Great Waco Fiesta of 1993

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The Great Waco Fiesta of 1993 occurred in April 1993 witnessed a mass murder committed by the FBI, ATF, ALF, the Delta Force, Richard Albinger, and the A-Team on a weird but peaceful commune. During the final assault after a 51 day siege, 76 men 76 women, 27 children, and Count Yorga's manservant, Edward Walsh died due to gunshots, CS/Cyanide, explosives, and arson.


The ATF had a problem: Nobody needed them, they were a completely superfluous agency. There simply weren't any crimes big enough to warrant the existence of a huge agency related to Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Since admitting that would mean losing one's job (and thus the ability to randomly shoot people up), they started manufacturing their criminals themselves. They started practicing the following routine:

  1. Find a anti-government nut with guns.
  2. Drag religion into it, if possible
  3. Also, if possible, use entrapment for some criminal charges.
  4. Out of the blue, assault them with maximum force.
  5. If they are dead, declare them terrorists, fabricate evidence, and get media coverage.
  6. If they survive, declare them dangerous terrorists, and hunt them like wabbits.
  7. ???
  8. Profit! The ATF's existence is once again legitimized!

The ATF had pulled that little stunt a couple of times in 1992 alone. When they found out about the Branch Davidians, they thought they'd just have the perfect victims for their next stunt.

The Branch Davidians were one of many stupid Seventh day Adventist sects in the bible belt. They believed the apocalypse was coming soon, believed before the end times a super-government called Babylon would fight righteous christians, and considered their religious leader a prophet. They spent most of their time sexing each other and their children, and reading the bible, sometimes at the same time. Over a hundred people, men, women and children, maybe 20-30 families, lived and collected ammunition in their compound in Waco, which they called Mount Caramel. They were stupid, and weird, but peaceful, somewhat like the Amish but with electricity.

The ATF's plan was to fabricate a reason for a warrant, and then move about 100 heavily armed ATF agents, as well as helicopters from the national guard to the compound. The idea of the ATF was very simple. Being crazy-anti-government-gun-nuts, they believed, the Branch Davidians would storm out of their compound, guns blazing the instant they saw 100 armed agents trampling their daisies. This would lead to a massacre of the Davidians by the heavily armed and protected ATF agents, another flawless victory.

The first assault[edit]

The problem was, the Branch Davidians were not crazy. Even though helicopters gunned down everything not wearing an ATF vest, including children, and the ATF agents instantly shot at the people who wanted to greet them at the door, the Branch Davidians didn't leave their compound, put up minimal resistance, and resorted to calling 911, and shooting only the agents that did enter their house. Ultimately, 6 Davidians died, and 4 agents, with a total of 30-40 more wounded.

Later the same day, another three davidians were caught, coming back from a frat party in the city area of Waco. One of them was shot dead while attempting to climb the fence to get to his family inside the commune.

The Siege[edit]

When the ATF realized that the Davidians wouldn't just come out to get themselves killed, they laid up a siege, stopping press and civilians in a 3 and 5 miles radius around the compound, so no information from the Davidians would enter the mainstream media, and only what the ATF (and later the FBI) would announce, would be published.

A few days after the initial raid, a number of Branch Davidians left the compound to surrender to the police, where they would be jailed and accused of murder and conspiracy to kill federal agents, illegal use of firearms, and sexing little boys. They were all acquitted at a later date, as well as the few survivors who were accused of the same things.

Eventually, the FBI became involved, borrowed themselves a bunch of tanks from the National Guard, and started negotiating with the Davidians. Which means, essentially, telling them they would be shot if they tried to leave their compound, all while the ATF and FBI at the same time suggested to the media that the Davidians would refuse to leave and shoot at anyone coming near their compound.

The FBI sneakily installed surveillance cameras everywhere inside the compound, organised Delta Force to help with their plans of killing everyone in the compound, and continued to demonize the Davidians to the media.

The conditions in the compound were becoming increasingly horrible after the FBI and ATF had shut down water, electricity, and plumbing. In addition to that, the ATF and FBI systematically terrorized the Branch Davidians by running tanks over their freshly buried friends, running over their cars, using stadium lights to illuminate the whole compound, and playing loud Celine Dion at all times.

According to the survivors, Koresh eventually realized what was going on: they were intentionally being driven mad as to incite an incident, to provide an excuse for the federal agents to launch a destructive assault on the compound. Besides, if he couldn't be a rockstar, then logically he must be God, right?

After almost 50 days of siege, Koresh announced that he had clubbed seals with a bible, which meant that he intended to leave the compound peacefully. This was be the worst possible thing that could have happened to the FBI and ATF, since all the evidence of their misconduct would be preserved, as well as all the witnesses surviving. They convinced spastic lesbian She-Devil Janet Reno that the Davidians were satanists that would be summon Godzilla to destroy the USA if they weren't stopped, so Janet Reno gave the ok for an assault.

The final assault of april 19th[edit]

Several tanks, retrofitted with throwers for the highly flammable Brut cologne, outfitted with gatling guns with grenade launchers attached, and equipped with several other devices would begin crushing the underground bunker, where most of the women and children were known to be. Followers of Koresh shielded themselves from random gunfire with their bibles, wishing that they'd made wiser religious desicions. Over the course of several hours, a number of tanks unloaded massive amounts of Brut Cologne into the compound, destroying it, while Delta Force operators gunned down everyone who attempted to flee the horrible stench. About one minute after the last tank ran out of Brut, incendiary rounds were fired at the compound, which started three fires. Due to everything being covered with highly flammable cologne, fuel from crushed fuel tanks, the fires quickly consumed the entire complex. The Delta Force had set them up the bomb above the central concrete structure, that would kill everyone still alive after the lethal amounts of Brut, fire, and gunshots that were fired into the building.

Almost all evidence was removed and/or supressed, and the whole affair was pronounced a wholesome success by the ATF and FBI, who then partied until they were so drunk that they killed each other. (Then everyone else in the United States partied until they were drunk. Gun owners couldn't work out how to fire their guns)


Afterwards, the government denied everything and subsequently demanded proof, which was impossible to find since shoutyperson Alex Jones built a church on top of the former Branch Davidian compound, blaming international atheist communist secular space aliens for the incident. Timothy McVeigh got angry about what happened at Waco, so he decided to plot a terrorist attack in Oklahoma City on the second anniversary of the incident, causing moral panic over domestic terrorism and fear over the safety of others outside of home.

See Also[edit]