Guantanamo Baywatch

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Originally conceived by a wombat on vacation in the Australian Outback, this groundbreaking series, starring the late Dr. David Hasslehoff (Famous for being the first man ever to eat his own legs in a live television broadcast and then miraculously grow them back like some kind of human lizard hybrid) provided pornographic insight into the dangers of wearing nothing but a pair of orange pants in the most notorious prison on the planet. Set alongside some of the most dangerous, perverted and vile villains on the planet, it is needless to say Hasslehoff gets more than a heroic dose of severe buggery, suffering various often ingenious forms of sexual humilation during each of the 260 episodes (spread out over 13 series and 4 years).

Unfortunately, this series was cut short at the start of the 14th series as a result of an unfortunate incident involving 2 of the inmates feeding small mammals up a tube inserted into Hasslehoff's anus. The star's head then unexpectedly imploded in to his own scrotum, despite the star's frantic attempts to chew his way through his own nutsack, he was proclaimed dead within half an hour of the act. With no willing volunteers available to replace Hasslehoff, the series was forced to end abruptly, and the incomplete half-hour episode of Hasslehoff's futile attempts to gnaw his way through his own scrotum released on special Christmas edition dvd in honour of the late actor's contributions to the performing arts. RIP David Siegfried Björgólfur Ulrich Fürchtegott Rupprecht Wolfhardt eisenwaffershiman kroneckershittonmutovskionia rubafuckinshiffter Leberecht von Nordenflycht the 3rd, König von Arselhöffer, Kaiser von Heidemöse, Herzog von Nukem, Sheik al Bourbon in Königsberg (Ostpreußen), Deutschland)TM

Guantanamo Baywatch: band[edit]

Along with being a syndicated television show, Guantanamo Baywatch was also the name of a raunchy, half-dead surf punk band from Portland, Oregon. Known mostly for their hit songs such as "Cum Fart Food", "Titz & Twatz", and "Anal Tongue Dart Frog", the group became notorious for on-stage antics which included (but were not limited to): onstage golden showers+guitar solos, chugging Pina Coladas, giving out free cook books, having live (dying) sharks on stage (no joke), mid-show make out sessions with audience members, etc. Though very little merchandise for the band was ever created, fans of the band are usually recognizable by their ragged tank tops depicting zombie Hammer Head Sharks, clip-on rat-tails and empty Stumptown coffee cups used to collect change.

Members included:

Chicky Baby (bass/vocals)

Pizza Eater (guitar/vocals)

Uzi (drums)

Booze Cuze (guitar)

Turok: Vaginal Hunter (drums)


Electric EEL Spaghetti

Hammer Head

Halloween Live From The Artistery: Guantanamo Baywatch as THE CRAMPS

Sewer Skewer

See also[edit]