Hairy Porker

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Much of the action within the Hairy Porker tales revolve around Anullwarts.
Hairy Porker and equine "friend".

“Inyour Endo!!!!”

Hairy Porker is the primary character within a series of seven fantasy books created by British author I. M. Felching. The books chronicle the bawdy adventures of the adolescent wizard beginning with his life as a slave for his cruel and twisted Uncle and Aunt, and culminating in his standing up to his nemesis the Lord Godditzsore. I. M. Felching has stated that she was influenced by the works of Enid Blyton as well as her deep-seated hatred of children. Many view the series as bildungsromans, or coming of age novels, whilst others view them as a cheap way to embed lots of innuendo within books. This has met with some degree of controversy by those that oppose such things.

The tales are written in an essentially patronising, conservative manner, focusing on a dispiritingly nostalgic longing for a bygone age whilst at the same time maintaining a clever use of naughty words and grammar to make the author appear far more cleverer than he or she really is.

Books Within the Series[edit]

Hairy Porker and...

  • Officer Phil's Stones
  • the Dungeon Chamber of Secrets (and Lies)
  • the Prisoner in Alfie's Barn
  • the Cock Ring of Fire
  • the Order of the Dominatrix
  • the Half 'n' Half Prince
  • the Heafty Pillows [1]


Primary Characters[edit]

Hairy Porker Titular character, Hairy is a young boy who discovered that he has "special powers" whilst waving his magical wand. As a young boy Hairy was sent to live with his uncle where he is forced to sleep on a stained mattress under the stairs. It is here that he discovers his "gift". Hairy is sent to English Boarding school Anullwarts where a series of plot devices appropriated from common cliches allows for a number of quirky adventures. His parents James "Jammy" Porker and Sillian "Silly" Porker were taken by Lord Godditzsore shortly after his birth and Hairy is determined to gain revenge. Hairy Porker is commonly seen riding a unircorn dressed as a ninja princess with a large lollipop screaming "FOR THE MUFFINS!"
Ron 'Jeremy' Weasel Ginger-haired companion to Hairy Porker, Ron is always getting into sticky situations with his pal, frequently relying on Hermoanie to pull them out. Despite his initial reluctance Ron always has his friends back. His sister Gummy, along with twin brothers Sharky and George help out the three companions, the latter providing many useful devices needed in their adventures.
Hermoanie Groaner Teenage temptress famed for her skill with a wizard's staff, Hermoanie frequently finds herself coming between her two companions.
Gummy Weasel Gummy has quite a crush on Hairy, but for a long time he thinks she just sucks.
Lord Godditzsore (Tim Widdle)

Camp and effeminate Godditzsore was originally a much abused schoolboy by the name Tim Widdle, well known for doing tricks behind the railway station. Tim was orphaned as a baby so never knew his parents. This was probably for the best as his mother was the result of her parents being brother and sister and his father was a simpleton from a village in the arse end of England. Some time after leaving Anullwarts Tim set into practice his plan to create seven hoecrax for himself.

Teaching Staff[edit]

Pro Albi Bumminemore
Head Teacher at Anullwarts
Wizened old school Master who demonstrates a kindly disposition towards Hairy and his friends.
Pro Mineva (Swallows) McGargles
Deputy Mistress and head of Grippawhore House, McGargles remains a dab hand with a Wizard's staff despite her status as a GILF.
Pro Severe Snipe
Not just a former Cum-eater for Lord Godditzsore Snipe was his right hand on many occasions. When the rumour that the Dark Lord had gone down under an infant got around he sought solitude at Anullwarts.
Pro Fillyawiv Fatwick
Goblin Potions Teacher
Pro Sylabill Twolongie
Pro Quivverus Squirrel
Pro Dolorian Cumbridge
Representative of the Ministratory of Magic
Argos Feltch
School Caretaker
Short tempered character with an obsession with catching the smoking female students behind the Broom shed.

