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The Hapsburg family ruled Rome through the dark ages, and into the twentieth century. Although best known for the raunchy comedian in-joke "The Aristocrats," their stay in power has had a profound effect on the very metric system some of us use today.

Early life[edit]

King Colonel Richard "Soopa Doopa" Hapsburg was born in Armenia to a couple of Spanish convicts in Ought 1.3. At that point he hadn't yet become king, nor had he received such a jaunty nickname, but all that was to come.

One day, as he frolicked through the rain, dragging his brother Dorgan along behind him, he slipped and fell into a gopher hole. Inside this hole he discovered innumerable objects of value, including the ancient Earth ring of his great great amazing great grafather Capitaine Planetta.

With the help of that ring, he was able to flatten land for farmers and level crooked chairs, which was much needed at the time. A young Aristotle noticed this precocious child's fantastic talent, and ordered half the land of his people to be given to him.


As King, he no longer had to waste his wages on # because the ladies were literally falling all over him. After he had his throne relocated to somewhere that wasn't in the middle of the street however, all of that changed. He needed to find a bride, and he needed to find one then. Luckily he found an ad for mail order "wimmens" in the daily paper. He sent away for one and, many prostitutes later, she arrived in two separate boxes. Nothing that a little glue couldn't fix.

Conveniently, she happened to be named Pearly Malkovich Hapsburg, so they wouldn't have to deal with all those annoying papers. Pearly had a rare case of stupidity, which caused her to be very stupid. The symtoms of her stupidity were "not knowing anything about anything" and "forgetting everything about everything once she'd been taught it. In fact, Pearly Malkovich Hapsburg is credited with coining the phrase "What are the Haps?" But at least she was hot, right guys?

Due to erroneous copulating procedure, King Colonel Richard "Soopa Doopa" Hapsburg had become pregnant in the head with many children. The children were delivered at St. Haphaestus's Hospital of the Holy Wonderment, and most of them lived. There was a boy named Candlerinaldo, a girl named Hapsburg, a girl named Hepsberg, a boy named Lou, and a girl named Apple.

They all lived happily ever after, until their empire crumbled during the Great Depression in 1929.