Greg House

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Gregory House is a fictional character on a fictional show on a fictional network that has a depressingly real fan following. House, the title character of the show, is a diagnostic pathologist who has a very special kind of practice. Apparently, people from the tristate area will fall ill in a period of between two and five minutes, depending if the producers of the show want to show House drinking, getting high (more on this later) or fraternizing with the female doctors or not. After a brief commercial break, House sets to work using one of a few methods of solving the puzzling medical mystery which happens to him once a week on Tuesday evenings, passing along quirky fun happiness to all he meets.

Methodology[edit]

Generally speaking, the way in which House figures out WHY this hot woman suddenly has the urge to copulate with everything she sees (or some other fascinating real-life medical problem; no shit, check out the credits. There's like four doctors they have as consultants. They don't make enough in their real job, I guess.) will fall into one of the following categories. Occasionally, however, there are elements of several approaches, and once in a while, the producers let that Australian guy solve something for House.

The "I told you so" Approach[edit]

... in which House's first guess from looking at the medical history and file is utterly and completely correct. In this case, most of the rest of the episode is him doing all the tests the other doctors want to do, watching them come up negative and rubbing it in their faces over and over until the woman doctor gets pissed off and/or sleeps with him.

The "There's more than one thing wrong with this guy" Approach[edit]

... in which House's first guess from looking at the medical history and file is utterly and completely correct, but there is also some other underlying medical condition which has the same symptoms except for one. This results in the rest of his staff being convinced that he's wrong, so they go through all the tests and they're all wrong, and about ten minutes before the end of the show, House figures out that the patient has a lot wrong with him, instead of just a few things wrong. It should be noted that this usually results in less "rubbing the facts in the face of the subordinates" than the first approach.

The "If it's not broke, don't fix it" Approach[edit]

... in which the person happens to be a victim of a series of strange, one time occurrences in and out of the hospital, which results in the patient looks like s/he's sick, but isn't really. House tends to pick up on this by breaking into people's houses to look for said environmental factors/panties. This approach is sanctioned by the Medical Board of America. No shit.

The "Insurance Shotgun" Approach[edit]

... in which House has absolutely no fucking idea of what's wrong with this person (at this point, usually a kid, terminal cancer patient, or old person) and decides to run three to five versions of every medical test known to humankind. MRIs he hands out like candy, so that doesn't count, but things like phlegm biopsies and amputation of the left eardrum are more "diagnostically interesting". About halfway through the show, with nothing else to go on, he'll order all the tests to be done again (in the case that something didn't work right the first time, probably Chase's fault) along with something more painful.

House: the Man, the Myth, the Legend[edit]

Greg House has many distinguishing features that make him STAND out, giving him a LEG UP on the competition in the RACE to the finish line. Heh heh.

Social Characteristics[edit]

Among other things, House...

  • is bad-tempered.
  • is cantankerous.
  • is mean.
  • is self-absorbed.
  • is annoying.
  • constantly thinks he is right (like most men on this planet).
  • will not apologize for anything.
  • doesn't do what the Pope'll tell him.
  • obviously does not have a conscience.
  • has problems with dealing with other people's feelings.
  • has a thing for doctor Cameron but won't admit it.

Physical Description[edit]

Dr. House is in his 40s. He is relatively thin, considering HIS RIGHT LEG DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. Note also that, when he got his leg working again for a brief period of time, he could immediately run 12-14 miles a day. he could also mirraculously skateboard... He apparently, however, has arms that could kill a man, if he could put down the cane to use them. He is also incredibly addicted to Vicodin, a weapons-grade narcotic, along with lots of other things.