars you can get a fly by night girl for some buttsecks (strap-on sold separately). There are also some place you have to travel via Superferry or PAL. Which, more often than not, will suck out your cash faster than Henry the Hoover.

Travelling through Manila, you will eventually get to Malacanang Palace (you will know when you see rallyists in front of a shitty-looking mansion being hosed by some badass cops). You can "recruit" up to 10 of these rallyists and use them as human shields, or sperm donors, macho dancers or whatever.

You can also venture to the retardedest southern isles of Basilan and Jolo. In the jungles lie the notorious Abu-Sayaff- Al Qaeda's rambunctious little cousins. And if you're lucky enough to encounter them, pray for a swift death deliverance. They are known for doing the following to their hapless victims:

  • Decapitate you for being a fugly infidel
  • Hold you hostage (and make you their sex slave)
  • Use your sorry ass as a meat shield in their battles against the AFP - or they just use your ass if you know what I mean *wink*wink*.

You can earn big rewards for rescuing hostages from the Abu-Sayaff (unless YOU happen to be the hostage, you're fucked). However the ever-corrupt government will impose a 69.69% tax - plus the usual "under the table" at the Customs Bureau - on EVERY bounty you garner (so it's best you kill these fuckers first). You also get, uhh... bragging rights, and CNN's attention!!

Gangs/Criminal Organizations[edit]

There are many gangs in the Philippines. Here are some of them.

  • The Mharr-V Fag GANG

This gang will fuck all men in the ass and touch little boys

  • Tigas Lelong: The place where you tickle little boys and touch their asses.
  • Kanto 69 Matherpakerz: The gang you start out with.
  • GO (Genuine Opposition): The rival gang of Team Unity and also Kanto 69 Materpakerz's brother gang.
  • Metro Manila Desecration Authority (MMDA): A group of homosexuals who destroy Metro Manila by destroying roads and landmarks, spray-painting the streets pink and not cleaning urinals. Members can be identified by their pink clothes.
  • Chupa Street Families: Your rival gang in Payatas. They're all gay.
  • Big Jueteng Syndicate: Made up of Erap Estrada, Chavit Singson, and Atong Ang.
  • Little Jueteng Syndicate: Led by Gloria Arroyo. That's why it's called "little".
  • Akyat Bahay: Good at scaling heights (I mean rooftops).
  • Pedicab Drivers: Good at kindnapping.
  • Abu Sayyaf: Kidnap-for-ransom terrorist organization somewhere in the south.
  • AFP: The miltary is split into different groups. Some are good, others are just plain cocksuckers.
  • Team Unity: Corrupt & crazy. The leader: Prospero Pichay a.k.a "Posporo".
  • Taimo Pesticiderz: A gang that knows nothing but throw their nightsoil on the sidewalks.
  • NPA ( New People's Army): Your gang when you have finally proven yourself.
  • P.E.S. (Phil. Emo Society): Squatter Emos that will annoy you with their ripoff remarks.
  • Benjo at ang batalyon pitbul: bisayan spartans. GO BORDS!!!
  • Federasyon: The largest and most influential gang of the fucking gaylords who own big mascular men.
  • Bugaw Putas: They will gladly give you sex (w/ HIV and AIDS) for free. *wink**wink*

Guest Stars[edit]

You would encounter some obstacles such as Super Inggo.
  • Mharr-V Chris Vergara: In one of your class in tigas lelong, you get to fuck this guy in the ass.
  • Erap Estrada: In one of your missions, you met this guy down the road. He offers you his Jose Velarde account for a game of jueteng.
  • Mike Enriquez: He'll destroy your name on TV with destructive words on the news with his freaky accent on GMA 7.
  • Gloria Arroyo: She'll call you right away if you rescue hostages from the Abu Sayyaff, or if you win against Manny Pacquiao.
  • Bayani Fernando Don't be confused by his name. He's not a hero! He's just the homosexual leader of the homosexual MMDA Gang.
  • Commander Robot: Notorious Abu Sayyaff commander with an RPG for a penis.
  • Jose Manalo: He would help you in one of the missions to be famous like Vic Sotto.
  • Vic Sotto: Throw him out so you would become the next Bumbilya King.
  • FPJ's ghost: Even if "Da king" is dead, his soul lives forever in the hearts of the Filipinos.
  • Super Inggo: Throw him out of the window to kill him defenestra style so you would become the next Super Inggo.
  • Jinggoy Estrada: Erap's son who is more corrupt than him.
  • Boy Abunda: A transsexual and a bi-polar gay guy who wants to rule ABS-CBN,and if you dont have money he will ask you("kaibigan, tara usap tau"), if you know what it means.
  • Imelda Marcos: This old bitch is in the list of the greediest people of all time. She uses the Philippine Funds for her shoe shopping. in the gameplay election will occur and she will either ask you to go vote buying or instead fuck her to release some strees! What a Bitch!!
  • Imee Marcos: This Crazy Ambitious bitch is the Mortal enemy of Queen Kris Aquino and one of the Evil Daughter of Imelda marcos. as you encouter her in the gameplay she will ask you to Kill or kidnap Kris Aquino and Noy Abnoy Aquino.

GTA: Tondo City Stories[edit]

The long-awaited prequel to GTA: Philippines, scheduled for release on 2009. Little is known about this game, aside from the fact that it takes place on a huge, smokey mountain of night soil filled with kanto-boys, tambays, lasenggeros, basureros and the like.

See Also[edit]