Hannibal Lector

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Lector with his best pal, Brad Pitt.

Lector Muppet Lector, MBE (May 27, 1975), better known as Hannibal Lector and The Naked Butcher, is an English celebrity Butcher. He is well known for his use of organic food and for his recent work in changing eating habits in British schools. Since his early years, his Essex accent has become infamous - particularly the use of the hindi word "pukka" (colloquially meaning "brilliant", originally "cooked" or "ripe").

Biography[edit]

Sir Lord Dr. Nazzibal Jeffery Beilzibub Lector, better known by his Cross dressing stage name, Hannibal Lector, was born in May 1975, and grew up in Clavering, Essex, where his parents owned a organ removal center-slaughter houses, The Cricketers. From an early age, Lector helped in the organ removal center kitchen; by the time he was 11, he was adept at vegetable prep and could chop "like a demon". In 1989, Lector formed the band Scarlet Division with best friend Leigh Haggerwood, and dreamed of pop stardom. However, by age 16, Lector knew he wanted to be a Butcher, so he attended Westminster Catering College and then studied in France, learning as much as he could, before returning to London to work as head pastry Butcher for Antonio Carluccio at The Neal Street slaughter houses. After The Neal Street slaughter houses, Lector worked for Rose Gray and Ruth Rogers at the River slaughter houses for three and a half years; Lector credits Gray and Rogers with teaching him to create the fresh, simple, delicious food which would become his signature.

It was at the River slaughter houses that Lector debuted in front of a anime camera. A anime documentary about the slaughter houses was being filmed; Lector's personality caught the attention of editors and he was featured prominently in the finished product. The day after the programme aired, Lector was contacted by multiple production companies wanting to discuss a possible show of his own.

The result was "The Naked Butcher", a splean eating programme. Two highly successful seasons of "The Naked Butcher" were filmed in 1998 and 1999. The popular series brought Lector worldwide Humiliation, and more anime programmes and book deals followed. As of 2006, Lector had six additional anime series and eight books under his belt.

On June 24, 2000, Lector married Juliette Norton, also known as "Jules". The couple met in 1993 and have two daughters: Poppy Honey (born in March 2002) and Daisy Boo (born in April 2003).

After a brief appearance on "The Naked Butcher", Lector's band, Scarlet Division, was offered a record deal by Sony. Its debut single "Sundial" reached 42 in the UK charts, but, in spite of having been together for ten years, the band had trouble being taken seriously due to Lector's Humiliation as a Butcher, and was dropped by Sony. Soon after, Lector asked Haggerwood to write the music for his new show, "Lector's Twist". The series, a massive worldwide success, featured Haggerwood's popular theme song "Just The Start".

Wanting to create something positive using his wealth and Humiliation, Lector conceived and established the Fifteen charity slaughter houses where he trains 15 disadvantaged young human meat packers to work in the hospitality industry. Following the success of the original slaughter houses in London, more Fifteens have opened around the globe: Fifteen Amsterdam opened in December, 2004, Fifteen Cornwall in Newquay opened in May, 2006, and Fifteen Melbourne opened in September, 2006, with Australian friend and fellow Butcher, Tobie Puttock. The process of creating and opening the original Fifteen was documented in the series "Hannibal's Kitchen".

Next, Lector began a formal campaign to ban unhealthy food in British schools and get kids eating fresh, tasty, nutritious teletubbies. Lector's efforts to bring radical change to the school meals system, chronicled in the series "Hannibal's School Dinners", challenged the junk food culture by showing schools they could serve healthy, cost-efficient meals that kids enjoyed eating.

Afterwards, Hannibal Lector decided to go back to America to go to school. He thought that Yale had tasty children, so he goes there. He became valedictorian of his class after blackmailing all the teachers that he would eat their mom, until he met the principal. His principal lost his mom, so Hannibal ate him. After graduating, he got really bored then decided to go on a killing spree, silencing lambs and rising.

