Grand Theft Auto: Theft Under A Thousand

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Grand Theft Auto: Theft Under a Thousand

Grand Theft Auto: Theft Under A Thousand is the ninth installment of the Grand Theft Auto series. It takes a different direction than all the previous games because the aim of this game is not to kill as many people as you can or destroy the city. The goal of this game is to make enough money through a year of committing petty crime to retire and never have to break the law again. You are able to commit bigger crimes if you want but they will result in jail time and larger fines and you are also more likely to get caught. You can still steal cars and it is usually Theft Under a Thousand. The reason for this is because most of the cars in Cape Breton, where the game takes place, are shitboxes. Many people in Cape Breton can't afford cars because they are either on welfare or work at McDonald's. The ones who can afford cars can only afford shity ones. The aim of this game is to make profit from petty crimes such as stealing gas, barbecues, remarketing bicycles, and selling burnt CDs.


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Main Characters[edit]

Grand Theft Auto: Theft Under A Thousand revolves around the lives of three petty criminals living on Cape Breton Island trying to make a better life for themselves.

  • Doug Fisher: Lives in the slum of Glace Bay. Runs an illegal gas station with the help of his uncle. Steals gasoline from the Tanglewood subdivision and Beechwood Drive.
  • Uncle Jay: Doug's Uncle. Remarkets burnt CDs and helps Doug run his gasoline business. Also lives in Glace Bay.
  • Antonio Sturgano: Italian-Canadian with reported Mob connections, Tony is a small time criminal despite his mobster family ties. He remarkets bicycles that he steals from the Wal-Mart parking lot in Sydney. Also helps Doug with his gas business by syphoning gas from the ICT parking lot.
  • Rex Ganton: A really tough cop who packs a powerful revolver & doesn't take crap. Despite the petty nature of these crimes, he still does "whatever it takes" to bring down the heroes, because according to him: "A crime is a crime, DAMMIT! I don't care if they're buying toothpaste on Sunday, I'm still gonna take those punks down!" Has a rivalry with Carl Vercetti.
  • Carl Vercetti: An African-Italian gang member who constantly attempts to destroy Ganton and the Cape Breton Police.
  • Señor Carlos Pistolero: A Cuban revolutionary leader who plans to take over Canada & install his own communist government. However, his military equipment is not as good as the Glace Bay National Guard's. Killing any of his men or stealing his army's equipment is not considered to be a crime, though using it against anyone other than his men is a major crime.

Minor Characters[edit]

  • Sgt. MacGillacuty - Local soldier employed at the base in Sydney, supplies the three main characters with weapons and accompanies them on several missions including the final one.
  • Sgt. Barry Gordon - Known for his good looks and muscular build, Gordon is highly skilled in the fields of jiu jitsu, martial arts, karate, kendo, and tai-chi. He is completely based on the famous Glace Bay cop.
  • Cpl. "Cannibal" Rideout - Another local soldier, has medical training and can heal the other characters. Also supplies our heroes or anti-heroes depending on which way you look at it, with weapons.
  • James Jefferson - Local pilot who operates a flight school at the Sydney airport. Lets you use his private plane known as the Jefferson Airplane. Later on, he gets a space shuttle called the Jefferson Starship.


The game starts out with the three main characters deciding that they are never going to the Gardiner Motel again, they decide that the best way to avoid going to jail is to committ tiny crimes rather than grand heists. The cops will be to busy chasing oxyheads and jaywalkers to pay too much attention to what you do. One of the first schemes pulled off in the game involves syphoning gas from cars parked in the ICT parking lot. You then proceed to sell the stolen gas for 70 cents a liter until the cops bust you. Gas can be also obtained by performing gas and dashes at local service stations. The three main characters in the game also raise money to support their liquor and drug habits as well as for courting the local whores. In addition, they have to be wary of Rex Ganton, a Glace Bay cop who's tough as steel on crime. Jay and Doug also produce their own CD which they sell out of the back of Jay's car. Later in the game you open up a strip club in Tony's house and shoot amateur porn videos with some of the women you pick up from Smooth Herman's. Selling weed and bootlegging are other sources of income. James Jefferson, a local pilot flies you around in his airplane to your weed fields located near landing strips in the forest. While your doing all this you must avoid the police and other, more vicious criminals who resent the fact that you are moving in on their territory. Eventually you enlist the aid of two local soldiers named MacGillacutey and Rideout who supply you with weapons needed to kill the gangsters. The game concludes with a massive shootout on the Esplanade. Once you kill the gangsters, the cops being so appreciative of your efforts, give you a free pass to bootleg, sell dope, and run your illegal nightclub. Everyone lives happily ever after. YAY!

About Señor Pistolero's army[edit]

Depending on how many of his men you have killed during the game, one of 4 additional endings may result:

  • If you kill none of his soldiers or very little of them, he will end up taking over Canada & ruining your fun.
  • If you kill a moderate amount of his guys, this results in a stalemate between him & the Canadian Army. This war drags on for a while, resulting in many casualties & much damage to Canada. Eventually, a cease-fire is agreed to.
  • If you kill a lot of his soldiers, he decides that the Canadian Army is too strong & retreats. Ganton & the rest of the Canadian police force decide that maybe you're not such a bad guy after all.
  • If you kill Señor Pistolero, his army surrenders & you become a Canadian hero. In addition, you unlock "Above the Law" mode, where you can commit any crime that's theft over a thousand & not get punished for it.


