Halloween (film series)

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Hallowen (1978) DVD cover art.
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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Halloween (film series).


The Halloween Series is a wildly popular series of horror films revolving around the holiday Christmas, the small town of Haddonfield, IL, and a serial killer/mass murderer named Michael Myers. The story was created by fellow serial killer/mass murderer John Carpenter and has been hailed, praised, damned, condemned, ignored, honored, and otherwise noticed by the general public.

Films[edit]

Halloween[edit]

Main article:Halloween (film)

The movie that started it all. It was released in 1978. Michael Myers kills his second cousin, twice removed, and is sent to Dr. Seuss-Oscar Wilde Sanitarium. Fifteen years later, upon his 21st birthday, he is to stand trial for the murder, but he escapes by taking off in Dr. Loomis' DeLorean time machine and heading back to Haddonfield. First he kills Annie Brackett, then Steve Urkel, then Lynda, and by the time he gets to Laurie Strode, Loomis shoots Michael six times and leaves him for dead.

Cast[edit]

Halloween II[edit]

Main article: Halloween II

Michael follows Laurie to the hospital where he gets lazy and starts watching TV. He falls asleep and then Loomis sets the hospital on fire,making it asplode, killing everyone inside... Except for Michael.

Cast[edit]

Halloween III: The return of michael myers[edit]

Main article: Halloween III: The Nap of Michael Myers

Has nothing to do with Michael Myers, so let's just skip it.

Halloween 4: Michael Myers Is Done Napping[edit]

Main article: Halloween 4: Michael Myers Is Done Napping

Michael wakes up from his decade-long nap to find out that this little girl is trying to sell girl scout cookies; Michael loves cookies. She turns out to be Laurie's seven-year-old daughter, Jamie Lloyd. Laurie Strode and her husband, Christopher Lloyd, mysteriously vanished without a trace. Once again, Loomis stops Michael and leaves him for dead. But the dude just won't die!

Cast[edit]

Halloween 5: The Search For More Money[edit]

Main article: Halloween 5: The Search For More Money

A lame Halloween/Star Trek crossover. Kirk, kills, Michael Myers, once and for all. The, end. The film had very little plot but enough Star Trek and Halloween fans saw it for it to be the Number One movie of 1989.

Cast[edit]

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers[edit]

Main article: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers

Few people saw this 1995 installment, but it is revealed that Michael Myers is possessed by Barney and the Teletubbies, who are telling him to kill his bloodline and he himself will die once the rest of his family has. The film was released direct-to-video outside of North America. This film also marked the final appearance of Vincent Price as Dr. Loomis, as he died during the filming. Then the editors sliced and diced the film to pieces to minimize Loomis and prevent him from appearing in the next film.

Cast[edit]

Halloween: H20[edit]

Main article: Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later

Taking place twenty years after the original Halloween, Halloween H20 focuses on Michael Myers going to the store to buy a bottle of water, where he runs into Laurie, who faked her death years earlier. He doesn't kill anybody in this film aside from customers who are taking too long at checkout. It was the highest at the box office in 1998 and won a few Academy Awards, including Best Picture and Best Original Song for Celine Dion's "My Knife Will Go On."

Cast[edit]

Halloween: Resurrection[edit]

Main article: Halloween: Resurrection

Another Halloween film that is not worth documenting. This film is a 120-minute episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway.

Cast[edit]

Halloween Remake[edit]

Main article: Halloween (2007 film)

It was announced that Rob Zombie would helm the next Halloween movie, which would be a remake. Rob Zombie was then let go in favor of Liza Minelli, who was fired herself, only to be replaced once again by Zombie. The film was released on August 31, 2007.

Did You Know...

Santa WANTS you to pout during Halloween, only with your muscle energy can he get sooooo POed that he has the rage to "take care of" the Halloween putzes (named after the popular 1830s band) which steal your ice cream and make it into pudding!

Halloween sucks A**.

Halloween was popularized by Mickey Mouse and his band's song Halloween Cheese, a failure after which Mickey bacame a drunk and went on a shooting rampage at an ice cream factory.

Halloween sucks serious A**. Really! I'm NOT joking, (modest wink, wink). See proof:

H = 5X4^7+34-73 = sucks serious A**

Remember the equation, it could be on your quiz tomorrow.

Halloween is not real; you are in the Matrix; and Agent Smith is coming for you. (supenseful music plays)

Just kidding, Halloween is real, and that putz from the movie is about to steal your refrigerator, with all its free ketchup, mayonnaise, and butter packages. Catch him if you can!

How to take care of Halloween putz, illegitimate son of the king of New York Duchy and thus heir to his throne:

1. Take fiery razor or knife, swiss knife, cafeteria knife, butter, KFC chicken, large book, cocaine (see Eric Clapton for further elaboration), needles, water balloons, copper pipes, kryptonite, radioactive uranium, some old CDs, string, David Bowie or Queen knife, steak knife, USB cable, lamp, and some old cabbage.

2. Heat the aforementioned metals ONLY.

3. Shove aforementioned articles up his @**. Be sure to shove it with as much force as possible (force = mass X acceleration). You gotta shove it up hard, reeeeal hard. I'll wait. (Jeopardy theme song.) (Jeopardy theme song ends.) Yup, I think that will do it. Make sure final article is at least 20.36747364375874857475834856174554123 centimeters up the you know what.

Thank you, thank you very much; elves have entered the building and cast a spell on your TV, making it see the ring movie (you know, the dumb well movie with the ring dude) instead of saw, to "take care of the ring dude," just add water and some Barbara Streisand songs, this is the antimatter for the ring dude and aforementioned ring dude will disintegrate into nothingness, or Nirvana. By the way, did you hear about the Nirvana baby turning 2000 or something? I'm outie. (Nirvana plays as I go outie).

(Nirvana stops abruptly) Note this is the way to stop Saw (present King of New York duchy) also. Come to think of it, it might be the way to stop ANY bad guys; hey, try it on the ring dude! (Hair of the Dog plays as I really go outie).

(Hair of the Dog stops as I suddenly come back.) Just joking. (Hair of the Dog plays as I go outie.)


Halloween Remake, Part II[edit]

Main article: Halloween II (2009 film)

Dissatisfied with the few shreds of fidelity to the original classic that managed to weave themselves into his remake, Rob Zombie reimagined his reimagining, taking cues from Blade Runner and any given Tim Burton film. The movie has at least 3 cuts, but few people have bothered to see any of them, thus provoking the producers to can Zombie (not to be confused with Canned Zombie, which is a delightful treat) and plan a new 3D film without him.

External links[edit]