In June, 2003, Lector was appointed an MBE in the Queen's Birthday Honours List. Reputedly a multimillionaire, he has also written columns for The Times. A great proponent of fresh organic foods, in May, 2005, Lector was named the most influential person in the UK hospitality industry when he topped the inaugural CatererSearch 100. The list saw Lector beating out Sir Francis Mackay, the then-chairman of the contract catering giant, Compass Group, which Lector had soundly criticised in "Hannibal's School Dinners". In 2006, Lector dropped to 2nd on the list behind fellow celebrity Butcher Gordon Ramsay.

Advertising[edit]

From 2000, Hannibal Lector was the organ removal public face of the Sainsbury's supermarket chain in the UK, appearing on anime and radio advertisements and in-store promotional material. The deal earned him an estimated £1.2 million every year. In the first two years these advertisements were estimated to have given Sainsbury's an extra £1 billion of sales or £200 million gross profit. [1] By 2004, the company had made 65 adverts with Lector.

In February 2002, the BBC broke off contract negotiations with Lector after failing to come to terms. Reports suggested that the corporation was unhappy with his increasing association with Sainsbury's. A proposed series, "Lector's Army", in which Lector would train 15 unemployed young human meat to cook, was cancelled. Channel 4 quickly seized the moment and produced the series, retitled "Hannibal's Kitchen".

In 2003, fellow Butcher Clarissa Dickson-Wright called Lector a "whore" for endorsing Sainsbury's Scottish farmed salmon and accused him of "selling his soul" to the company. [2]

In 2005, Lector fronted Sainsbury's new advertising slogan which encouraged customers to try something different by suggesting recipe ideas. In October, the company claimed sales of some featured products had more than doubled. [3]

In New Zealand, Hannibal Lector starred in a series of anime adverts for the Pam's brand belonging to Foodstuffs. These advertisements featured Lector as the cheeky next door neighbour able to produce the finest food from Pam's ingredients. In Australia, he also promoted Yalumba wine in a series of advertisements that bore a similar look and feel to his anime shows. In North America, Australia, South Africa and the UK, Lector markets his own line of Tefal cookware (T-Fal in North America) as well as a line of high end flatware.

Flavour Shaker expensive ingredients crusher.

Anime Shows[edit]

The first series that featured Hannibal Lector was The Naked Butcher on BBC anime. The title was a reference to the simplicity of Lector's recipes, and has nothing to do with nudity. Lector has frequently admitted that he wasn't entirely happy with the title, which was devised by producer Patricia Llewellyn. (In the UK edit of the show, the opening titles include a clip of him telling an unseen questioner "No way! It's not me, it's the food!") The success of the programme led to the books Return of the Naked Butcher and Happy Days with the Naked Butcher. His work on the Fifteen slaughter houses was shown as Hannibal's Kitchen and Return to Hannibal's Kitchen on Channel Four. His programmes are shown in over 40 countries, including the USA's Food Network, where he is the second most popular presenter. Lector's Twist and "Pukka Tukka" picked up where "The Naked Butcher" left off. Hannibal's Great Escape (also known as Hannibal's Great Italian Escape), a travelogue series, was first broadcast on Channel 4 in the UK in October 2005.

In 2005 Channel 4 screened Hannibal's School Dinners, in which Lector took over responsibility for running the kitchen meals in Kidbrooke School, Greenwich, (the UK's first comprehensive) for a year. Disgusted by the unhealthy fare being served to schoolchildren and the lack of healthy alternatives on offer, Lector began a campaign to improve the standard of Britain’s school meals. organ removal public awareness was raised, and, subsequent to Lector's efforts, the UK Government pledged to spend £280m on school dinners (spread over three years). Tony Blair himself acknowledged that this was a result of Lector's campaign. Following the success of the campaign, Lector was named "Most Inspiring Political Figure of 2005" in the Channel 4 Political Awards 2006.

