Grease Hut

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A photo of the Grease Hut. The palm trees are fake, and are constructed from discarded hamburger patties.

The Grease Hut is a small restaurant that specializes in greasy food, and that food is primarily grease. It began operating in 1842, and had encountered very few problems with its business. Many Americans favor the food at the Grease Hut, as do many who come to the restaurant from around the world. Contrary to popular belief, the Grease Hut was not the cause of the Great Grease Fire of 1812.

Creation of The Grease Hut[edit]

The Grease Hut started as a small truck stop along a major interstate highway. Food had gotten greasier at the time, and one company decided to take it to the limit, and, thus, The Grease Hut was born. A full 10 pounds, 4 ounces. Yes, it was such a happy moment...

...Huh? Where was I? Oh yes. Grease Hut. They are still famous for their policy: "We'll cook the burger to perfection, drain the grease, and serve you that." The Grease Hut was originally owned and operated by president James K. Polk, who had been alive since 1795 because his friend Ponce De Leon had given him a jug of water from the fountain of youth. He later handed the business over to a 27 year old man by the name of Johnathan Freeloader in 1867.

Later, in 1886,David Bowie teamed up with local mathematician, nuclear physicist, college professor, professional VCR programer, Gucci Mane. In exchange for the title deed for the Grease Hut, Gucci would do David Bowie's 4th grade math homework because he always got too stoned to do it. David Bowie, now finding himself out of work, dropped out of Elementary School, and began to pursue his musical career (if you can call it that). However, THAT is another story.

A picture of former Grease Hut owner, David Bowie. President Barrock Obama thinks he would look better with a bald head.

Gucci Mane the new owner of the Grease Hut celebrated having his own fast-food restaurant sold it after 27 minutes because he needed help for his 5th Grade Math homework. Later Martha Stewart (after his/her sex change, involving the sewing of a camels dick)purchased the Grease shack for enough for a 20 pack of Accord Regulars. For the time Martha Stewart served as manager, he had fired the whole working staff, and automized the entire process of serving food. Melvin also began to serve textbooks smothered in grease (for he had to appeal to his original clientèle as well as the entire National Chess League). However, his employees, still disgruntled after being fired, threw a truckload of water balloons at Melvin on his break. When Melvin Checker began to spark and smoke, the employees realized that he was not a human at all, but a robot! (After all, they figured, no human can program a VCR.) These employees did not welcome their new robot overlords, and proceeded to take Melvin to a chop shop. He was not heard of since.

Since the Grease Hut was now without an owner, the former employees gathered together, and attempted to decide on a new manager. However, when Aldo "Armpit" Arravichi, who had a reputation of being as tough as undercooked linguini and as stinky as week-old clam sauce, was running late to work that day (after a long night producing perfectly valid-looking Wikipedia articles), appeared on the scene, all the employees fled in terror of his impressive knowledge and ability to make up actual-sounding facts. Arravichi quickly became the manager of the Grease Hut.

James K. Polk had brought the business to what it is today, but Freeloader and Arravichi did their part to keep it moving strong. Mr. Polk was famous for his toppings: Grease, fried grease, chicken flavored grease, and Bleu Cheese Ponce de la Edward Grease. Arravichi promises to make all of the food the way James K. Polk would have, but Polk doubts this.

An ad for the hit movie, "Grease Hut".

Stardom at the Grease Hut[edit]

The hit movie, "Grease", starring John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John was inspired by the Grease Hut, and part of it was filmed in front and inside of the restaurant. This brought the Grease Hut much recognition, which give it its big Business Boom of 1982. Travolta became a regular patron at the Grease Hut shortly after, which explains the massive amounts of grease present in his hair. Later, the sequel, "Grease Hut", was also created. During his 27 minute ownership of the Grease Hut, Melvin Checker filmed part of his movies I Love My Clone and Conjunction Malfunction at the Grease Hut.

Robbery at the Grease Hut[edit]

While the Grease Hut was under the ownership of Jonathan Freeloader, a band of armed robbers robbed the Grease Hut. Johnathan was sleeping in his footy pajamas (you know, the type with the rabbit ears, and the little tail?), and woke up as he heard the paper door of the Grease Hut rip wide open (the door, being made of plain paper bags, was designed to keep Martin Van Buren, who could not rip through them, out of the building.).

