Haley Joel Osment

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...And that is how you do a Pyramid Scheme.

Haley Joel Osment (born April 10, 1988), better known as "HJO" is an American actor best known for his role as Cole Sear in "The Sixth Sense". His weapon of choice is a giant key.


HJO was born in California from its governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was a straight A student in a school and gave up everything he had in his awesome life to 3 people hoping they would pay it forward to more people.[1] He thought this would help improve the world but instead it almost led the earth to the destruction of humanity, if it was not for Bruce Willis. What an idiot. He is the big brother of another celeb named Emily Osment famous for being Hannah Montana's pimp and sex slave.


Holy Shit

His career bagan in a Pizza Hut commercial about penis shaped penis sized pizzas (sizes ranged from Western penises to Asian penises). Directors saw this and saw how much potential he had. So he starred in his first movie, Forrest Gump, as Forrest Gumps son.

And then in 1999, Bruce Willis decided to forgive him for the near destruction of humanity and decided to work with him in a movie. He became a star after starring with him in the movie, The Sixth Sense, directed by the mysteriously twisted M. Night Shyamalan. He plays Cole Sear, a timid eight year old kid on drugs. Hallucinogens to be exact. The drugs make him see zombies who are visible only to him, the zombies not knowing they are zombies, acting like total human beings. Bruce Willis plays a psychiatrist named Malcolm who tries to help Cole not knowing he is a zombie also himself. Cole manages to get into rehab and Malcolm who was a zombie himself all along, ends up killing himself, after which he turns into a ghost. Tough luck. Cole however stops taking the hallucinogens and learns his lesson. Only take stimulants. After the movie was done, the cast and crew were going to thank M. Night Shyamalan, but M. Night Shyamalan had already mysteriously vanished into the night.

Then HJO did it again in Steven Spielberg's A.I. Artificial Intelligence. In here he is a robot who has feelings. He works with the Terminator and a gigolo played by Jude Law as they try to find the Blue Fairy from the story of Pinocchio. The story goes something like this. HJO plays David, a robot who can love. But his mother who adopted him and loves him just as much, has to abandon him in the jungle of Malaysia, near New Jersey, due to his weird behaviour. (He tried to rape & kill his adoption parents' actual son, and also did several sexual experiments on his adoption parents while they were asleep, all times with apathetic staring eyes.) Then he meets Gigolo Joe, a lustful pimp-bot who promises to help him find the Blue Fairy to make him a real boy. He succeeds but his mother still refuses to take him. This pisses him off and he hires the Terminator to hunt her and the rest of the family down and kill them. The mother and Gigolo Joe fall in love however, so Joe is now on the family's side. The mother and her family run away but soon the Terminator finds and kills them. Joe does not stand a chance against the Terminator, despite Joe's ability to shoot out supersonic cum. At some point there are enigmatically singing alien-like androids as well. There is a lot of violence and guns in this movie so it is not suitable for adults. Stanley Kubrick has a cameo in the movie.

Personal Life[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Haley Joel Osment.
  • He sees dead people, all the time, everywhere, and often smokes joints with them.
  • He is a drunk as well.
  • He cries about "growing hair down there."
  • Haley enjoys flying kites on the beach.
  • He likes to lube up his butt and stick blue crayons in his anus. Though in fact, any colour will do fine to him.
  • Although born in 1988, he has the peculiarity that he never grows older than 11. Therefore it has been speculated that he is a robot after all. Or maybe a cyborg of sorts. However, for several years now, he has somehow vanished into thin air.
  • He's pretty nice person
  • He has been on Jay Leno show in 2000
  • He looks cute when he was 11


Film Role Notes
Forrest Gump Forrest Gump, Jr.
Mixed Nuts Little Boy
Bogus Albert Franklin
Ransom of Red Penis Andy Dorset (TV movie)
The Sixth Sense Cole Sear Nominated – Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor
The Seventh Sense Cole Sear Nominated – Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor
The Eighth Sense Cole Sear Nominated – Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor
The Ninth Sense Cole Sear Nominated – Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor
The Last Fucking Sense Cole Sear Nominated – Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor
Not Really Making Any Sense Cole Goddamn Sear Won (finally) – Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor
I'll Remember Shit Peewee Clayton
Pay it forward through the ass, bitch Trevor McKinney
Pay It Forward with The Sixth Sense ...
AI: Artificial Intelligence David
ER: Emergency Room Some Random Kid
IDK: I Don't Know A Kid on Twitter
SARS: Severe acute respiratory syndrome Some Kid with SARS
SEHS: Sudden Exploding Head Syndrome Some Kid with SEHS
WTFF: What the Freaking Fuck Some Fucking Kid
I See Motherfucking Dead Snakes On this Motherfucking Plane Himself Starring Samuel L. Jackson
Return of Bruce Willis Cole Sear
The Hunchback of Notre Dame II Zephyr Voice
Secondass Lions Walter
The Jungle Bear 2 Mowgli Voice
Home of the Giant Robert "Gar" Gartland Completed
You Talkin' to Me? That cute poor troubled lil kid once again
The movie of paying it forward through the ass bitch. Featuring Haley Joel osment Himself Special, will take 19.7 years to film
I'm too small 19th assistant director, Group D Filming
Family Guy Various, 172 roles Gained 160 million, VOICE ONLY

The world famous "I see dead people" scene[edit]

A scene from The Sixth Sense. This is how it goes.

Cole:I see dead people.

Malcolm:What do they look like?

Cole:The dead people from Resident Evil.

Malcolm:When do you see them?

Cole:In bed. Waiting for me!



Samuel:I've had it with these motherfuckin' dead people in this motherfuckin house!

Cole:What the fuck?

See also[edit]