Hammer Head Shark

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Hammer and his buddies posing for the camera before his first mating attempt. Hammer came back from that attempt unbearably misshapen. Notice how his mouth curls in a smile from within his suit.

Hammer Head Shark is an aquatic researcher working for "Ballers" an aquatic research facility founded by Hammer himself. Shark has been in charge of many discoveries as of late such as masturbation and the hammerhead "Shark" suit. Hammer's name is unquestionably the most famous name of all aquatic researchers. Sharks' main focus of research was interspecies relations. Shark’s infamous shark suit is one of the products of the research into this field of study. Shark is the first man to successfully mate with a shark. It is believed that the product of that mating was the new species of shark, the Hammerhead shark, which now plagues our oceans.

Early Life[edit]


Hammer's door that he was born on being reused by two men door-pooling to work.

Hammer was born on a sea faring vessel in the middle of the ocean. His family was a group of American tourists who had become stuck in Cuba when they lost their passports. In order to get back to the USA the couple used the ancient Cuban technique of door floating to get home. Upon there way a shark attacked the door mistaking it for a surfer.

Hammer always had an affinity for water, and an interview with him after his heroic actions upon his door proved this.

Hammer, a newborn, was the only one to stop the shark attack. Hammer picked up his newborn body and slammed his head down with all his might onto the shark. Upon witnessing this comedic event, which caused the shark no physical pain, the shark swiftly began to giggle and drowned. Thus the name Hammer Head Shark was given to the baby who saved the lives of the 20,000 people on that door.


As he grew Hammer was noticeably more aggressive than the other children. He enjoyed rough-housing with the other toddlers who didn’t quite want to do the same. While Hammer wanted to wrestle his playmates, all they wanted was to play House. They soon learned that when Hammer wanted something, Hammer got it.

Hammer quickly became the alpha male of the Happy Party Club and Spa Day Care Center. He would take food from the other children whenever he felt like and would also ravage the women as he felt necessary. Soon the male overseer of the daycare center, Mike Rotch, became aware of Hammer’s actions. Rotch was furious and began to reprimand the toddler. He quickly received Hammer's trade mark move, a "Hammer Time Head Butt", to the face and was never heard from again. Hammer's favorite show as a child was "Street Sharks"

Hammer Time Head Butt[edit]

An artist's rendition of the "Hammer Time Head Butt." Anyone who’s witnessed a Hammer Time Head Butt by Hammer say this picture barely grasps the concept.

Hammer grew up and trademarked a move he called the "Hammer Time Head Butt." This was a powerful self defense technique that he developed as a newborn upon the floating door that carried him to the United States. Although many critics claim that Hammer's "technique" is just a normal head butt Hammer used it day in and day out in order to defeat his foes and advance his research. Usually when using the technique Hammer would be seen yelling "HAMMER TIME!!!!" until MC Hammer's song "Can't touch this" Came out in which he sued MC Hammer for copyright infringement. The lawsuit ended in failure for Hammer Shark. He was forced to release his claims on the phrase "Hammer Time." The reasoning’s of the judges were that MC Hammer used the phrase in a much cooler manner and therefore should have intellectual rights over the phrase.

Famous Times the "Hammer Time Head Butt" technique was used:[edit]

  • The first sitting of the Hammer Time Head Butt, even before it was trademarked to his name, Hammer used it to defeat the shark that attacked his families floating door.
  • According to his mother, Hammer would use this technique on her whenever he wanted to be breast fed. Rather than whine like the other babies, Hammer took control of the situation and HTHBd his mother into an unconscious state and then proceeded to fulfillment.
    • In order wean him off breast milk, Hammer's mother hid in bomb shelter for 6 weeks.
  • Used against his pre-school teacher/day care supervisor.
  • How do you think he passed his elementary classes?
  • The only class that Hammer did not pass because he HTHBd the teacher was marine biology in high school. Hammer actually excelled in this field and because of this he knew without a reasonable doubt that he was destined to be an aquatic researcher.
  • Etc.,

College Years[edit]

Hammer Head Shark majored in Marine Biology in College. He attended Cornell University and passed at the top of his class. His final words to the president of the school were, "Jawesome." Being a socially inept child left Hammer with very few friends. It is known that during this period of time Hammer made the world's first discovery of masturbation. He published his college thesis on the technique and handling of the system and to this day there is no discovery that has affected the males of the world so profoundly.

Adult Years[edit]

The "Ballers" Company logo.

Hammer H. Shark started working at the institute of aquatic life (IAL)on his graduation from College. Although he was working in the line of work that he had dreamed of he was stuck filing papers behind a desk all day. Hammer quickly abandoned his job with the IAL and started his own company called "Ballers." The company started off on shaky ground but soon grew into a multi-million dollar company by the new millennium.

Hammer was extremely pleased with his research company and began to pursue his greatest dream. Hammer dreamed of a day when interspecies sex would be possible. He was scoffed at by the intellectual community and many believe that this strange fetish he had is what caused his company to not become a billion dollar company. Hammer ignored the remarks and began working on a suit that would allow him to swim along with the sharks. His prototype, seen far top, was designed with Hammer's company symbol in mind. the Shark was given a "Hammer" head in order to make it unique. Again, the intellectual community scoffed at Hammer for they believed his design would rather scare the sharks then get them to mate with him. Hammer proved the wrong however with the final testing and researching complete on his Shark Suit.

On January 21, 2001 Hammer brought his suit to the Jersey Shore line and climbed into it. Along with him were three men: Hammer's brother George Shark and two of Hammer's best friends and co-presidents of "Ballers" William McKarckly and John Q. Adans. The three men launched the suit into the waves after Hammer climbed in. It is not totally known what happened out on the water but it is known that Hammer attempted to mate with a shark and succeeded, launching the scientific community into a frenzy. What type of shark that Hammer tried to mate with is unknown but the product of this courtship was what we know today as the Hammer Head Shark.

Hammer returned from the experience dismembered and barely able to function the shark suit. He was rushed to the hospital where he underwent 27 correctional surgeries, all of which have not brought him back to the state at which he was on departure for his tests. When questioned on the matter Hammer said, "I would've gone out and done it even if I had known I would come back with only a heart and a brain if I thought I could successfully mate with a shark. Hammer died 3 months later on April 13, 2001 from his wounds.

The first Hammer Head shark was caught on May 21, 2001. Hammer never saw the shark and never knew of his successful breeding.