Haile Selassie

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Haile Selassie preaching a message of hope to the world.

In 1947 Jon Fasler of Tupelo, Mississippi in the USA was smoking a type of joint known as the Mississippi Marrow in the back room of a laundrette when the cloud of dope smoke began oscillating with the strumming of his guitar. Playing standard blues chords, he sang words taught to him by his Grandmother, a woman who had been taken from Ethiopia half a century before. The smoke condensed into Haile Selassie, who assumed human form by the fourth joint. So the patron saint of cannabis was born.

The Wonder Years[edit]

After a brief brush with politics, Haile toured the US preaching the benefits of chillin'. Although he received wide support from his core supporters, public sympathizers such as Martin Luther King and Richard Nixon had mixed feelings about Haile's message, which whilst it advocated zero tolerance, also encouraged smoking massive quantities of cannabis. He was hailed as the Lion of Judah, although he was way beyond that in his own right.

The Leap Years[edit]

Several years passed which Haile spent, in his own words, "fuckin' mashed". Then, in 1973, while recovering from a particularly bad case of flares, he felt a calling to Ethiopia, the land whose very rhythm had summoned him into life. On reaching his homeland he married an infant child, changing his name to Haile Gabre-Selassie. Haile went on to become a world renowned long-distance runner and has largely renounced his previous chillin' philosophy, advocating daily 50 km runs and ice baths instead.

The Dark Years[edit]

Following this period of grace, Haile embarked upon a spiritual journey over the Tibetan mountains. Upon meeting a 'mystical sherpa,' who granted him three wishes after rubbing a zucchini placed in his cloak, Haile received a kilogram bag of black tar heroin. Unwise of the dangers of this potent opiate, he injected the entirety of his supply directly into his scrotum, thus beginning a new period of spiritual awakening. Haile's friends, however, became concerned for the emaciated and near-to-death body lying on their kitchen floor, and pondered what to do. Eventually it was agreed that he should be placed in a cupboard under the stairs of a house located in Little Whinging, Surrey.

Rastafari Time[edit]

It appeared that Haile Selassie's spiritual journey was over, but it was not to be, for, at some point in time, Benito Mussolini decided that it was time to take over the magical land of Ethiopia. Now, it was up to Selassie and his band of dystopian followers decided that it was time to create an entire religion dedicated solely to smoking dope and thinking Jesus was black. Enter Rastafarianism!!! However, Mussolini didn't like Haile Selassie's new spiritual movement, and took his supply of mari-jo-wanna away to a secret Nazi lair somewhere in Yugoslavia. Selassie now had nothing to live for, and once more, retreated to his cupboard.

The Final Years[edit]

Haile emerged from the cupboard upon his 11th birthday, entrusted with magical wizarding powers and a bizarre scar heretofore unknown to mankind. His powers allowed him to destroy the world, defeating the dark magician David Copperfield in the process, and settle down with his ex-lover for a period of seven centuries, content in a haze of disbelief and extremely fine ganja. After the glorious communist revolution, however, Comrade Mengistu decreed that, with the collectivisation of all agricultural produce, marijuana counted as a crop. Therefore, for hoarding his stash and not passing the blunt, mon, he was executed by being forced to listen to an endless loop of Britney (the Mickey Club Years), before his sacred messianic remains were buried beneath one of the toilets in his palace, seeing as they were the only thing that is clean enough to eat from in Ethiopia, and therefore the only place fit to bury a King/Emperor/Despotic Megalomaniac.