Gyro

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Mythology[edit]

Gyro the Greek God of lamb and beef.

Food[edit]

The gyro is one of the few food items known to have time limits on its consumption. It has been found that gyros can only be consumed between the hours of midnight and 4:00am. Recent research also indicates that a blood alcohol concentration of at least 0.1% is required to digest this food, brought to America by enterprising Geeks, who hail from the harsh environs of Wisconsin.

If a gyro is consumed by a sober person, or anytime other than the small hours of the morning, the victim will undergo very frightening hallucinations that he or she is sailing a small boat on Lake Michigan. Physical symptoms may include vomiting, twitching, and misquoting Oscar Wilde. The only known cure for this condition, acute gyritis, is a moderate beating with a limp eel.

It is a common misconception that a gyro is type of sandwich, but this has been disproven by numerous laboratory studies indicating that foods within the sandwich family are immune from the kind of time-of-day restrictions that the gyro exhibits. Also, calling a gyro a sandwich to its face will usually provoke the dish to fits of chlorinated rage.

Construction[edit]

Gyros are usually built on round pieces of bland, tough bread, which is, according to the Geek chefs that make it, a poor substitute for the badger hide that the dish was originally created with. The meat-like substance they contain is often rumored to be lamb, but is in fact created mainly from depleted uranium. While each establishment has its own twist, a gyro is usually served with euphemistically named "cucumber sauce,” which is a mixture of soy sauce, habanero peppers, and beaver saliva.

Origins and Early History[edit]

While the history of the gyro is constantly under debate, it is generally agreed that the first gyro was at least built, if not eaten, by Hector the Intimidated, a 5th century atheist monk. Hector was harassed and ridiculed by the other monks in the Lumpstank Monastery in Cranberry Shire because he was homosexual. It is not clear what prompted the monks to single out Hector, since they were all gay as well, but it is speculated that Hector may have been significantly less flamboyant in his sexuality. This proposition is based on a single reference in a manuscript dated to around 439 C.E. that seems to call him "Hector the Butch," though a few linguists have argued that "Ham sandwich on Rye" may be a more accurate translation.

Hectors creation of the gyro was actually a failed attempt at cold fusion, but the product that resulted was nonetheless useful. It was such a hit with Lumpstank monks that it caused them to become alcoholic insomniacs, since they realized that gyritis was very disruptive to their monastic life. This saved Hector from being ridiculed for most of the daylight hours, as the monks were hung over on an almost daily basis.

The Gyro Today[edit]

The unique properties of the gyro have resulted in its adoption as the weekend late-night food of choice for many college students in urban areas. The apparition of Geek cafes, or "gyro joints," next to popular bars has been observed to happen as rapidly as overnight. Such establishments often have cryptic names such as "Athens Cafe," or "Grecian Delight".