Han Solo

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Han Solo, in his prime.
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“An expeditious ship? Hast thou not heard tell of the Millennium Falcon? It is the ship that consummated the Chesapeake Run in lacking of twelve diurnal courses!”

~ Han Solo on The Millennium Falcon

“I have eschewed Royal vessels; not merely municipal customs galleys, keep thee in mind. I speak now of the commodious British Warships-of-the-line. She is sufficiently mercurial for thee, thou aged fellow!”

~ Han Solo on The Millennium Falcon

“Voyaging through the Potomac is not quite like spraying crops with fertilizers, lad! In the absence of meticulous navigation we might plunge right into a waterfall or steer ever so near to sea mines. 'Twould halt thy jaunt rather hastily, would it not?!”

~ Han Solo on piloting The Millennium Falcon

“I have no idea, I thought you were asking about masterbation!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Han Solo

“I always get mistaken for wearing a hat! ”

~ Han Solo about being mistaken for one Indiana Jones.


Haniel J. Frizzibald Solo III (December 15 1746 - July 14 1790) was a well-known American smuggler, operating his ship, the Millennium Falcon, out of Boston harbor in the late eighteenth century.

Joining the Revolution[edit]

Solo conducted successful smuggling operations for years, until his ship was boarded by an Imperial British customs vessel in 1775. Solo was forced to dump his precious cargo of endangered animal organ and child laborers into the ocean. Solo's then employer, the seven ton John Hancock the Hutt, furious that Solo had lost his dinner, had a bounty placed on Solo's head.

One attempt on Solo's life failed at a Boston tavern, where Solo was able to load and eventually fire his flint-lock pistol under the table, over the course of seven hours, while he distracted the bounty hunter sitting opposite him with, as he would later describe it, "obstinate ribaldry". Some, however, claim that the bounty hunter shot first. While this is generally considered to be the more accurate view, many historians dispute it, proudly declaring that "Han discharged the introductory round!".


Solo would eventually take two cultists (Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Sister Fucking Skywalker) on board as passengers, in an attempt to pay off his corpulent employer. Against his will, Solo was drawn into the Pussy Revolution by his new passengers.

Solo was eventually captured by Hessian Mercenary Boba Von Fett and taken to John Hancock the Hutt. His friends, however, were able to rescue him, but only after stepping on Lord Hutt's tail, causing a rift in time/space that temporarily distorted his hard-light projection, which onlookers describe as 'looking like shit'.

The End of the Revolution[edit]

Eventually, the Rebels were successful. Unfortunately for Solo, he was executed by the new government for "cavorting with a maiden of noble birth", as well as for witchcraft (some witnesses reported Solo commanding a swarm of super-intelligent bear cubs during the final battle of the Revolution).

See also[edit]