Half-Life

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Half-Life
Gordon freeman SP1.JPG
Developer(s) Steve Ballmer
Publisher(s) Geeks with abandonment issues
Engine Gasoline
Release date(s) Everytime they upgrade Alyx Vance's ass
Genre(s) Porn
Mode(s) Undress Alyx, Rape Alyx, Screw Alyx
Rating(s) Only for people with no life at all.
Platform(s) Wordstar
Media(s) VHS
System Requirements Intel 8086 processor, 1KB RAM
Input Alyx Vance's wee wee hole

Half-Life, A.K.A "Guys with Only Half a Life Whacking Other Guys with Crowbars" ( Japanese:Harofu-Raifu Arigato Gozaimas Baka Yaro: Ookii Chinpo o Kaeru) is a popular series of award-winning pornographic films following the journey of a Bad-Ass physicist called Gordon Freeman that beats the hell out of alien invaders till they side with the human race and become hippies. Gordon graduated from MIT with a major in button pressing and plug studies and a minor in theoretical physics(Or does he !?!?!?!) and lever pulling. Also, he doesn't speak but is somehow scoring with the totally hot chick Alyx Vance who is 10 years (actually 20 years) younger than him(or is she!?!?!?).

The first game takes place on area 51 a secret research lab on New Mejico. There you will find thousands upon thousands of illegal immigrants held in the facility because they are attempting to jump through the U.S. border. Then on Half-Life 2 Gordon goes back there, take the Mexicans, load them in a truck and set them loose in the land of the free (which isn't quite free since they have to work for less and buy expensive stuff!). They head for a so called Black Table research facility where the Mexicans changed table for mesa because they can't speak straight English. Then Gordon decides to go with some Mexicans to Tijuana to get some illegal guns and shit. Plus the fact that he's actually hiding from the INS because he smuggled half the population of Mexico into the United States.

After taking a time off in Tijuana, Mexico, Gordon comes back to Black Mesa together with a group of black gangsta's which Gordon named Da Black Mezzza Posse (they changed Mesa to Mezzza in order to give it street cred). Together they sell drugs, smoke PCP and shit and kill all of the Jocks and Preppies that turned into zombies. Gordon together with "Da Black Mezzza Posse" are often compared to D12. Well, they are pretty much the same - a punkass kraka wreaking havoc with his nigga krew. The only difference is unlike Eminem, Gordon does not have an annoying voice. And Eminem can't fire a gun for shit.

In Black Mesa, Gordon meets several muthafuckas that help him and Da Posse do some weird stuff and shit. He met Barney Calhoun, who was dressed in a shit-ass purple dinosaur outfit with an RPG7. Barney helped the Krew get some PCP and crack to help them fight the mothafuckin zombie Preps and Jocks. Gordon also met Alyx Vance, a fly-ass hot biatch who looks like a black Halle Berry (shut up foo Halle Berry is white). And lastly he also met the G-Man, whom he later found out that dis mothafucka had a sexually transmitted disease and G stands for Gonorrhoea.

All in all, it's pretty much like Columbine but without the pipe bombs.

It's one of the most Scientific videogames dealing with stuff such as physics, mathematical formulas and equations ( ) and also theoretically possible guns, like a Crowbar. However, this game does not teach you how to score with chicks and get you laid.

One thing about Half-Life is that it has great graphics that look very realistic.

Gameplay[edit]

Da Black Mezzza Posse dat took care of da zombies and shit afta da punakss kraka Gordon fucked up der crib. Blak Mezza reprezent biatch!!!!

The gameplay in Half life consists of:

  • Single Player: The single player, where the adventure of puzzle solving and exploring with some shooting here and there takes place. Obviously the scientific plot too. The highlight of the game is attempting to score with Alyx Vance. But since you are the non-screaming nerd that you are, you will tend to overlook the chance of having hot sex with a virtual hottie because you're too busy with all of the scientific shit.
  • Multiplayer: You can skip all that and go straight into the multiplayer (or just Counter Strike) to pwn noobs. Oh yeah, this is the shiznit. No scientific crap, no plot, no thinking. Just spawn and shoot your way out or better yet, just camp and camp till the game is over and the noobs die from falling in your trap. Or throw them goddam snarks against your opponent's ass.
  • Modding: Yes, many people only play this game by creating mods, making videos and misc and messing around with stuff. You can't play this game if you are a 40 year old jobless geek living in your mother's basement.

