- This article is part of the List of weapons that don't exist, but should.
“I once saw a kid playing with one of these. Pretty messy.”
“Who needs a helping hand?”
The M822 Hand Grenade is an explosive device that resembles a hand. On activation, the device lunges towards the nearest face or face-like object, slapping it and immediately exploding violently in a gruesome mess.
Special care must be taken when activating the grenade. When activated, one should run behind the nearest wall or bush and squat down, so that the grenade cannot "see" you. This will prevent the grenade from jumping at you, and will ensure no harm is done to you.
Things to Avoid
Avoid the following in the presence of a live hand grenade:
- Shaking hands
- Waving in a "Hello" motion
- Giving a "High 5"
- Balling your fist in a threatning way
- Punching "anyone or anything"
- Making any hand signs including the "Peace Sign", the "Shocker", or "Flipping the Bird"
- Urinating or similar activities
- Shaking a leg
- Waving any type of flag, especially white (unless you are French)
- Pole vaulting
- Scratch your balls
- Breathing or any other activity in general
- Picking your nose while jumping on a moving train
- Playing piano
- Playing a Tuba
- Existing in this universe or George Bush's
It is rumoured that some of the first hand grenade prototypes were used during the Spartacist uprising of Germany in January 1919. Due to a lack of records that exist in what we have come to perceive as reality, historians cannot be sure as to whom the grenades belonged. Whilst some individuals have suggested that death certificates may be examined to determine the longest survivor of the uprising as the most probable owner of the hand grenades, the suggestions have never been referred to until now, rendering them less than helpful. An eye-witness who cannot be named for lack of effort told the CBBC in 1999 of how several hand grenades thrown at once began to wrestle with each other. This 'wrestling' effect produced by the hand grenades allegedly caused much confusion, which resulted in everyone within a kilometre radius of the hand grenades becoming retarded. This hand grenade 'wrestling' phenomena was known to be used as a tactic by a small boy who once imagined a war in his head. Because of the highly retarding effects of the grenade and the lack of significant space between the war and the boy's brain, the boy soon decided to move onto a different game.
How to cook a Grenade
- 1. Put some extra virgin acid in to the pan, then place the grenade in the pan.
- 2. Use low heat to fry gently for 5 minutes for rare or 10 for well done.
- 3. Add a sprinkle of TNT and a few bullets for garnish.
- 4. Serve with a plate, fork, knife, and a bomb suit.
- 5. Bomb apetit.
How to use
- Wait for an appropraite moment, usually when time slows down to best capture the motion of the grenade
- Pull the pin out with your teeth, making sure not to accidently swallow it
- Spend way too long explaining how the person needs to die
- Blow up in the least dignified manner possible