Grand Theft Auto III

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Grand Theft Auto III.

Grand Theft Auto III is a video game of the Grand Theft Auto franchise, famous for its endorsement of non-violent protest and metaphysical musings. Often the target of Video Game Criticism.


The Grand Theft Auto franchise began with Grand Theft Auto, a game in which the main character steals Steve Ballmer's car and tries to escape Ballmer's Wrath™. The game was rather one-dimensional; the car travelled in a straight line as long as the player held the accelerator button down. This action continued until either (a) the player released the accelerator button or (b) the car hit a randomized obstacle. Extremely lucky and persistent players could make it to Mexico, dying in a flurry of heroin, prostitutes and Ballmer.

Grand Theft Auto: SE added a bit of versatility to the game. Whereas a baby crawling across the street would cause the car to wreck in the original, in SE the baby would cause a short and minor slowdown. Similarly, certain objects would slow Steve Ballmer down, like people on his hitlist. A player won the game by escaping to heaven; upon Ballmer's entry, God casts him into Hell, where he spends his afterlife killing people he already killed, killing others he wanted to Fucking kill but didn't, and killing people just because.

Developers wanted a new look for Grand Theft Auto II, so they bought the rights to Flatland and called it Grand Theft Auto: 2D. The majority of the game consists of driving narrow isosceles triangles into other geometric shapes. While it is the first title of the franchise where the player can "do lines," in the game it is for the most part a dangerous proposition.

Rockstar then attempted to revolutionize the concept of the first game by allowing players to enter and exit vehicles, steer, use weapons and swear at rising gas prices. Grand Theft Auto III became one of the most significant and awe-inspiring video games of the late 20th century. It was originally released on the PlayStation 2, but when Rockstar realized they could make more money if they ported it to other platforms, they released PC and Xbox versions, not to leave untouched the wallets of console haters and Microsoft loyalists. This proved to be a groovy marketing ploy: the Xbox and PC versions made 35 trillion dollars, while the PS2 version only earned a modest 25 billion dollars. (The Nintendo version is slated for release on the Sintendo in the fourth quarter of 20X6.)


Grand Theft Auto III is set in the booming metropolis of Liberty City, a real city on America's east coast. Nerds had speculated that it would be set in the fictional city of New York (which until that time had only existed in the Wilde World of television). Liberty City is known for its rich, ethnic heritage, good drivers, and a complete lack of any trace of crime whatsoever, all of which are portrayed in the game with total accuracy. While travelling, players can visit any one of the various neighborhoods including the Docks, City Hall, the Lazer-Tag District and many Police Stations many times.

Players may also visit the Underworld (mutants) and Bizarro-Underworld as well as the suburbs of Liberty City (patrolled by packs of militant Soccer moms) and the nearby country of Little America.


Players control a lovable character with no name, identity or personality, apart from the necessary compunction to kill people. The avatar's blank personality allows players to project the facets of their own personality (fictional or repressed), a major incentive for nerds and geeks to buy the game. He has incredible strength, enabling him to carry dozens of guns, tons of ammunition (including ammunition discharged by NPCs) and enjoys the lack of a male refractory period (a mega bonus).

The player advances through the game by completing missions that seem to serve no purpose other than to give your employer a jolly good laugh. Each mission is split into objectives, the first of which is to visit Hindquarters, where you will be taken into Q's secret laboratory. Q will provide you with the awesome gadgetry you will require to complete the mission. From there the goals may vary from killing a person to killing more people to killing a person within a time limit. Oh, the possibilities!

So, this idiotic porn game (please DON'T compare this to The Godfather) starts with the player character and his bitch Candy knocking on a door and escaping, chuckling. However, Candy says "Sorry My Lord, I'm a stupid bitch and you're my My Lord!" Then the player character slips on a banana peel and his and Candy's victim catches him and decides to take him to the docks and give him a nice proper, pistol-whipping! However, the player escapes and decides to take over the world as an completely EVIL character!!!

Anything beyond is just bullshit.


Players usually start out on foot. From there they can usually run up to a car and pull the driver out thanks to a magic device which allows them to unlock car doors from the outside (the Master Key). Because the legislators of Liberty City believe in the right of citizens to bear arms, weapons are beamed down to various teleportation units throughout the city. You can get a weapon before or after you steal a car. If you have a car you can run down people on the way. Hitting people with cars is fun. Shooting people with weapons while inside a car is fun, too. It's good to have a car. Running makes you tired.

