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hPhone 1.0

The hPhone was released by Apple Corp. in the 1940s. The predecessor of 2006's iPhone, it was one of the first combination phone/music player's ever created. Of course, it is still better thatn anything created by the asshats at apple nowadays.

1943 Release[edit]

In the wake of World War II, the American people were on the verge of riot. After Daniel's rise to power, America's troops were ready to pounce. Following the fallout of the portable paper megaphone and the out-dated portable record player, the U.S. army needed a new way to both communicate and entertain themselves. The U.S. government called on Apple for help. The hPhone was incredibly successful in attracting attention. Although there had been previously released phones with phonographs attatched, this would be the only phonograph with a phone attatched. The new hPhone was a hit. Not only could troops talk to their platoon while listening to big band arrangements, they could also listen to big band arrangements and talk to their platoon! On October 20th, hPhone was released to the public.

Initial Reaction[edit]

Few products have ever been hyped so much, yet fizzled down days afterwards. With the exception of Chocolate Coke and the gas-powered laptop, hPhone was the most rejected device on the market. In December, it was named one of People Magazine's least sexy inventions of the year, losing only to the Bro (or Mankini).

The Bro.

Many Problems with hPhone[edit]

Although the idea of hPhone seemed flawless, the product itself was not. There were many problems involving the accessibility and portability of hPhone. Though all of the reasons that hPhone failed are uncountable, here are the problems listed by People.

  • The mainframe is incredibly susceptible to viruses.
  • You cannot play recoerds in WMA format.
  • Text messages cost more than with other phones.
  • It only runs on Mac '42.
  • It does not carry Microsoft Word, Excel, or any other Microsoft product.
    • Neither does it include its own office software.
      • Nore does it run any past, present, or future software at all.
  • It only comes in black and white.
  • It only connects to the internet via dial-up.
  • The back-straps are sold separately and chafe the neck.
  • There is no enclosure over the record, which makes the records prone to skipping.
  • The maximum capacity is 0 gigabytes.
  • It will only run on the hTunes 3.0 edition phonograph.
  • It's so damn heavy.
  • Parental controls are in place at purchase. Only G-rated music is playable.
  • The power source is a hand-crank on the side which needs to be cranked constantly.
  • It reacts awkwardly towards black people, though it is not racist.

The End of hPhone[edit]

After innumerable riots and angry phonecalls, Apple decided to pull the hPhone. However, hPhones are still seen today on auction websites and in museums. The iPhone was later introduced in the same way, though it was much more portable. As Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone, once said: "This thing sucks."