Ham sandwich

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“A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ham Sandwiches

“Ham is the first of all pleasures.”

Ham sandwiches are the best fucking invention, ever, and that's a scientific fact. There isn't any evidence to back that up or anything, but it's a fact.


  • 2 slices Hovis™ Invisible Crust bread
  • some Lurpak™ Spreadable imitation butter
  • 1 big sharp knife
  • any kind of regular sliced ham (doesn't fucking matter)
  • salted crisps


Right, what you do is you get two slices of bread - I like Hovis Invisible Crust best - and some butter, good old Lurpak Spreadable. Get a knife, not a sharp one, mind, and stab it into the butter. Now draw it slowly towards yourself, so that the butter collects on the knife, and spread that butter onto the bread like your sister spreads her legs. After one side of each slice of bread is covered in butter, it's time to add the ham. Oh boy, this is where the fun starts.

Get the ham out of the fridge, or, if your fridge packed in because of the hot weather like mine, get it out of the little Tupperware™ thing in the cool-box. Any kind of ham is fine. Personally I like Sainsbury's, but don't bother with that "Taste the Difference" pish. It costs a bomb and isn't very good. Just get the regular stuff. If you're American, get some HEB Wafer Thin stuff cos it's tha bomb-diggety. If you're not in a state that has HEB in it, well you're on your own, just don't buy that Wal-Mart stuff because it gives you cancer and Wal-Mart is owned by terrorists. If you're in Australia... I dunno, I've never been to Australia. Anyway, right, get the ham out the fridge. If you're opening it for the first time, you might need to stab a sharp knife into the packaging to get the fucker open. They give you a little bit of plastic to pull on, telling you that will open the packet, but it's a lie, man, they're just messing with your head. Thing is, they don't want you to eat that delicious ham, they want to keep it for themselves. But you'll show them. Stab that package with a knife, the bigger the better. Stab it right there in the fucking plastic.

So anyway, yeah, oh and it's gotta be sliced ham. I mean this is the 21st century. We didn't go through evolution just to slice meat ourselves. If you bought a whole ham, what the hell were you thinking man, get with the program. So you've got the ham open in your hand, glistening and teasing you with a thousand promises of a one-way ticket to flavour country. What are you waiting for dude, get that ham onto the bread! When one slice of buttered bread is covered with ham on the buttered side, you are ready to perform the "Bodorovsky Maneuver" (patent pending). It's easy enough, just pick up the empty slice and put it butter-side down onto that freshly exposed ham.

Serving suggestions[edit]

You're almost down its pretty sad that u idiots have to come on to this website to get a recipie for a ham sandwich !!. Now cut your sandwich up how you like it. Some people like squares, some like triangles. I'm not here to judge man, I swing both ways myself. But triangles taste better. Now put the sandwich shapes on a plate, serve with a packet of ready salted crisps and a can of juice, and go back to watching daytime TV. Bada-bing boyo, you are eating the snack of kings.

Serves 1.

See also[edit]