Was that a police siren? They like running people over and shooting at people almost as much as you will. They usually try to hurt you. Probably because you're stealing all their fun. You can tell how much fun you're having by the police meter. Oh, bullets are not fun if they're in you. If you get hurt too much you get resurrected. And you lose some stuff, I think. I dunno. I usually do a dance and turn invisible invincible. Or get a ton of weapons. If you do the right dance you can make the game think you're not having any fun and the police will leave you alone. It doesn't work against Ultra Jesus, though. I wish there was a code to make Ultra Jesus go away.


  • Claude aka the mute guy Some handicapped bitchy idiot who's afraid of walls, doesn't talk or have any emotions called Fido because he's a Dogg, yo!

he appears in GTA San Andreas and is the bastard son of Tommy Vercetti and a Prostitute

  • Catalina The biggest bitch in town. She has tourettes as we see it in the begging of the game. Unfortunately, she also appears in GTA San Andreas and she has sex with Claude. THe hot coffee mod helps the player to see the sex scene, but they only see Claude and Catalina having "Sex" with their clothes still on.
  • 8ball A floating talking 8 ball from snooker makes bombs for you to put on your car. A secret code can be unlocked to change 8 Ball's appearance. Entering the codes Triangle, Triangle, Triangle, Triangle, Triangle, Triangle, Triangle, Triangle, Start (Ps2) X (Xbox) Ivegotbigballs (PC) will make 8 ball turn to a monster with 8 balls.
  • LuigiRockstar got the rights to use Luigi in there game. Luigi is the biggest gangsta to hit liberty and owns a sex club. He is also been described by the reviews as the games sexiest player and many people wanted him to to return in the other games.
  • "Don" Salvatore Leone Rockstar even got the rights to use the godfather in there game. The godfather tries to kill you in the end for stealing his peanuts
  • Tony CiprianiSome fat guy who lives with his mum. He hates fish because it's too healthy. Tony instead orders several boxes of KFC.
  • Joey LeoneIs the son of Salvatore and he has a girlfriend called Misty. He also has some seriously thick eyebrows, almost there to a uni-brow. Because of his eybrow contreversy, some say that Joey is Rodolf Hess
  • Misty Again, Rockstar SOMEHOW got the rights to take a character from another franchise to its own. She now wears green because she thinks that she's from grove street.
  • Donald LoveHe is a man disguised as a woman disguised as a man pretending to be a woman who thinks she's a man disguised as a prostitute, acting like a homosexual acting like a bisexual pretending to be some nerdy asshole named Donald Love
  • Maria She is Salvatore's girlfriend who fancies Claude, she always wears Leopard print outfits
  • Mickey Mouse He is a secret character. When in his "retard" form, he is super weak. When in his "super mega ultra fantastic" ninja form, he becomes invincible. NO HAX NEEDED!
    Mickey Mouse. Note how even in his "retard" form, he still has a gun. That's how cool he has.
    File:The Unknown.png
    Mickey Mouse, in his natural habitat.
  • El Burro A really fat Mexican/Spanish/Latino/Filipino/Arabian who calls Claude for some stupid missions. Some of the missions include stealing an Ice cream truck, Robbing a donut shop for the donuts, not the money, filming El Burro's sexiest Porno film and taking El Burro to the hospital because he ate too much Cluckin' Bell.
  • The Oriental Gentleman A wise Chinese man who works with a man disguised as a woman disguised as a man pretending to be a woman who thinks she's a man disguised as a prostitute, acting like a homosexual acting like a bisexual pretending to b e some nerdy asshole named Donald Love
  • D-Ice An OG who's the better brother of Eminem and Vanilla Ice. He has a super power in which he can make every OG in the streets wearing purple or/and red use a bat instead of a gun.
  • King Courtney A Haitian/Cuban/Jamaican/Pakistani who wants to make some goddamn serious love with Claude. In a beat up car. In a desert Island. With the plate name reading PakistaniKootalove666. Colored vomit pink. On the planet Jamaica.
  • Ray Machowski Another fat guy, but this time, he lives with a bulletproof Hummer named Mr. Asskicker.


