Grimm's Guide to Torturing Children

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A complete guide of folk methods to torturing children

Grimm’s Guide to Torturing Children was originally published in 1844 by F. Scott Fitzgerald. It contains over 200 folk methods to torture children with.

Due to the whimsical, almost prose like nature of these “methods” they are often mistaken for fairy tales, and consequently often told to the snot nosed offspring of Morons.


In 1845 a second edition of the Grimm’s Guide was published by the Brothers Grimm it included three new folk tales. Iron Henry (a story about a boy and his iron maiden), the wolf and the seven little kids (a simple story of seven children locked in a room with a ravenous wolf), and Jack and the Beanstalk (a story about an Englishman named Jack who was beaten and suffocated by a dominatrix named "Beanstalk").

The modern editions of the Grimm’s Guide only contain 192 folk methods. However, a controversial internet-based Grimm’s Guide will include 121 internet torturing techniques along with the classic 192. Some torture "Purists", as they call themselves, are offended by this abrupt change in such a classic novel.


The Grimm’s Guide has influenced western society for many years. It is the main reason why English, French, and German children are so well behaved. In fact the Grimm’s Guide is given to all new parents in Finland.

Grimm’s Guide in Asia[edit]

Contrary to Uncyclopedia sections, Grimm's Guide was never released outside of Asia, which is probably why English, French, and German children are oftentimes miserable little bitches.

Stories included in Grimm’s Guide[edit]

  • Iron henry and the froggy fellow
  • The story of the youth that went forth to learn what fear was
  • The wolf and the seven little kids
  • Hansel and gretel
  • The white snake
  • The mouse the bird and the sausage
  • Little red cap
  • The devil with three golden hairs
  • The girl without hands (who has the shoes without laces but with them velcro thingies instead)
  • Cleaver hans
  • thumbling
  • the six swans (see cover)
  • little snow white
  • the death of the little hen
  • gambling hansel
  • the goose girl
  • Bearskin
  • Tales of the paddock
  • Hans the hedgehog
  • The horny huntsman
  • The flail from heaven
  • The iron stove
  • One-eye, two-eyes, and three-eyes
  • The shoes that where danced to pieces
  • Iron hans
  • The turnip of death
  • The old man made young again
  • The story of schlauraffen land
  • The glass coffin
  • The duration of life
  • Death’s messenger
  • The goose-girl at the well
  • The nail
  • The poor boy in the grave
  • The spindle, the shuttle, and the needle
  • The boots of ‘buffalo’ leather
  • The lady with the fat worm
  • The swine flu and the school kids