One of the characters drives his shitbox Mercury into Sydney

As mentioned earlier, most of the vehicles in the game are shitboxes with a few notable exceptions although the theft of these vehicles should be avoided because it is theft over a thousand.

  • Pontiac Sunfire & Chevorlet Cavalier: The two most common cars in the game. Because of these, you can never be stranded. They are only good to use as ramps for other cars driving into them, and can only be used once before becoming really shitty.
  • 1985 Plymouth K-car: Underpowered, undersized and past its prime by at least 15 years, this is a common car on Glace Bay's streets
  • 1990 Mercury Topaz: Another shitbox. A bit roomier than the K-car but still a piece of shit.
  • 1989 Ford Bronco: Looks similar to O.J's car only its more rusted and the motor is shot.
  • Rusty Old Bicycle: Probably the third most common vehicle in Glace Bay, slow and tips easily. Not a good getaway vehicle.
  • Shiny New Bicycle: Probably the rarest vehicle in Glace Bay. Faster than the ROB, but still slow, and theft over a thousand.
  • 1988 Toyota Tercel: A good car for its time but any car would look bad after 500,000 miles have been put on it.
  • 1977 Chevrolet 4x4: Good off-road capabilities & pretty good torque, but is real rusted up & has muffler problems.
  • 1976 Dodge Coronet police car: Why do the police still use these? Has good performance & is pretty well-maintained, but shows its age & has much wear & tear after 30 years of service.
  • 1978 Chevrolet Camaro Z-28: Ganton's own super police cruiser. A bit cleaner & better maintained than the normal GBPD cars. However, it's nearly impossible to steal this baby, and even if you do steal it, it's theft over a thousand & Ganton will murder your ass.
  • 1970's Kenworth W900 "Alaskan Hauler": So called because it resembles the semis used to haul supplies through the Alaskan wilderness. Slow, but durable. Shows much wear & tear after 30+ years of hauling supplies across the Frozen North.
  • Fishing Boat: Hijack one of these and you can claim any liquor or drugs you find on board.
  • 1903 Ford Model T: The Model T is usually found around the Aging Geezer Retirement Home.(If you carjack a Model T with a passenger in it they will tell about the 1920's until you murder them.)
  • 2007 WASSUP?: The most modern car in the game to be under a thousand. Well technically it's not a car but a unicycle, even though it looks like a car. Which means, if you crash, even a little fender-bender, YOU WILL DIE. So it's best avoided.
  • Willys Jeep: An old military Jeep with an M-60 machine gun. The Glace Bay National Guard has these because they're too damn poor to afford Land Rovers. So, they have to keep these well-maintained. You could take one and go on a rampage, but that's a major crime & you'll be fucked.
  • MLVW Army Truck: Canadian copy of the US M-35 "Deuce and a half" army truck. Same deal as with the Willys: The Glace Bay National Guard is too damn poor to afford newer trucks, so they stick with these trucks & keep them as well-maintained as possible. Again, theft of these = theft over a thousand.
  • Leopard C1 tank: Canadian variant of a German battle tank. Has not been upgraded since being introduced to the fleet, because, guess what? The Glace Bay National Guard is too damn poor to upgrade them. Even with the usual wear & tear, the Leopard C1 is still the most powerful vehicle in the game. However, theft of these is not theft over a thousand, IT'S THEFT OVER TWO THOUSAND! (DUN DUN DUN!) So, the GBNG will come after you with bazookas & blow your ass up if you steal one.
  • CH-146 attack helicopter: The GBNG is rich enough to afford these, though not very many. Due to its age, it might quit on you & fall to the ground sometimes. Like the other GBNG military vehicles, it's theft over a thousand for taking these, so you're better off selling burnt CDs & stuff.
  • Willys Jeep (revolutionaries' version): Same as the GBNG's version, but with a different paint job & a Browning M-1919 machine gun. Unlike the other jeep, the police don't care if you steal these, though the GBNG may shoot at you if they think you're one of Señor Pistolero's revolutionaries.
  • T-34 tank: A World War 2 Soviet battle tank. In worse shape than the Leopard C1, and not as powerful.
  • Sopwith Camel: A World War 1 biplane, armed with 2 Vickers machine guns. Used by Señor Pistolero's army. In worse shape than the GBNG's CH-146 choppers, and more unreliable. It's so unreliable that in addition to the motor quitting on you, the plane's state of wear & tear means that you may also end up shooting the propeller blades off. Use with caution.


Tony makes a getaway after stealing gas from a local ultramar

Unlike the other Grand Theft Auto games, this game consists of committing thousands of tiny crimes in hopes of being able to retire after just one year and that if you get caught, worst case Ontario, its just a bit of community service. The crimes you commit include but are not limited to:

  • Stealing and selling illegal gasoline
  • Gas 'n Dashes
  • Selling burned CDs
  • Remarketing barbecues
  • Remarketing bicycles
  • Stealing windows/doors from houses
  • Stealing shitty cars
  • Opening up a strip club in Tony's house
  • Bootlegging liquor and weed
  • Bootlegging DVDs
  • Making amateur porn and selling it
  • Stealing a food cart & selling food from it
  • Stealing hobos' liquor
  • Selling stolen firewood
  • Stealing cookies from the cookie jar.
  • Rob the libary
  • Selling drugs
  • Beating your mum up with a baseball bat
  • Buying back products you pawned
  • Camping in a vehicle in a residential area

See also[edit]