Hanging chad

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"A good way to ensure there are no hanging chads is to stab and slash and hack and slice," suggests candidate Ralph Nader helpfully.
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hanging chad.


Background: The 2000 Election[edit]

In the 2000 US Presidential Election, there was widespread fear by Florida election officials that its retarded population would have trouble voting for Fidel Castro. Castro, they observed, should have a fair chance at election, just like the two other major candidates, George Bush and Pat Buchanan.

The plan, hatched by Florida election official Katherine Harris, was to have ballots which contained only those three candidates' names. This way, Florida morons could not possibly waste their votes on losers. However, it was believed by the Florida legislature that this would be in violation of Florida's State Constitution, which states in Article 4, passage 9, section 12, part 4a:

The State shall never give its residents the impression that we don't care about them, since they are cranky old farts and we'll never hear the end of it.

It was believed that Florida's cranky old farts might wish to waste their votes, and subsequently believe that their stupid views were not being heard. So, a "grand compromise" was hatched: The Hanging Chad Ballot. This gave the old farts the impression that they could vote for whomever they wanted, but in fact prevented them from voting for anyone but Bush, Buchanan, and Castro.

How It Worked[edit]

The Hanging Chad ballot made use of an advanced marketing concept known as fine print, which had been known to lawyers and marketing executives for years, but had never before been used by Government — which until 2001 had been forced to rely on obfuscatory language to confuse and mislead the people. It was particularly effective in Florida, where the average age is 132, because old people can't see anything.

The names of all major party candidates, minor party candidates, and non-candidates were listed on The Hanging Chad Ballot. Next to each name was a box in which the voter was to leave a spot of his or her blood (note: people confirmed HIV-positive or with names similar to those of people with HIV cannot vote in Florida, for fear of infection). A person simply placed his or her spot of blood next to the name of the person he or she intended to vote for.

However, to prevent dumbasses from voting for people who couldn't win anyway, there was fine print under every name other than those of George Bush, Pat Buchanan, and Castro, which read:

But really I mean Fidel Castro.

This caused people who intended to vote for losers to instead cast their votes for Castro. In this way, no votes were wasted on losers, and no old fogeys got their panties in a bunch.

What Happened[edit]

Unfortunately, due to a tragic oversight by Harris, it was determined that Floridians could not vote at all using this system, since they are in fact bloodless reptiles and not mammals. They attempted to "make do" by filling in their boxes with pens, a clear violation of Florida's State Constitution. Florida's vote was suspended, but it was believed that if every vote had been counted, Castro would have won in a landslide. Instead, the U.S. Supreme Court, in order to avoid confusion, appointed George W. Bush to be President, based on alphabetical order.

A Comedy of Errors[edit]

It was only after the fiasco had ended that it was discovered that Fidel Castro could never have been President of the US, since he had been dead since 1995. It was also discovered that reptiles do, in fact, have blood, so they actually could have voted; they simply were never told that they were to use blood and not pens. Lastly, it was discovered that Buchanan comes before Bush in alphabetical order, and thus Pat Buchanan is the President of the US.

See Also[edit]