Hamburgler

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The Hamburgler leaving one of his robberies gone wrong, usually the mere mention of his name is enough to frighten Ronald, but occasionally force is needed.

The Hamburglar[edit]

No one is sure where this mysterious striped crusader came from but his life made an amazing turn around after his religious conversion and he decided to dedicate his life to one purpose: to get all of the innocent young hamburgers away from the clutches of the innocent meat, bread, and cheese loving Ronald McDonald. We are sure that he takes them to a wildlife farm and lets them roam free in the wild, as they were meant to. While we can’t be sure that this seemingly funny and innocent, oddly dressed escaped prisoner, is totally reformed, we can be happy that he has found his joy and purpose, but some are concerned of why several young burgers go missing every week and why a check from The Burger King arrives later that week for “Services Rendered”.

Crime Spree[edit]

After escaping jail in a rather ingenious fashion, involving walking out the unlocked door, he formed a gang filled with many other notorious criminals including George Foreman, Steven Craig Smith, Robin Williams during his dark days, and of course Oscar “The Pimp” Wilde. This gang was particularly feared by all the five year olds that played on the plastic structures in McDonalds.

They targeted many dry-cleaning stores, neighborhood skating rinks and college bookstores. This would of course lead to Wilde leaving the group in search of a gang that would be after his ultimate goal of world domination. At this schism Robin left, to be replaced by Birdie and when Smith was gunned down by a plastic toy wielding toddler, The Hamburgler had no choice but to recruit the most feared criminals in all the land Fry Guy and Fry Girl.

With his lieutenant, Foreman, taking care of everyday business, Hamburgler was free to focus on the more complex things, like try to figure out how those damn mall signs always knew where you were and how they got those crazy awesome ships in the freakishly small bottle. The gang feeling betrayed by the lack of attention, deserted, leaving The Hamburgler with a choice: to start once again, or go solo.

Unsurprisingly, he did neither. He went to Nepal.

Religion[edit]

The Hamburgler actually went to Nepal to train with blind and/or deaf monks in order to become one with his telekinetic powers, but after realizing that path would involve work he said "screw it", and decided to go onto a mountain and masturbate. Up on this particular mountain, doing what he was planning to do, were three people, Jesus, The Man and Scott, a small pathetic virgin. Jesus and The Man took him aside and taught him the fine arts of the ninja by showing him how to dispose of Simon. Trained with numerous ways to kill a man, The Hamburgler went back to the monastery full of monks that had hurt him and humiliated him and had tea.

This prompted a change in the Hamburgler and he returned to New Atlantis and started teaching the natives the way of Ceylon and India, he taught them the secret of life and then left after impregnating all of the native mannequins, a hunger that was the only link between him and his true father.