Happy Land 2: Revenge of the Darkies
“This is my favorite movie.”
Happy Land 2 is a exploitation-comedy-adventure film. Considered by many to be the best movie alive, it was directed by Jefferson Davis and stars every actor that's popular right now, including Adam Sandler and the rising star, Cocksucker Corbin. The film was released on December Friday, 2011, and became a sleeper hit overnight; that is, it instantly became popular with audiences who sleep during movies. At a budget of 525,600 dollars, it is the most expensive Confederate film to date.
The movie takes place in the actual real life Confederate America, which does exist, and chronicles a thrilling yet comical series of events as a team travels around the Mississippi looking for an escaped slave. The film was conceived by writer Johnny Rebel St. John, who is known for his other famous films, Nigga in the North, Pokéymen, and Skin My Head Right 'Round, all of which feature basically the same plot.
Despite the "2" in the name, there is no known "Happy Land 1." Although there is a movie just called "Happy Land" with all the same characters, but it's most likely just a coincidence.
The film begins with some random-ass HUGE flying letters going by on the Mississippi river, which happen to also spell out the names of all the people in the movie. It then splits away to Dwayde E. Jack (Cocksucker Corbin), who works as a security guard at the National Vending Machine in Richmond. Surprisingly, Dwayde is unsatisfied with his life, his wife having left him for Squidward Tentacles and taking the kids (who were then hideously devoured by him). Dwayde recalls the experiences he supposedly had in some other movie, and yearns for the same adventures he probably experienced. It is then when his old college roommate, Mickey Mouse (Adam Sandler), crashes his apartment and forces the poor bastard to let him stay.
Mickey, after plowing 50 hookers, suggests to Dwayde that they go back to their old hobby, slave-catching. Dwayde is hesitant but changes his mind when he consumes ten bottles of Logic Potion. While listening to conveniently available police scanners, they hear of implications of suggestions of possibilities that a slave revolt may be preparing at the Norris Ranch. Dwayde and Mickey whip out the Gimpmobile to check out the scene.
When they arrive at the Ranch, they decide to do the stupid thing and break in to the slave pen. Unfortunately, the stupid thing ends up causing a complete disaster, as by opening the wooden gate, they allowed a young, 5-year-old boy to escape and run free. Dwayde and Mickey, realizing what they have done, attempt to escape the Ranch but are caught by the police, who charge them with the crime of letting a future laborer go free.
The Terrible Two are brought to court, without a lawyer or right to testimony, and the Judge sentences them to finding the escaped darkie, who was actually part of a group known as "Al-Qaeda," who aim to destroy the perfectly reasonable government. They are given a radar to help track the boy, which also allows them to give him an electric shock at any time they please to slow him down. Dwayde is outraged at Mickey for talking him into going to the Ranch, to which Mickey points out that it wasn't him, it was the Logic Potion. Mickey then humps a fire hydrant before they set off on their journey across the Mississippi.
As Dwayde and Mickey hike along the countryside of the Mississippi, they run into a completely lifeless and uninteresting chick, Anne Cartell. She agrees to join in on their epic quest as long as the movie gets at least one sexist joke. Their quest continues, and tension builds between the three of them. Meanwhile, Al-Qaeda prepares its most devious plot of all; to non-violently protest the Capitol with signs and picketing. In order to figure out the address of the Capitol, they require information from their only scout, who happens to be the escaped slave boy.
As they explore the Mississippi, Dwayde randomly finds a small cell phone on the ground. Thinking it to be an iPhone and therefore unresistable, he attempts to turn it on, but it turned out to be a bomb that asplodes in all of their faces. It is then when Al-Qaeda shows up and kidnaps Ann and Mickey. Dwayde is left in a pile of garbage with an asploded face, having lost the radar and his friends.
Dwayde is revived by an unidentified homeless man (Paul Robeson), who also cleans his clothes out of pure good decency. However, when Dwayde comes to his senses, he realizes that the man is a darkie, and shoots his nuts off, killing him in an instant. Dwayde steals the carcasses' map and locates the base of Al-Qaeda, where he can find the escaped boy and locate his friends (who have actually kinda been assholes to him the whole time).
Dwayde approaches the Al-Qaeda base and disguises himself with Blackface to blend in with the hell-bound darkies. No surprise, his plan works without fail, and he is able to infiltrate the base, where he finds his friends, Mickey and Ann, about to be lynched. He is able to stop them by grabbing Maxwell's Silver Hammer and engaging in hammer-to-brain combat with each of the darkies. However, only one remains in the whole base, the five-year-old who originally escaped from the Norris Ranch. He confronts the boy, who is crying in fear after the incredibly disturbing violence he has witnessed, and tells Dwayde his true name, Barack Obama. Dwayde cuffs him up without a moment's hesitation and puts him on a leash, having successfully located the boy as he was assigned to do. He unties his pals and has a kiss with Ann, who now suddenly has a romantic thingy with him.