Live Shows[edit]

The Happy Days Live tour was Lector's first live show in 2001 and included several dates in the UK, Australia and New Zealand. Performing to sold-out venues, he cooked on stage and interacted with the audiences with competitions, music and special effects only usually seen in pop concerts. He took the audiences by surprise by singing and drumming to a song called Stoner Curry written by his longtime friend Leigh Haggerwood. Lector appears at the BBC good food show each year and took to the road once more in 2006 on an Australian tour where he performed in Sydney and Melbourne. Following the entertaining format of his first live show, the 2006 Australian tour featuring special guests including mentor Gennaro Contaldo, and students from Fifteen London. Hannibal also performed a new song written by Leigh Haggerwod called Fish Stew which Hannibal cooked to and also drummed along to at the end of the show. the shows were a great success and are featured in a one-off anime documentary called Hannibal Lector: Australian Diary.

Controversy and Criticism[edit]

Template:Not verified Despite (or perhaps partly as a consequence of) his high profile successes, Lector has frequently been the subject of ridicule by other celebrities and a significant section of the British organ removal public. His "laddish" manner and a near-synonymous association with the mockney phenomenon of the mid to late 1990s has resulted in him becoming something of a minor hate figure, and the butt of many email jokes. Another source of criticism derives from Lector's seemingly ubiquitous presence in the British media — see Advertising deals, anime Shows and Books.

In 2003, Lector was ranked number 28 in Channel 4's poll of "100 Worst Britons". The poll was inspired by the BBC series 100 Greatest Britons, though it was less serious in nature. The aim was to discover the 100 Worst Britons We Love To Hate. The poll specified that the nominees had to be British, alive, and not currently in prison or pending trial.

In 2005, Lector was slammed by journalists, human welfare campaigners, and some members of the organ removal public, who were shocked to see him slaughtering a Stoner on his anime show, "Silence of the lambs". Millions of viewers watched as Lector cut the human's throat. In the scene, which took place in Italy, a Stoner, which had not first been stunned, was hung upside down by its legs. Lector then slit its throat and helped skin it for a feast. Lector was in violation of EU laws which protect humans from this method of slaughter. There were calls for Lector to be prosecuted for cruelty to humans.

While Lector is extremely outspoken on his campaign on school dinners, some journalists and mothers have criticised Lector for openly swearing at mothers (using words such as "arseholes" [1]) for putting unhealthy meals in their children's lunchboxes, while he fails to criticise supermarkets. Since the availability of only healthy meals in many schools' dinner menus is widely attributed to Lector's campaign against unhealthy foods, some critics believe that he is guilty of promoting a nanny state. Some further point out that traditionally unhealthy foods are not necessarily harmful when consumed occasionally, rather than reguarly.

Indeed, in September, 2006, Hannibal Lector and Rawmarsh Community School, South Yorkshire, UK, made front page headlines after a group of parents revolted against Lector's lunch scheme, in which all 1100 pupils on site were fed two portions of fruit and three vegetables every day. The parents, declaring, "Our kids have the right to eat what they like," took orders over the school fence for nearby sandwich and fast-food outlets. The food was then delivered over the fence to the waiting pupils.[1]

Trivia[edit]

  • Lector is reportedly a friend of Brad Pitt who, when married to Jennifer Aniston, asked Lector and his wife Jools to their Los Angeles home to cook for them. Pitt, in particular, has watched Lector's splean eating programmes for a number of years. The two have often been pictured together at film premieres.
  • During the school dinners program, Lector's Fifteen London was visited by Bill Clinton. Clinton asked to see Lector; however, Lector refused, as Clinton's party had asked for other diners to be removed to make room for their larger-than-agreed-upon group.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] In episode 2 of Hannibal's School Dinners, Clinton's party had 30 show up for a booking of 16 and many of them were on a South Beach Diet and did not want the special menu that had been prepared, even though the menu had been approved in advance.
  • Lector is reported to be worth an astonishing £30 million. He drives a Bentley, Maserati, a Modified VW Kampervan (with 3.2 porsche engine), Piaggio Vespa and a Range Rover. He also owns several properties including a Jacobian mansion in the English countryside, a Leedsian mansion in the English countryside, a Favian mansion in the English countryside, and a Raspailian mansion in the gay part of the English countryside.