Guttenberg Bible

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The Guttenberg Bible is a rare artifact that predates many important inventions relating to literature, such as the Real Bible or typesetting, and many improper literary inventions like Danielle Steele novels. Famous historian Tom Cruise claims that L.Ron Hubard wrote the book under the guidance of the Tokra.


Forged in the fires of Mordor, the Guttenberg Bible is a rare beta script for what would go on to become the second-best selling book in the world (Just narrowly beaten out by William Shakespeare's critically acclaimed masterpiece Romeo and Juliet), the Bible. It was originally thought to have been first printed in 1492, although recent tests, such as carbon dating, carbon engagement, and carbon matrimony, place the original printing at 668 AD.

It was printed on papyrus, like what the Egyptians did with their scrolls. Unlike the scrolls, it was printed in Latin, not pagan heathen writing forms.

Differences between the Guttenberg Bible and the real Bible[edit]

The main difference between the Guttenberg Bible and the real Bible is the substitution of Jesus for Steve Guttenberg, who was originally slated to be the Messiah, the King of Kings, the Lamb of Judea, the Only Begotten Son of the One True God, The Way, The Truth & The Light, and all those other great titles bestowed upon Jesus.

Early test readers thought that Guttenberg was unlikeable as a main character, they found his divinity questionable, and they complained that starring in Three Men and a Baby wasn't a big-enough miracle. So author St. Peter went back and redid the storyline completely, substituting Christ for Guttenberg.

It was widely agreed by 4 out of 5 test readers that Jesus makes for a much more believable Messiah. The only dissenting vote was cast by Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, Lord of Hell, the Father of Lies, the Serpent, the Deceiver, The Adversary, Iron Chef Golgotha, and all-around shifty dude.

The Guttenberg Bible today[edit]

Today, the Guttenberg Bible is a treasured find, akin to porn star Holly Grail. It is widely considered to be one of the rare Sinful Bibles, or Bibles that contain grievous errors. Other Sinful Bibles include:

  • The Adulterous Bible: Famous Bible proclaiming that yes, it was alright to sleep with anybody you wanted, even after marriage
  • The Pointless Bible: Rare misprint by a printer who had gotten confused somewhere between the exclusion of Steve Guttenberg and the inclusion of Jesus Christ, thereby leading to a Bible with no savior. The 12 Apostles spend all of the New Testament wandering around aimlessly, the Anti-Christ sits around bored, and the Virgin Mary gives birth to a healthy baby of nothing, as one would expect a virgin to do.
  • The Irish Bible: Unknown origin, but universally condemned for it's usage of God coming down from Heaven, seeing the Israelites building false idols, and proclaiming "Ay, what the feck is this shite?!" The printers were excommunicated for their insistence of God being Irish.

Steve Guttenberg today[edit]

Steve Guttenberg died a poor, broken man in 2004. He was unmourned and unremembered. He never recovered emotionally from losing his status as savior.