Haddon Heights, New Jersey

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Paved in Diamonds

Haddon Heights is a Borough in Camden County, New Jersey, United States. As of the United States 2000 Census, the borough population was 7,547.

Mad Magazine ranked Haddon Heights as the 98th best place to live in New Jersey in its 2008 rankings of the "Best Places To Live" in New Jersey.[Of course not!]


Haddon Heights sits at the top of Rolling Stone's "Number One Most Fucked Up Place on the Planet

Fight back the Hordes!

Earth" list. The village was established in 1905 after it seceded from Haddonfield, a town where lawyers and doctors can be assholes openly. Led by Archduke Franz Ferdinand and Genghis Khan, an army of some 25 million rebels fought against Haddonfield's 36 million Stormtrooper Army (later made into the movie Star Wars). Everyone died, but Haddon Height's Independence was secured. The two towns never ceased hating each other and many attempts were made to restore Haddon Heights to it's mother country (Russo-Japanese War, WWI, WWII, Korean War, Vietnam War, and Desert Storm). The entire Cold War was based on the Nuclear Proliferation race between the two. Due to the constant threat, Haddon Heights maintain and opperates a pair of cannons and small militia. At it's creation, it was considered to be the Utopia of it's time, but just as World War II ended, a concentration camp was found in the town boundries, thus blackening the town's forever name.


Soon after the revolution's end, the towns population would soar to a whopping 7800 people and by 1919 it had reached 7811! Unfortunately, it is mostly homosexuals (thus the creation of the concentration camp). Even though most of them were killed, their population bounced back like the trampolines they enjoy sadomizing each other on. It also has the largest homosexual/unwanted pokémon awareness parade in the Northern Hemesphere. In Haddon Heights, you're either Polish, Irish or a stupid Dego. The town also is home to the most infamous phoney politician on the face of the planet, Congressman Robert Andrews. In the congressman's most recent autobiography, Earagon, he states "Leading is saucy, sometimes spicy, and I certainly enjoy ribs". He was recently arrested for being gay.


The most notable natural feature in the Providence is Mount Doom. It has "gnarly slopes" for tabogganning. The second

Thats a lot of Shit!

most notable natural feature is the local Park. Originally a lake, it was drained because too much shit was being dumped in it from the local Kanine Pest, Clifford the Big Red Dog. Other then that, Haddon Heights is plain and stupid.


Haddon Heights has a very sophisticated plaza of shops on the Main St., Pandamonium Blvd. The street is paved with diamonds and the street lights are gold. The stores have a certain uniqueness about them. One sells dildos/tamagachis and another sells second rate coffee (Cool Beans). Why go the the supermarket when you can get all your groceries at John's Funk House. Calling John' cozy would be an understatement. It is 3' by 8' by 36"! There is also a Uncle Charlies Second Hand Gunshop. Haddon Heights is also proud to have the tallest building in NJ in it, a three story Barnes and Nobel.


In the park lies a rock, dedicated to some dead cops, Starsky and Hutch. On that rock, wash up performers come to play, like Lisa Loeb and REM. There are also fields, "for soccer, baseball, or whatever".

Sites of Intrest?[edit]

  • Ninja Turtles early spring house.
  • Old Folks Home/Crematorium.
  • Icelandic Abortions Inc.
  • Silph Co.
  • Auschwitz.
  • Munchkin Guild HQ.
  • Boeing's ROFLCOPTR dept.