As Johnathan ran downstairs, a gun was stuck in his face. The robbers demanded the supply of grease. Johnathan recognized these men instantly. He decided that they were either his Aunt Birtha, or an angry mob from Burger Prince! His Aunt, Johnathan reasoned, had been tossed into the grease vat years ago. She was as greasy as they came.

Jonathan ran to the register (just a coffee can with the words "Grease Hut" written on it, with both "e"s backwards) and activated the silent alarm as he rolled out a few cans of grease toward the robbers. The robbers, happy with their haul, rushed out of the Grease Hut, but were stopped when police showed up. The sergeant got out and said, "Waste them. We're always right." That was exactly what they did, and the Grease Hut's prized grease was safe.

Unfortunately, Jonathan Freeloader was emotionally scarred by the accident. After the robbery had occurred, he believed robberies were happening every second of his pitiful life. For example, a woman selling insurance came up to him and asked him if he was interested in volcano insurance. He responded, "Okay! Okay! Just don't shoot!" He displayed this same behavior again when he walked into the confessional at his church. His priest said, "Give me your sins, and I shall reconcile them." Freeloader responded, "Okay! Okay! Just don't shoot!"

The Typical Menu Items at the Grease Hut[edit]


  • Chilled (or hot) Grease
  • Industrial-Style Grease
  • Grease Cola
  • Grease Float
  • Crisco Shake
  • Chocolate Grease
  • Grease

Alcoholic Beverages

  • Sam Adam's Grease
  • Santa Luccia's Imported Grease
    The pouring of a glass of Santa Luccia's Imported Grease. Vintage 1986.
  • Grease and Tonic
  • Grease Vodka
  • Greasy Mary
  • Slightly Virgin Greasy Mary
  • Hail Mary (full of grease)


  • Chips and Grease
  • Refried Grease
  • Grease Kebab
  • Grease Casino
  • Platter of Fine Swiss Grease
  • Pâté de Fois Grease

Main Course

  • Grease Dog
  • Nachos with Dipping Grease
  • Grease in the shape of president Martin Van Buren's head
  • Mexican GREASEadilla
  • Grease Custard
  • Surf, Turf, and Grease
  • Former Owner Melvin Checker's Grease Smothered Textbooks
  • Thai Lemon Grease Chicken


  • Freeze-Dried Grease
  • Fried Grease
  • Chicken Flavored Grease
  • Bleu Cheese ponce de la Edward Grease
  • Spiced Grease


  • Greased Alaska
  • Grease Sundae
  • Flan with Grease
  • Grease with Strudel Filling
  • Mousse a la Grease

The Grease Hut Goes Global[edit]

Under Arravichi, the Grease Hut saw some of its greatest years. It was this man who decided that the restraint would benefit from chain extensions to many parts of the world. He decided that Russia would be the best place to start his global chain, because, at that time, World War II had just come to an end, with a surprise victory by the French (mostly due to ally support), and Russia had suffered great losses. Arravichi thought that the best thing in a time of economic crisis was cheap food - exactly what the Grease Hut could offer. He established the restaurant in Moscow, and it had soon gained popularity, but things did not run as smoothly as Arravichi had hoped. While he gained approval of the Russian people and government, the various babushkas (grandmothers, but Russian, with terrible power) didn't approve. One of the babushkas, Natalya Levishultnikevinskyov (the biggest woman in all of Russia), addressed the Russian people, explaining why it was such heresy to dine at the Grease Hut. An exact portion of her speech is as follows: "For hundreds of years, the babushkas have been the largest people in all of the land. That is the Russian way. This Grease Hut will steadily increase your body fat levels, and soon, you will be as big as your own babushka, and she will not be very happy about that!" Since the Russians feared nothing, EXCEPT their babushkas, they decided that it would be better to make an all out attack on the Grease Hut, rather than be spanked by the hand of their babushka, which was, on average, the size of a large oven skillet and weighed as much as a cinderblock. Later that week, thousands of Russians, using the famous "Strength in Numbers" approach, attacked the grease hut and burned it to the ground. Arravichi tried to escape, but Levishultnikevinskyov did a Babushka Belly-flop on him, paralyzing him from the waist down. He made it out of the country alive and returned to America, but, since that day, every time he heard the Kalinka, he would go off on a tantrum for hours on end.

Against the Grease Hut[edit]

A child-sized serving of "Industrial Style" grease. Critics deem this an "Excellent Value".

There are some people who despise the Grease Hut, and, moreover, hate James K. Polk for founding it. They think that the Grease Hut greatly contributes to obesity, ulcers, goiters, and electoral votes in favor of Richard Nixon.