  • This one time I hit a hooker with a baseball bat.
  • Ooh, and the Colt Glock .4517switcheydooda
  • Was the katana in this one or Vatican City? Katanas are like the coolest swords ever.
  • You could use a pistol, but you can't kill a lot of people fast with a pistol.
  • I think Shotguns are pretty cool. Actually, it was probably Lego Island.
  • The purple dildo made its first weapon appearance with a cameo role in GTA 3, setting the precedent for all future FPS games to have one if you look hard enough
  • Is there an AK-47 in this game? I think there's one in every game. They're pretty cool.
  • Uzis shoot a lot of people fast. They were in some movies too, I think.
  • Oh yeah, flamethrowers! Watching people run around on fire is pretty funny.
  • I remember explosions.
  • Speaking of explosions, I had this wicked cool rocket launcher called a supercannon that made really BIG explosions & could destroy a whole bunch of tanks in one hit!!!
  • Now that I think about it, it was Grand Theft Cosmo.
  • I'm pretty sure there were ducks....lots of ducks
  • Did you think the only weapons were things you carried in your hand? Try drowning yourself!
  • You can also use a rocket launcher that shoots exploding laser chainsaws that also shoots ninja stars that explode and emits napalm
  • The Suicide Claude, a timebomb device you can strap to your manhood and run out to your target with it ticking.
  • MISSILE LAUNCHER! (Have nerdgasm)
  • The Akimbo Model 1887's,Its A One Shot Kill,Its a 1337 Shotgun,It Has The Range Of A Assault Rifle.


  • You want a really fast car. Very fast cars Pwn. Badly. Fast cars drive slower than slow cars.
  • Speaking of fast cars, the police car is the fastest vehicle in the game! You can even disguise yourself as a cop as long as you don't do anything stupid!
  • You can hijack an ambulance. This one time I got in the ambulance and ran over the EMTs. It was pretty funny.
  • Someone told me I could get the Batmobile, but it was really just the penis-shaped car from The Ambiguously Gay Duo. It was pretty ghey.
  • If you do the right dance you can make a tank fall out of the sky. Because God loves you that much. He wants you to kill the sinners. Should this be under weapons?
  • Cars don't drive underwater. I found this out the hard way.
  • Theres a boat but no one likes the boat because it is ghey.
  • There was a plane but it didn't do what planes are supposed to do. It spent more time in the water than in the air.
  • I once found the Popemobile!
  • The Mach 5 can be unlocked when you become the girlfriend of Trixie and fuck her. It can be found in her crack palace


  • You can kill pretty much anyone in this game that isn't in a cut scene.
  • I think there are some gay guys. They run pretty funny.
  • The fat guys run pretty funny, too.
  • You can pick up a handy nurse with your car. She can perform surgery on you. I don't think she uses painkillers because the guy keeps rocking the car.
  • Sometimes you shouldn't kill someone, because it might ruin the mission. But you might be able to kill him afterward. I don't know, I usually don't do the missions.
  • Oh, I forgot about Ultra Jesus. You can't kill the son of God.
  • Shooting up old people in this game can be very entertaining :)
  • That goes for homeless people too ;)

Other Features[edit]

  • They have these fake radio stations, I think. I usually play my own music. They're okay. Except for WSTH, it's this underground station in the Underworld that plays nothing but Stairway to Heaven.
  • They have these garages where you can have your car repaired/painted at so the police laugh at you. I just use the code.
  • Sometimes you can enter the buildings, but they are very dark and you are likely to be eaten by a Grue.
  • You can convert to different religions by doing the correct missions for them. Oh, if you convert to Judaism, you can kill Ultra Jesus. I usually don't do the missions, though. I wish there was a code to make Ultra Jesus go away. He always comes into my apartment at, like, 3 am and asks if I have any veleveta. and I say "god, shut up! Freakin' idiot."

Special Features[edit]

Grand Theft Auto was the first and last game in the GTA series to provide support for the popular but infamous Nads Shock Force Feedback device. A legal dispute with the manufacturers of Nad Shock resulted in them pulling support for GTA from their drivers. One user gets serious burns and they try and sue us.

In-Game Tips[edit]

  • Don't buy this game at Future Shop because everything there is so overpriced
  • Don't buy this or any other game, download it with crack, it's a lot cheeper. (Serbian old skul way)

See also[edit]