Additional Characters[edit]

Knobby the House Goblin'.
  • The Weasel Family, aside from those mentioned above also contains Sharky and George Weasel (twins named after Mr Weasel's favourite cartoon), Arfer and Muddy Weasel, Pervy Weasel, Billiam Weasel and Chavey Weasel.
  • The Malformed Family are made up of Jerkin Malformed, and his parents Lucily and Narcaleptic Malformed. Jerkin is a minor nemesis of Hairy, along with his two erstwhile companions Vindictiv Crabbs and Greygory Boils. Another character associated with them is Pob (a house elf for the Malformed family and Anullwarts).
  • Anullwarts contains a number of spirits including Moans-a-lot Myrtle (ghost of a former popular head girl who drowned during a watersports event at Anullwarts) and Sir Can-nearly-suck-off-his-own Dicholas Inflamed.
  • Rubius (Rubi for short) Murry Babbit (a hairy fat-arsed geordie biker)
  • A number of children appear as fellow students in his year at Anullwarts including the twins Popadom and Pashwari Patil, Never Lovebottom, Lijkta Lirvegud (for sure! she's from Amsterdam!) and young Irishman Seaman Fulligen.
  • Seriously Black (played by Snoop Dog in the movies, in which he chongs as he smoke copious amounts of weed but turns into a doberman as an animagi) is Hairy's kindly Uncle.
  • Lord Godditzsore has a number supporters including Peter Sweatypoo (also called Slugtongue as he drools a lot) who turns into a Rabbit with myxomatosis as an animagi, Professor Igo Krakwonov (former CumEater for Lord Godditzsore) and Betterbee LeStranger (French oral mistress always wears a trenchcoat and beret, Betterbee is also a former CumEater).
  • Reemer Loopin (called "Moony" as he used to show his arse out of the windows on the Anullwarts Express, Reemer is also a werefox ginger haired with a white bit on the end.)
  • A number of characters appear from the Ministratory of Magicks, including several OrrErrs (Nymphamaniac Twanks and Kingdong Shacklebolt) and Cornholio Fudgepacker (ministrator for the Ministratory of Magic).

Animal More-than-Familiars[edit]

  • Mr Borris (Argos's cat)
  • Thang (Babbit's Boarhound)
  • Hamshanks (Hermoanie's Pussy)
  • Heroll (Weasel family owl)
  • See Evil, Smell Evil, Bite Evil (Babbit's 3 headed dog)
  • Fawkes Yu (Bumminemore's Phoenix)
  • Twerp (babbit's half brother)
  • Headnitt (Hairy's owl)

Plot Overview[edit]

Slow-witted female students feature heavily in the Hairy Porker universe.
Many accused Ron's character of being wooden and stiff.

Hairy Porker and Officer Phil's Stones[edit]

The first novel in the series, Hairy Porker and Officer Phil's Stones, begins near Hairy's 11th birthday. Half-Giant/All Geordie Rubius Babbit reveals Hairy's history and introduces him to the wizarsing world. Hairy had been living in the cellar at his Uncle and Auntie's house in Croxteth. Vermin and Pertunia Deersleigh had kept a secret from Hairy and their only son Dubley. The secret was that Pertunia's Sister (aka Hairy's mum) had actually been a witch and James (aka Hairy's dad), long thought by Hairy as a criminal who died a horrific death, was actually a wizard. With this revelation came an invitation to attend Annulwarts. Over the following school year Hairy meets his closest bro's n ho's and is placed into the school's Grippawhore team house.

