Graphic design

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“We where doing fine before graphic design came around.”

~ Saul Bass: Graphic Designer


Graphic design is the process of ejaculating via visual and physical display. The visual impact of a product's packaging, and thereby its subsequent sales should in no way be underestimated. Figure 1 shows an early example of branding for Coca Cola in the late 18th century. The product (at the time branded "it's fucking horrible") underwent a immense upturn in sales (7%) once the more familiar "nudy-woman" motif (Figure 2) was employed (along with the tag line "drink this and you could knob her too. Probably."). This is a much cited example of the power of effective graphic design.

The graphic design industry is extremely competitive. In order to obtain employment designers must have an extremely high level of artistic ability, self discipline, communication skill and most importantly be very good at sucking cock, as graphic designers will almost certainly have to resort to prostitution in order to get a job.

Of course, design extends beyond product branding into some of the less obvious, but none-the-less significant, design of the Norwich underground rail system (Crappotrack) in 1933. Figure 3 shows the original map as it appeared in stations for nearly 130 years. Following the decision of Lloyd ffion Nnmmnuts, head of Norwich Corporation Council City of Chambers in 1932, "..I think we need a decent map of the Crappotrack - I don't [know] where I is going haff the time..", to design a new one. Brandon Handon, the leading graphic designer of the day, was commissioned to undertake the task. And he took his inspiration from the famous London Underground map, produced 5 years earlier by Sir London Poncy-Sap, the famous graphic designer of Knee Road, W1, at Poncy-Sap, Wank And Didlo Partnership. The startlingly simple solution is shown in Figure 4.

Design Roles:

Creative director: Person in charge of the design team. The creative director ensures that the end result produced is something that fulfils the client’s needs. They support the team by providing creative influence and giving members a quick blow job to "perk them up".

Art director: Art directors are people who have given the creative director a blow job many, many times to get to their position and have demonstrated exceptional ability in blow jobbing. They make important decisions related to the project they are involved with and they are responsible for ensuring that the blow jobs given to the client are are received on time and to standard in order to ensure that the artwork is accepted.

Rubbish Collector: The only person who actually creates any artwork, as it is considered too, unimportant for a professional designer to do. A real designer is someone who can ass kiss and cock suck the client into buying the rubbish collectors work.

I would like to add the following:

Just another view, it is important to consider different perspectives, to fully understand what graphic design can be about:


graphic design started as an applicable labor, that of producing visual information and communication out of need for identity, this need is coming from a graphic designers' client, and is most likely to end in logo's, logotypes, books, typefaces, on to websites, and other web applications, as well as audiovisual media and so on. Of course these types of visual communication are not always used for commercial purposes or the sort, it may as well visualize criticism, or radical movements.


a graphic designer is always processing information, like anyone else, the 'input' or 'inspiration' can be of any kind, but the output is narrowed down to some form of a designed meaning, which has become more and more multiform over the last decades. This is because of technological progression, expansion and exploitation of media.

The multiformity of this 'output' has also become more intelligent and intellectual, especially in first world countries of welfare and having a high conjuncture, Graphic design has become a more conscience profession, and the need for identity does not always come from a client, but content (and therefore, the 'input') is also generated by the designer himself, which is often referred to as 'editorial design.

The boundaries of graphic design as a labor are completely gone, graphic design has become a title under which you can exercise a wide range of professions. the following text will illustrate the fluctuant definition of graphic design.

Fundamentals of Graphic Design[edit]

1. Layout

The relative positioning of elements is crucial to the success of a design project. Hans Unterkants and his Polish close collaborator, Lech Jgjfhdjfhcnzy, of the Bauhaus in 1928, Developed the famous "off page" layout (Figure 5), where the design was precisely 14 feet to the left of the page edge. Will jolly clever, it had limited commercial use (see Figure 5 again). More commonly we make use of layouts that have been tried and tested over the last few decades. These layouts are shown in the table below:

Table 1.

layout nameusagepopularitycommentexample
Golden triangleadvertisingveryvery popular in advertisingFigure 6
Silver circlein booksfairlyfairly popular in booksFigure 7
Bronze boxon the beachnot reallynot really very popular on the beachFigure 8
Copper kettlewith sconesdeeply hateddeeply hated with sconesFigure 9

A common mistake made by students of graphic design is to assume their designs are good because they have configured the elements within a standard layout. Even if it looks good, they are sadly mistaken as they won't be. This is because it's the deviation from the established layouts that leads to truly great design (see Figure 5 again). The public at large, of course, do not understand this (as often do commercial clients) and produce unhelpful comments such as: "I don't get it..", "what is it...?", "where is it ...?" (see Figure 5), and "that's shite..". There's an old saying amongst graphic designers, "The customer is never right". How true.

2. Colour

Never underestimate the importance of colour! Even the lack of colour can be as powerful as colour itself, provided the monochrome is infused with colour. Colours, of course have meaning and convey mood, and so the context of the design must be considered:

Red: Danger, fast, blood, sex
Yellow: sickness, vomit, death, disease, custard, sex
Blue: Cool, cold, freezing, frozen, sex
Green: Youth, life, energy, poison, death, decay, sex
Orange: Fruit, juice, sex
Pink: girls, gay, boys, sex
White: ice, snow, cocaine, virginity, purity, sex
Black: night, darkness, blackness, death, poison, despair, misery, metal band web sites, zombies, sex
Grey: rain, Norwich, underpants

Only the great graphic designer and artist, C R Smith, achieved great designs with his legendary "Windows" designs; completely clear sheets of glass were used in an installation for a client. Brilliantly, the "Windows" effectively "inherit" the colours of the items that can be seen "through" the glass.

3. Typography

The choice of font is fundamental - "fontamental" is my design teacher would quip - to the effective communication of a design project. Consider Figure 6a. Here the advert for a Funeral Parlour makes use of "Comic Sans Serif" font. Whoops! Figure 6b makes use of the more refined "Perpetua" serif font and immediately the effectiveness of the ad is restored, communicating trust and empathy with potential customers.

As well as choosing the right font (see the table below), text itself can be part of graphic image, reshaped and angled to provide interesting effects. Figure 7 uses text going in various directions and overlapping to impart a sense of immediacy and panic. Combined with layout a very powerful impact can be achieved. For example, a poster designed for the Norwich West Radical Theatre Group's performance of "Hamlet - Bastard!" used an "off page" layout to great effect (See Figure 8) - a radical and surprising design.

4. Gay computers

Of course, the tools for producing design have changed over the years and the computer is central to this. Which computer? In most design agencies you will tend to find Apple Macintosh computers. The reasons being that they handle the large image files well, are easy to use, and are flouncy and gay like the people who use them. Indeed, if the Mac was a bicycle, it would have a basket.

5. Wanky names

One last important ingredient to effective production of good design work is to describe your design company (that is, you in you back room) as "new media solutions". It means that you own a computer and a read a tutorial on how to make photos look like a watercolour painting. Most important though, is to come up with a name with 2 apparently unrelated adjective-noun pairs, and where the domain name has not gone yet. For example, Marble Goatscheese, Silent Shitlip, etc...