Jürgen Habermas

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jürgen Habermas.

Jürgen Habermas (pronounced /Sorry what Habermas?/; German pronunciation: Das Habermas; born December 21st, 1929) is in fact Matt Damon in The Informant. Habermas is currently a spokesman for the Orange phone network, who have convinced him they can cure his colourblindness with bright happy fun things. Habermas is currently trying build a moat in Berlin due to a childhood fascination with running a ferry company and an entrenched belief that swimming is physically impossible. Orange are currently funding the project as "he is an amusing fellow when he gets these ideas."


In his youth Habermas decided to wage a one man war on the poetic use of language. Taken on by many failed neo-marxists and begrudged hippies - namely artistically challenged 'artists' - in 'save the world' academia. Habermas' approach to language is singlehandedly the most versatile tool to differentiate and atomise fun happy fast and exciting things and make them really slow, almost static, and really boring. According to Habermas we are all anti-semites but one day we won't be because toxic sludge will prevent us from being rational enough to screw each other over. Habermas' failed relationship with Theodor Adorno, it has been suggested, is the better rational argument as to how this idea arose. Central to Habermas' philosophy is a war with Freud in which prelinguistic expression can only amount to masturbation. Embarrassed by this eventuality, Habermas decided that he must prevent phone sex lines from being banned. Adorno, on the other hand, believed that phones were the devil and were in fact devices developed by the government to convince people they were talking to each other when really the end of the line was the subconcious. Bored with Germany, Habermas decided to invade France. The result was a mounted critique of America, whom had invaded Adorno's mind and turned him against his former lover.


Habermas' theory of communicative action rests on his firm belief that people cannot swim. Believing himself tricked at the age of 14 by an olympic swimmer, Habermas devised a theory of communication which rested on revealing the lies of said swimmer. A short lived love affair with renowned psi-warrior Theodor Adorno further reified this belief, but after a Adorno invented the fabled space dagger and invented time travel, Habermas decided that, like a shady crackhead, the fun had gone too far. At this point Habermas decided to protect the world from Adorno's shenanigans and built a spacetime moat under this firm belief that people can't swim. His work current is focused on proving that bridges are an illusion, and that attempting to build a bridge is a pipe dream and waste of resources.


John C. Lilly took significant issue with Habermas' fear of water after Adorno invaded his subconcious and built an alien settlement. Prior to his death Lilly wrote continually to Habermas trying to pursuade him to build his own flotation tank. Fabled French Philosopher/ Schizophrenic Gilles Deleuze failed in his attempt to show Habermas the light after Habermas thought he was trying to sleep with him. The battle continues in minds colonised by Adorno.