Grizzlybearwood (Commonly incorrectly shortened to "Bearwood" is a suburb of Birmingham renowned for its population of grizzly bears, strange people and grizzly bear related shit.
“You're shitting me...that place still exists?!”
Grizzlybearwood was originally founded when a group of inbred half human half grizzly bears were forcibly removed from the centre of Birmingham. This provoked them to establish their own, overpopulated ghetto.
The territory of the forest was originally marked with their piss. Later signs were erected to prevent unsuspecting tourists entering.
Grizzlybearwood was the only part of England to be successfully invaded by Adolf Hitler in World War II. Hitler's infamous polar bear army were paradropped on the 7th July 1942. Grizzlybearwood's half human half grizzly bear inhabitants couldn't fend off the Polar Bears and the whole of Grizzlybearwood succumbed to Nazi occupation within a measly 4 minutes. However, on April 30th 1945, the Grizzlybearwood resistance force managed to assassinate 'Hanz Kunt' the Nazi Polar Bear General Leader of Grizzlybearwood, by poisoning his fish supper with semen. Minutes after this the entire Polar bear army disbanded and are now in hiding from prosecution for war crimes. On hearing this news Adolf Hitler committed suicide in Berlin, and the War was almost over.
There are still remnants of the Nazi occupation in Grizzlybearwood, including a 400 foot statue of Adolf Hitler himself. Countless campaigns have been made to demolish this statue, but have proven unsuccessful so far because a pair of rare golden eagles have nested in Hitler's groinal region. Despite the illegality of their actions, many campaigners have attempted to dislodge the eagles.
Famous Organisations (& Food)
Wednesday is a dark day for the inhabitants of Grizzlybearwood, between the times of 7.30 and 9.30pm (the time also known as 'The Hour of the Beast') dozens of wild and disturbed teenagers descend on the small Church of St Mary, Grizzlybearwood. This meeting place for the deranged youth is called Dizzy, which directly translates from ancient Greek meaning "Evil" and from the Latin "Dirty Gay Bum Sex is good for you and many members enjoy it including Maz."
At this meeting, the youths discuss their evil ways, and also hold numerous workshops, learning more and more ways to cause suffering to anyone who is unfortunate to come across them.
There are two leaders of Dizzy who are wanted by the police for numerous crimes, including: murder, Hit and Run!! and drug smuggling. They were also rumoured to be the leaders of the nearby Brothel 'Cuddles' before it was raided by the police/ cheap men who didn't want to pay. Their names are not known but they like to be referred to as Don A and Don M. It is also said to be the birth place of the mysterious new paralympic sport MAZ-BALL. this involves throwing/kicking a ball or balls (of the bear or human variety) at Maz.
There is an Iceland in Grizzlybearwood renowned for its cheap alcohol and willingness to serve anyone who can say the word "Vodka". For this reason, Grizzlybearwood has the highest rate of infant binge-drinking. Due to constant beatings by the members of Dizzy, most of the Grizzlybearwood inhabitants become too brain damaged and hence stupid to be able to say simple words such as "Vodka", meaning that most of the people of Grizzlybearwood can no longer buy alcohol and therefore lose their alcohol dependence by the time they are 13.
Neelam's Kebab House
Guaranteed to fulfil the desire for a kebab, which contains less than 5% real meat and more than 75% animal genitalia, no matter what the time of day. However, the after effect is not desirable whatsoever. Cillit Bang is the official sponsor of all Neelam's Kebab aftermath. Enough said.
Lightwoods Fish Bar
“Don't be stupid, if you eat deep fried Mars Bars you will get a heart attack”
Lightwoods is the main source of food for the inhabitants of Bearwood, as 99% of the population have no knowledge of food preparation. It is well known that if Lightwoods didn't exist mass casualties would occur as a result of starvation.
Lightwoods Fish Bar is one of the few fish and chip shops outside Scotland whose main aim is to clog the arteries of all of the people who eat there. Lightwoods Fish Bar offers luxury foods including: deep fried Mars Bars, Double Deckers, Snickers, Mince Pies and Cadbury's Creme eggs. It is also well known that the roguish members of Dizzy visit this Shop on a weekly basis.
