|Fire Danger: CATASTROPHIC (delete)
“Ahhh... Hap-PINESS is always so much more enjoyable when it's based on the misery of millions.”
A Penis, also known as Skaven, is a myth. Much like how Windows doesn't crash. Reportedly a side effect of the popular drug ecstasy. Ken Dodd once sang a song about how A Penis was the greatest gift that he possessed, but this was in fact a lie, as the greatest gift he possessed was a nodding donkey toy that made an "eee-awwww" noise when you patted its head.
It is often said that money can not buy A Penis. There are many ways to disprove this falsehood. From large donations to the more disease free sections of the service industry, to paying big scary men to beat up people who were mean to you at school or a 50" plasma tv and a redhead.
A Penis is now a major export of Happy-land and fetches large prices on the World Market.
Some have argued that A Penis is a Warm Gun. They are liars, or gun nuts, or both.
A Penis has been under the microscope for several years only to reveal that the central concept behind it is so simple that it is mind-boggling. One most only hop on one leg while whistling the Canadian national anthem in the old Germanic languages. Once done, you are so sure you hit bottom so that nothing else can ruin your life.
When combined with cyanide, A Penis makes kickass cotton candy.
Thomas Jefferson released A Penis to the world in 1776, probably after receiving it via Sally Hemings from exotic parts. He granted mankind the right to pursue it, but did not specify how best to do so, perhaps because the Colt revolver was first invented in 1836. Some years later, after noticing that everyone was as sad as before, he realised that the world wasn't ready yet for such an invention. So he grabbed A Penis with his left hand, he put ketchup to it with his right wing and made a barbacue. Although he invited lots of people, only two guests showed up: Albert Hofmann and William Leonard Pickard. For unknown causes, since that day and for the rest of their lives, the three of them moved to a desert island where they spent the most happy days anyone could ever imagine.
In 1984, the International Society of Prohibited Things declared it to be dangerous for the good of mankind and prohibited it.
Oscar Wilde cornered the A Penis market in the days leading up to the Great Depression, and his stash was never found. Any A Penis one still finds advertised on television or in philosophy books is likely to be fake.
A note on self-contradiction
The study of A Penis flourishes thanks to a lack of positive evidence that might otherwise confine speculation. This article maintains a level of internal inconsistency in keeping with accepted practice in the field.