A plot is a foot to steal Officer Phil's stone (Phil has long since retired from "The Farce" and is currently 147 years old) and use it to grant everlasting life to Lord Godditsore. But who would do such a thing?... a) Professor Snipe, he looks like a complete bastard and it seems there was some bad shit between him and Hairy's dad. b) Professor Bumminemore, well he's well over a 100, could go anywhere in the school at anytime and he keeps rubbing his hands together and winking at Hairy. c) Babbit, he's a big fat waste of space Geordie who's usually drunk and could conceal an elephant in his trench coat. As the story unfolds the reader gets more intimate with Hairy's thoughts and the traits of the sub-characters. By the climax of the novel it appears that all the while the stuttering weasel of a man that is Pro Quivverus Squirrel is actually the one behind all the stealing of the stone thing (didn't see that one coming!) and Pro Squirrel reveals the secret that Lord Godditsore has penetrated him so deep that he would do anything to get him out. Officer Phil decides to destroy his stones, which he wasn't too happy about as it will mean his imminent death but Bumminemore had asked so that was alright, and thus stop a possible route to Lord Godditsore's re-erection!

Hairy Porker and the Dungeon Chamber of Secrets (and Lies)[edit]

The series continues with Hairy Porker and the Dungeon Chamber of Secrets (and Lies) describing Hairy's second year at Annulwarts. He and his friends Shaggy and Scooby Ron and Hermoanie investigate a 50-year-old mystery that appears tied to recent sinister events at the school. Well Ron's younger sister, Gummy Weasley, enrolls in her first year at Annulwarts, and brings with her a twat mag which turns out to be Voldemort's school-time tug rag when he was Tim Widdle. Ginny becomes possessed by urges to Widdle and goes to the ladies restroom inadvertently opening the "Dungeon Chamber of Secrets", unleashing an ancient one-eyed monster within which begins attacking students at Hogwarts.

The novel delves into the history of Annulwarts and rumour about the Chamber. Harry realises that some wizarses are prejudice and he learns that Voldemort's bitchiness was often aimed at wizards who were descended from Muddles. Harry is also shocked to learn that he can speak Partedtongue, the language of snakes (and, according to Native Americans, "the white man"). The novel ends after Harry saves the life of Ron's younger sister, Gummy, by destroying a Giant One-eyed Trouser Snake and the pornografic monthly in which Voldemort saved a piece of his "soul", (I've never heard it called that before) although Hairy doesn't know yet, I don't think he would have touched it if he knew. And he would have got away with it if it wasn't for these meddling kids.

Additional Plot Elements[edit]

Hoecrax of Lord Godditzsore[edit]

A key feature of the stories is the belief in and use of "magick" which is achieved mostly through individuals waving their "flesh wand" whilst incanting pseudo-archaic mumbo jumbo. The idea of putting a bit of yourself inside of an object in order to cheat death is introduced in the sixth novel under the term "whorcox" - (Hoecrax). The Hoecrax are receptacles into which a Dark Wizard has hidden a part of his bodily fluids for the purposes of attaining immortality. Lord Godditzsore, in seeking to protect himself placed his essence into seven magical devices, namely:

  1. Martin Gaunt's Cock Ring
  2. Tim Widdle's Diary
  3. Hilda Huggapuff's Butt Plug
  4. Ivana Slippintin's Bicycle Lock
  5. Rhonda Rakenclaw's Dildo
  6. Hairy Porker
  7. Fagini

Places of Interest[edit]

The main location in which the characters spend most of their time is Anullwarts (or Anullwarts School of Magic and Mystery for Spoilbitches and Wise-arses, to give it its full title). The body of the school is split into four seperate and autonomous "houses" each named after prestigious former schoolmasters and co-founders of Anullwarts, namely - Slippitin (named after Ivana Slippitin), Huggapuff, Grippawhore (named after Godsake Grippawhore) and Rakenclaw.

Other notable places include:

  • Taikitain Ally and Duitmanyou Ally: Accessible via a "secret entrance" known only to a few, Taikitain Alley is a special place that can only by tapping around a small hole in the wall. The entrance expands to reveal a widened passage into this magical of places.
  • No 13 Willow Way, Croxteth (the Deersleigh's residence)
  • Alfie's Barn (prison for magical type)
  • The Fat Tranny (painting hung over the entrance to Grippawhore's common room)


  1. filmed as two seperate movies "The Left One" and "The Right One"