Lightwoods is also famous for its orange chips. Centuries have passed, thousands of scientific tests have gone ahead, and still no-one but the owner of the fish bar knows the secret recipe for these chips. Recent events have led to these orange chips only being available for a few days a week, and this has caused an uproar in the local community. The availability of the traditional orange chips has decreased due complaints from a few drunken louts from outside Grizzlybearwood. Don M and S from Dizzy have called for these people to be killed, it is only a matter of time before this happens.
Grizzlybearwood is renowned Birmingham-wide for its vibrant population of the inbred species known as Grizzlybearwoodians, none of these creatures are remembered for anything other than the rape of unsuspecting people (usually 1/2 year olds).
An example of one of the many victims is "Luke Botting" who astonishingly retained his virginity but lost his trousers whilst in Grizzlybearwood. Rumours have spread about how he managed this amazing feat, one of these many rumours is of a mysterious stranger known only as "Phil's mom" who apparently commanded the bears to stop when they were about to commence their grizzlybear grizzly-bare-rapage, the bears (under the influence of bear alcohol) stopped.
His heroes include:
- Adolf Hitler
- Adolf Hitler
- All Gays
- and Adolf Hitler
“Fetch me a panda egg.”
Dear women...if you enter Grizzlybearwood we have to inform you of a sexual predator that stalks the streets.
Name: Jamsey of Jaminess
He has just been released from the confines of the computer so is armed and dangerous however he is not all too bright being of the male species, however his x-ray vision may cause problems for the boobacious. However with out him we would not know how to get out of chinese bamboo torture.
Max Payne aka Jeni Nottingham
She recently appeared in the documentary Jumper as she has the ability to appear anywhere and everywhere magically. If you look carefully at the 1969 moon landing you can see her peering out of the Apolo 11. She currently holds the record for the long jump at Grizzlybearwood Primary School at 753485937 metres. Shortly after receiving her taking part award she was mobbed by angry Japanese tourists who thought Grizzlybearwood was a nature reserve and was subsequently blinded from all the camera flashes. a spokesperson for these tourists just said "Foto, foto".
Her hobbies include:
- Appearing everywhere
- Spinning in circles while looking at the ceiling
- Appearing everywhere
- And Appearing everywhere
- No seriously shes spinning around behind your back right now... TURN AROUND SHES GOT A BIBLE!!
A seemingly primitive creature of Grizzlybearwood, the Maz has many homosexual tendencies. He is a well known Mazzuse, working in cuddles, the renowned "massage parlour". He is descended from the polar bears of Hitlers parabears infantry squad. This could be the reasons for his liking of the older German man and famous clients of is include Arnold Schwarzznigger, David Hasselhoff and Barry Scott who said to cum cilit bang (which saves Maz washing).
Run while you still can DO NOT rely on the buses or any other puiblic transport in bearwood it will not come, DO NOT become hypnotised by the bus shelters reported bus arrival times THEY ARE MADE UP (particularly the ones for the 11)
The only road available for public use in grizzlybearwood is the grizzlybearwood high street, renownd for its bear prostitutes, beggars, and "dizzies" building and most importantly the fish bar that sells deep fried mars bars (also referred to as "mecca which must be visited every Wednesday", do not expect to be able to get to the building without repeated harassment (rape) by the bear grizzly bears of grizzlybearwood.
The proud recipient of the 'Rape Hotspot Trophy' Lightwoods Park is the only legalised way to be abused in Grizzlybearwood. It was created upon request by local campaigners in an attempt to reduce the number of 'criminal' rape trials.
- By the time you have read this article three albino mongooses will have died of sunburn.
- It was voted 4th best place to visit, in a poll by Gay African Goat Herders Commission.
- Its population of bears is only matched by it's population of unemployed.
- The Machinist, more commonly known as 'Some shite' was filmed there.
- The place is a shit hole.
- Once in you cannot get out.
- Rape has been legalised and re-titled 'Surpise Sex'. Provided the Surprise-Sexer shouts "Surprise mo-fo!".
- It is sometimes referred to the shit-hole of Birmingham (which is itself the shithole of the UK which is the shit hole of Europe (and so on and so forth)).
- You will lose The Game upon entrance of grizzlybearwood.
- If you quickly say "Child bear" 10 times then tap your shoes together you will arrive in Grizzlybearwood
- Surprise mo-fo!