Half-Life and Physics[edit]

Albert Einstein on the Half Life package cover as a depiction of the game's advanced physics and shit.

Half-Life is known for using a modified apocalypse engine called Havok that mimics real life physics by making stuff like having internal organs on characters and a chick called Alyx Vance to have separate physics for each boob. Speaking of that chick, isn't that bitch hot? Sometimes I just don't play the game and spend my time spanking my little pogo stick. Ohmic, yeah Alyx, I'm sooty naughty! I blew up Black Mesa and I need to get punished! Hohhot.......wait! I'm going out of topic here.

Also there is this gun called Physics Gun that allows you to control physics. This will enable you to control the forces that hold Alyx Vance's clothing and rip them apart in a single shot. Just make sure that the door to your room is locked so that your mother cannot barge in and see the abomination that you are doing in front of your monitor.

Now on the later iteration of the games a new Portal gun will be introduced allowing players to jump time and space but at the same time abiding the laws of physics. This will also enable you to jump Alyx Vance in a dark alley and forcibly take her chastity away from her while screaming "Who's ho' dadday now baitch???".

It is also believed that within the Half life physics lies the key to an old physics issue called the unified theory of physics [1]. Which is a joke. Well who gives a shit anyway.

Half-Life mods[edit]

The mods (or game creators wannabes) are prominent in Half-life thanks to the Source engine SDK and some hermit mod called the G-mod, in honor of the G-man. Though one of them Counter Strike is the most popular PC FPS multiplayer because some dude thought it was cool to make another Multiplayer out of Half life and trick the nerds into buying this shit thus ripping their lunch money. People also like to make videos on random stuff they can make with the mods, which further proves that they simply have no life at all.

Thanks to the game's great physics and easy to use G-mod, the Half life mods are believed to be a great example of a Rube Goldberg machine - whatever the fuck that means.

Different Versions[edit]

Typical player reaction to being swallowed alive by a headcrab. Happens more than you think.

Each Half Life game spawns several different versions, and or expansion packs most likely to milk the consumer or because the devs. weren't smart enough to add it at first.

Half Life 1:[edit]

  • Oppressing Force: Where you play as one of the bad guys, likely a goon. This game reeked like shit on an ashpalt road in the middle of the afternoon in Wyoming and nobody even bothered to install it. Though the sentry gun is cool, and this is the only game where you can play dead and suddenly stab your opponent in the nape when they turn their back on you. Also, you can wield a tentacle.
  • Blue Shit: Where you play as one of the somewhat helpful but disposable police/guards of the research facility.
  • Defecate: This is a PS2 version of the game but it's so crap you shouldn't know about, it's about 2 ugly chicks that think they're cool.

Half Life 2:[edit]

All the Episodes plus some beach thing and a death match. And Alyx Vance's ass and boobs are more detailed and more jiggly whenever she runs. Plus she can now get on her hands and knees and say "I've been a really bad girl".

Critical Reception[edit]

After Gordon blew up Black Mesa, Alyx is shown here attempting to blow something too. That's right baby come to Daddy and blow his candle!

PC fanboys and nerds praised the games for it's technical achievements most of which casual players don't notice. Casual players don't notice this because they are too busy scoring with their girlfriends, aside from having an actual life and great job with a decent salary. And Game sites reviews gave the games countless game of the year awards and high scores.

Also the FPS gamer community praised it for not being a run and gun like the rest and making you do puzzle and stuff - like Rubik's Cube and Hungry Hungry Hippos. Some even call it the most revolutionary thing to happen on FPS since Doom. Revolutionary meaning upgrading your "nerd" status to "officially-i-have-no-life-and-the-only-thing-left-to-do-is-to-die" status.

The drawback here is that the chick Alyx Vance - her ass will keep you playing the game until you are completely obsessed with her and prevent you from going out on a Friday night and actually scoring with a real live chick. Next thing you know is that you are already 50 years old and the callous on your right hand is so thick because of your daily session of whacking your grasepole. The good thing about this game is that this is the only game that is not dominated by Koreans.

The games are well received by people that don't have much money for PC parts (or that refuse to upgrade their PC) because the games' requirements are quite low. This is ideal for dirt poor people living in the ghetto or to hobos and beggars.