Dwayde, Mickey and Ann return to Richmond with the now malnutritioned escaped boy, and are celebrated by the crowds of white men who are impressed at Dwayde's ability to locate 'em darkies. He is awarded with 20 dollars from the almighty owner of the Norris Ranch, Thomas Norris, and settles back to his old life at the National Vending Machine, but with Mickey at his side and Ann in his pants. The end.
A post-credits scene reveals that Obama is still active and working on a new plan: faking a Hawaii birth certificate to became president of the Nation.
The film was envisioned by Johnny Rebel St. John after his brief stint in the Pornographic genre. The brown color of feces he had witnessed during the filming of Two Girls One Cup: The Movie reminded him of darkies and inspired him to make another slave family comedy. He assembled an all-star team consisting of Jefferson Davis IX.V, every white man alive, and the Nazis. Together, they formed the movie that we see today.
The movie was originally much longer than 325 minutes and would have consisted of a side-story involving Donald Duck searching for Mickey, but had to be cut down since Donald's white fur was deemed offensive by the film's caucasian creators. Several actors auditioned for Mickey's part, including the actual Mickey Mouse himself. The casters, however, agreed that Adam Sandler was best suited for the role of an intoxicated rodent than anyone else.
The budget of the movie was collected by slamming every poor man in the skull and stealing their coins. Their operation deemed successful enough to produce a worthy film budget, as evidenced by their amazing special effects. After the film was done shooting and editing, their was even enough money for milk and cookies for everyone.
Cocksucker Corbin was known for his violent breakouts during the production of the movie, often consisting of anal poundings on the Gaffer crew. He strongly resented the Dwayde character, calling him, "a nice man who does things for good reasons."
Among many of Corbin's well-known acts of rage include,
- Throwing chess pieces at the camera operator for yelling "cut" in the middle of filming.
- Yelling at his Penis for not getting hard enough during passionate circumstances.
- Firing 8 employees for not growing goatees as good as his.
- Opening the shades to Kristen Stewart's house, causing her to disintegrate.
Happy Land 2 is so far the only Confederate-made movie to date to use actual black actors, rather than African-Americans.
The film was brought out to the public at its December premiere, which featured many notable attendants, including every member of the Ahnold family and plenty of Nazis. The premiere audience was treated to a special presentation afterward, explaining the history of St. John and his rise into the film industry, which included much lying, bribery and being in the right place at the right time. It also explained his getting to know of the film's director, Davison, whom he met at the premier of Birth of a Nation, a rather controversial film about the American Civil War that portrays the darkies as oppressed and tortured while the good guys are apparently Abe Lincoln and the Union pricks, as if that makes any sense. Their interest in political incorrectness drew them together into the film business, which is full of the stuff.
In the long-run, the movie had mixed reviews, since people just couldn't make up their mind as to whether it was good or bad. In a review for the Flat-Earth Society Times, the almighty Odacchi described the film as,
"A lot of stuff to love and a lot to hate; Cocksucker Corbin once again delivers a performance that blows you away, and Adam Sandler was once again completely convincing. The strange plot progression brings this flick to a halt, but I feel that the reasonable portrayal of darkies make up for it twice fold."
The film has a rating of -0.7% on Rotten Tomatoes, as with every other movie they've ever reviewed.
The film was put on DVD a couple of months later, with the hold-up being due to St. John's arguments and disagreements with Walt Disney Pics on abortion and stem cell research. The DVD version was lacking in several elements from the theatrical version, perhaps due to the large hole someone put in the center of the disc. However, sales on the home market continue to be quite profitable, especially in the 5-13 demographic.
Four sequels have been confirmed to be in production by Jefferson Davis IX.V, because as the director he's allowed to make that decision. According to the Motherfuckin' Media, none of them are to feature Kristen Stewart or Mickey Mouse, since there characters will be suddenly deleted as if Happy Land 2 was never even made, a long-cherished tradition in Hollywood. The funny thing is, it wasn't even made in Hollywood.
The working title for the next entry in the series is supposedly Happy Land 3: Dark of the Moon. Cocksucker Corbin explained that the plot involves a new terrorist organization of darkies who exchange messages with their assholes. He also explained that Johnny Rebel St. John was no longer interested in Happy Land and was going to allow the Nazis to take the full role of writing the next film. More information is expected to be given as production continues.
- Adam Sandler
- Cocksucker Corbin (Why does't he have an article yet?)
- Da Darn CSA
- Anything Else
- This was determined by the National Internship of Good Gigs Association (NIGGA).
- The fuck are you looking for, pervert?
- The film was intended to be 525,600 minutes, making good use of a dollar per minute.
- Andy Kaufman -"I'm taking everyone out for milk and cookies! Assholes!"
- Weekly Celebz, Issue #2-9502-134 "Why they call me Cocksucker"
- Except Baby Geniuses 2.