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“I had one for breakfast, delicious....”

~ Oscar Wilde on Babies

The graviton is a type of midget "responsible" for the force of gravity. Gravitons are emitted by any body having mass including gravitons themselves. The more mass a body has the more gravitons are emitted from it, thus increasing the body's gravitic quotient.

Gravitons were discovered by Sir Isaac Asimov while he was sitting under a tree, pondering the ultimate answer to life the universe and everything. A ripe apple fell on his head which proved irrefutably that small particles emitted from his own body had caused the apple to hit him in the head.

Properties of gravitons[edit]

  1. A Graviton at rest tends to stay at rest. That's it.
  2. A graviton G emitted from body Y is said to be in love with Y.
  3. When a graviton becomes excited by a foreign particle, it tries to return to its lover.
  4. Once you touch a graviton you won't be able to leave it where it was. It will be stuck to your finger (supposing you touched it with a finger) for the rest of your days and there's a 3.14% possibility that if you buy a dog cat it comes with a graviton stuck at the end of it's tail. They are really really sticky and because of this danger they were classified as PFDUKKM (prohibitted for domestic usage) by the ISoPT (International Society of Prohibited Things).
  5. Every graviton has a equal, but not opposite particle.

Gravitons also have associated anti-particles, originally dubbed anti-gravitons, but now known simply as morons.

Graviton particles, are usually generated by rotor turbines on physics ranches, but only under supervision, and not by children under three or those taking medication for weightlessness, such as astronauts or Kate Moss.


There is no real use for gravtions, because in 1937, Gravity was disproved by Bill O'Reilly, and gravitons have all gone homeless because of this. Most gravitons resort to prostitution and organ-dealing in order to pay rent, and many die of venereal diseases such as AIDS and Chicken Jizz, a rare Indonesian virus. If you can get a hold of a dead graviton, they can be used as enemas and/or dildoes. Otherwise, these gravitons are a waste of Space.


Mainstream science parrots the foul rhetoric of gravity, basking in the unholy glow of the eternal heavy force. Isaac Newton was the first and perhaps the worst, but they have wormed their way through the thin membrane of time and have thus always been among us in our multitudes.

Gravitons tried to kill the Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk, and were only thwarted by an act of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, to whom we are all indebted.

They are among us even now, enforcing the tyranny of Down on the masses.

Note that because the graviton is supported by current scientific theory, the SPOTAS (Society for People Opposed to Teaching Accepted Science) completely disputes its existence. The correct and accurate theory that explains gravity is really Intelligent Falling. All this "graviton" stuff is nonsense. Of course since gravitons are the opposite of morons that does in fact make falling intelligent.

See also[edit]

Elementary Particles
Proton - Muon - Bozo - Graviton - Gluon - Quark - Electron - Photon - Moron - Neutrino - Gayon - Darkon - Unobtainium - Unununium - Ballmiton - Crouton - Tachyon - Tron - Badger - Sauron - Roricon - Spork - Hardon - Onion - Galvatron

Ok, the study of gravity has its ups and downs. It took me 29 years of research to find the graviton. Alfred Herman Schrader