Episodic Release[edit]

For some reason Valve decided to make the sequel into episodic format to release the games fast, even though it took a year and so to release Episode 1; and Episode 2 has been Pushed like 2 or 3 times. Also Episode 3 is supposed to come out on Christmas 2007 (LMAO, yea right).

Basically there's nothing to look forward to. All of their releases are the same. Just like all of the Star Wars Episodes.

The best thing to do is save your lunch money in a piggy bank and after a year or so, buy a keg of beer and throw a kick ass party in your house when your folks are out of town.

The G-Man[edit]

This is classified info. The following is an excerpt from one of the classified documents we got from a reliable source. All important information has been edited out with a standard CIA black highlighter similar to those fake Roswell UFO crash papers and crap. So shut up and read the freaking article:

I'm the G Man bitch!!!.

Physically, the G-Man appears to be a jackass with a rare case of autism, very pale balls, extremely dark brown pubic hair shaped in an somewhat peculiar piss hole. He bears some resemblance to, . . . well he is Christopher Walken. Throughout the entire Half-Life series, he is dressed in a gay-ass suit, sports the logo of the Black Niggards Foundation for the White Supremacist Dudes of the Nu Kludge Klan. He speaks in a William Shatner manner, stressing the wrong parts of his ass, making spitipipooopooo, and awkwardly jacking off, sometimes in the middle of a word. It is common for the G-Man to crap in his pants. Some of his armpit hair are spoken with a very slight gay accent, but due to the gayness in which he speaks, most of his underwear are pronounced in a thong style, no shit!.

This homosexual manner of masturbation, along with his gay tendencies, is reminiscent of the behavior of the fab 5 from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. This allusion is almost subjugationablesticallyful. His manner of speech, with misplaced testicles and sudden rapid fisting, is also reminiscent of that of the gay dudes from Texas, of the United States of Gayness. The G-Man has Gonorrhoea!!! The ho Granyy was born in South Park. The 'G' in Gman stands for 'Gay' Which is the reason he stalks Freeman And Shepard for sexual gratification.

Trivia[edit]


Barney Calhoun is shown here under the influence of PCP and carrying his favorite toy - the RPG7.
  • It is said that The Half-Life logo (λ) is a mathematical equation symbol the developers coined while creating the game's formula. Actually, it is taken from the name of the Fraternity in the movie Revenge of the Nerds (ΛΛΛ), because the developers are geeks themselves. Especially the lead designer Gabe Newell who is a fat ass.
  • It is also said that the game's name "Half-Life" was taken from a scientific term that originated in the study of exponential radioactive decay. Actually, its about the lifestyle of the geeks that play the game: they simply have no life at all. The game encourages them to at least "get half a life".
  • The Half Life theme song is So Cold by the nerd band Breaking Benjamin. The song was interpreted by the G man in the music video[2].
  • The G man, following his music video acting prowess appeared in Fat Boy Slim's video "Weapon of Choice"[3], and did a kick-ass dance and some weird flying shit. This video launched its debut on primetime and it scared the living crap out of little children. It also caused a lot of miscarriages around the world.
  • Quentin Tarantino (who is said to be a fanboy of the series) declared that he wanted to ruin the plot make a movie of it but Valve refused because Quentin picked Michael Moore to play the role of Gordon.
  • Charlie Sheen later filed a law suit against Gordon Freeman for ripping off the plot of the movie The Arrival. Gordon Freeman contested that while the plots of both Half-Life and The Arrival dealt with Mexican Aliens trying to destroy the Earth, The Arrival lacked millions of crates stacked on each other thus making Half-Life a better product. The courts ruled in favor of Mr. Sheen since the judge doesn't like plumbers, not to mention Charlie Sheen had a more realistic HEV suit.
  • There was never a half life movie because producers feared that no matter who they cast as Gordon, they would receive emails such as "omg u bunch of n00bs get a half-life" and "omg like you so chose the wrong actor cos you aint 1337 like me".

See Also[edit]

The games of Valve
Half-Life
Half-Life · Half-Life 2 · Gordon Freeman · Alyx Vance · G-Man · Gordon Frohman · Combine Soldier
Portal
Portal · Portal 2 · Film · GLaDOS
Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead · Left 4 Dead 2