Green River Star

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A look at the Green River Star office. Its square figure and hardened exterior make it immune to all forms of attack. It is helpful for fending off swarms of barbarian hordes and keeping the citizens of Green River safe.

Widely known as the best and most distributed newspaper in the United States of America, the Green River Star hires only the best and it shows in their product. The Star is located in a small Wyoming town known as Green River, a site that has proved to be the ideal place to make and print the best newspaper in the world. Due to a distinct lack of outside influence and extreme bigotry, Green River's finest can concentrate on churning out great original articles and magnificent online polls.

Overlord Dave Martin[edit]

The leader and perhaps the most intelligent and inspirational person of the 21st century, Dave Martin works his hardest to make this newspaper the very best. Known for his drop-dead-gorgeous fashion sense and insurmountable attention to detail, he can make any basic news story into a work of art. His controversial decision of moving from a daily newspaper to a weekly newspaper caused much rioting and chaos. The townsfolk of Green River and Rock Springs were shocked that such a divine reporter would commit such an ass-backwards move. Little did they know that this one plummet from the rocket ship would start-up the best newspaper ever created by man. When Dave arrived at the Green River Star it was just a little old run down newspaper, writing about little local stories that no one cares about. With elite Dave reporting for the Star, it became a fantastic, unimaginably good newspaper, writing about little local stories that no one cares about.

Papa Martin

Martin History[edit]

Not much is known of his past, but the few facts that stand are slightly disturbing. Dave was born in a cave somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. His mother was kidnapped by what seemed to be a bear, but turned out to be a half man, half bear, humanoid. This humanoid looked much like the bear transformation on the Sega Genesis video game Altered Beast. This humanoid forced his way into the special place of Dave's mother. The bear-human kept the mother well fed and cared for, but she could not leave the cave. Dave was born soon after due to some kind of gypsy bear magic.

Award Winning Online Polls[edit]

The Green River Star has one of the most professional websites in the entire world. It even ranked among the Top 10 Internet Sites as voted by the world. The single reason it attained this status is by it's adrenaline-building, controversy-causing, online polls.

Popular online polls[edit]

  • Is breathing good or bad?
  • Would you be rather be sleeping or going to the bathroom?
  • Do you put your name on other people's work?
  • Do you write nasty editorials about your old workplace?
  • At meetings do you sit in front of the camera to show off your sexy body?

Inverse Note-taking Theory[edit]

Developed by Dave Martin, this theory has a very simple strategy, and has been a major contributor to the success of the Green River Star. The complex details are only known by Dave Martin, but he has spread his theory worldwide, and avidly teaches the strategy. The simple breakdown consists of writing down notes at the least important moments. This tactic puts other reporters off-guard as you write at the exact opposite time as everyone else. While your notes may be inaccurate and useless, your tape recorder can get all of the information, and you can successfully distract the other reporters from getting their story.

Attend all meetings policy[edit]

The Green River Star has a strict policy of attending all meetings worldwide. By doing this, they can acquire all news and control the flow of information. This plan was stumbled upon by the Overlord himself. Martin found that if he attended as many meetings as possible, whether they were relevant to his area or not, he would be immune to all accusations of plagiarism. Furthermore, Overlord Dave came up with the formula meaning conscious attendance of meetings would result in zero accusations of plagiarism.

Green River Star sentries defend their valuable sage brush from the cover of these umbrella sheltered pill-boxes.

The Green River Star and the ecosystem[edit]

The Green River Star, like any organization or entity occupies a position in the ecosystem, until overlord Martin came to rule the Star with it's iron fist, the paper was only a low circulation weekly newspaper, not the juggernaut of journalism it has become today. However the juggernaut seems to be close to destroying it's own future.

Great Sagebrush Plague[edit]

The Green River Star does not use normal paper, they harvest their own paper from the nearby sagebrush. This ultimately started to dramatically effect the ecosystem as more and more sagebrush was ripped from the land. The Star had become so popular that the they needed a massive amount of paper to send out their issues to a worldwide audience. They collected nearly all the sagebrush from all of Wyoming, so much that it caused it to become an endangered plant. In an attempt to save the local ecosystem several sagebrush reserves have been established in the desolate wasteland that surrounds the Stars platue like fortress.

Environmentalist Riot of 2006[edit]

After nearly all the sagebrush was gone many enraged citizens took up arms against the Green River Star. They took up their pitchforks and torches and attempted to bring the Green River Star down. Unfortunately for them, the Star's impenetrable fortress was too much for the tree hugging hippy force. The war only lasted several days, but it will live on in the hearts of the one's that fought it.

The rise of Overlord Dave[edit]

Nearly forgotten myth and legend speak of a time when the great gods of old battled for supremacy, these legends speak of a great battle between the "Gilbert" and Overlord Dave Martin, this titanic struggle resulted in the destruction of Utah.