One man, Maurice Chavez, said this about the Grease Hut: "I cannot believe the condition in which the employees (if they can be called that) are kept in. They are completely uneducated, and quite frankly, rather smelly. Rumor has it that they bathe in their grease. I asked the manager about this practice, and was told that it contributes to the flavor. Anyway, one day, I was at their restaurant, and a man came up to me, swinging his arms wildly in the air. I politely asked for some extra dressing for my Grease Kebab and this chef, dripping with grease (I suspect he has just bathed in it), dumps grease on my grease, and began to wildly shout 'Grease Hut! Grease Hut! Grease Hut!' They also recite that while cutting greasy meat (and also taking off a finger or two in the process)! It's a disgrace!"

Some people have supported Chavez's "Anti-Grease Campaign", but most shove him aside to enjoy their grease. Many fast-food restaurants such as McDouglass's, Burger Prince, Windy's, Colorado Fried Chichen, and Jerk-in-the-Box had plotted to destroy the Grease Hut, and one of these plots, "The Great Grease Raid of 1986" was actually carried out on October 3, 1986, when an army from Burger Prince ran to the Grease Hut and started to wreck the exterior. One man managed to get inside, but he was thrown into the sausage grinder and was served to a greasy-looking patron. This scared the angry mob from Burger Prince away.

As usual, the "6 o'clock News" wanted a story for the evening (AND because the media can't shut up nor can they stop nosing around). They sent a reporter, Legs Flamingo to the scene. He ducked behind various grease piles until he gained entry to the Grease Hut. As he observed the chefs, they chanted the familiar symphony of "Grease Hut! Grease Hut! Grease Hut!". As he continued to watch, one of the chefs cut off his finger in the process. As he continued to stare in horror, the wound leaked grease instead of blood. Then, the finger grew back! He rested his hand in a pile of bubbling hot grease, as he was still stunned from the grotesque sight, and yelped in pain. Slowly, all of the greasy looking chefs turned around, and then slowly walked toward him. Flamingo raced out of there with an army of chefs after him, but he evaded them. This brought Legs Flamingo to two conclusions: First, the chefs at the Grease Hut were force-fed large quantities of a special grease that converts blood into grease, and, second, the chefs could very well be genetically altered people who are now enslaved to work at the Grease Hut. After his report, Legs Flamingo was surrounded by reporters of other media stations and was questioned on what he saw. He only said, "More news as it comes in".

President Martin Van Buren's rendition of an ad for the hit movie, "Grease Hut", out of anger toward the Grease Hut's founder.

Another who was against the Grease Hut was President Martin Van Buren, a rival of James K. Polk. He gave powerful fire and brimstone speeches to the people that told of the horrors of the Grease Hut. Here is a quote from Van Buren's speech:

Cquote1.png My fellows! In my last attempt to ward you away from the Grease Hut, I must say that I would not so much as even wax my bald head with that grease! Vote Van Buren for a grease-free future! Cquote2.png

However, Van Buren lost most of his popularity in his second term. He still won the second time he ran in a presidential election by holding up pretty signs and giving out candy to voters to appeal to their most base instincts. By his fourth reelection, Van Buren failed miserably on his campaign. He talked of the Grease Hut so terribly that the 90% of Americans who ate there began to despise him. Many believed he was a creature of the night who sometimes got drunk and couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag (of course this is alluding to the great Van Buren V.S. Generic Brown Paper Bag match, in which, Van Buren lost, because of his severe allergic reaction to paper lunch bags. Unable to open his lunch bag, he was forced to eat his own toupee, which he said tasted like flan, to prevent starvation). To protect his reputation, Van Buren stated in a speech, "American people, I have said no to drugs. They just wouldn't listen!"

In short, Van Buren hated the Grease Hut to no end. As Melvin Checker, the nerdish former owner of the Grease Hut, had put it, "Martin Van Buren had despised the Grease hut to the most intense degree, and that happened to be a 97.3 degree angle". Van Buren later opened a new business, called the "Lease Hut". He sold fast food and also leased things such as houses, posters of himself, and Jimmy Carter action figures, including Kung-FU lip action. As you may have guessed, his business failed miserably.

Note: Today, most historians consider Van Buren a "Crap Head", as he once was found with his head lodged in James K. Polk's toilet, a place that is only slightly less greasier than the Grease Hut.

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