The Harley-Davidson company was formed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin in 1903 when amaxophobes Bill Harley and Arthur Walter Davidson teamed up to find a safer form of transportation than the deadly railroad.
"Not only will this spectacular invention change our nation, but it will ensure the early death of my daughter's boyfriend," said Harley. Davidson is quoted as saying, "I can finally go to the dentist."
When the first line of motorcycles (named "The Indian" in order to again assert our technological superiority over the natives) went into production, they were soon recalled due to a fatal design error costing 160 unfortunate lives. "The problem was that whenever you rode at night, the front candle kept blowing out. Not only could people not see the motorcycle, but the rider couldn't see what was in front of him," said the duo. "We corrected this problem by replacing them with these new 'light bulb' contraptions."
In 1908, The new "Indian" was an impressive machine utilizing a revolutionary 1000cc V-twin steam engine with a whopping 8 mile an hour top speed. This would eventually be replaced in 1909 with an internal combustion engine bringing the horsepower to 800 with a top speed of 412 miles an hour.
"It finally killed my daughter's boyfriend!" exclaimed Harley cheerfully.
Today Harley-Davidson not only leads the nation in motorcycle production, but also owns 4 states (Iowa, Kansas, North Umbria, and Utah), is responsible for 86% of total human sexual intercourse and 96% of misspelled tattoos. To date, H-D motorcycles have killed almost 2 million stupid boyfriends. Thank you, Harley-Davidson.
Years later the kick-start bike was invented when, while attempting pushstarting the stupid thing, a very pissed off Harley jumped on the bike pedal to bust it off and the engine fired right away. Of course when he tried to show it to Davidson, it threw him completely over the bars. (Ignition advance hadn't been invented yet).
Should I buy a Harley-Davidson?
If you can answer "NO" to one or more of the following, there's a good chance you'd be at home on a Harley-Davidson:
- Can you actually ride a motorcycle?
- Are you satisfied with the size of your penis?
- No, really, are you satisfied with the size of your penis?
- Okay, is your wife satisfied with the size of your penis?
- Are you still in denial even though your wife is blowing the pool boy right now?
- Does it bother you that your parents love all your siblings much more than they love you?
- Does a big-ass, 700-pound piece of costume jewelry seem pathetic and desperate to you?
- Are value, engineering, or performance remotely important to you?
Still not sure? You'd be a great Harley-Davidson owner if you can answer "YES" to any of these:
- Are you a weak-minded joiner who has to follow the crowd in order to express his individuality?
- Is your ass so fat that you can't lift your leg far enough to mount a real motorcycle?
- Do you decry homosexuality as a sin against God...except when you're in prison (again)?
- Are you an accountant, dentist, or engineer desperately in need of a street-cred injection?
- Do you have major issues with self-esteem? Well, do you, ya fat pathetic fuck?
- Are you hoping a shiny new H-D will attract the babes despite your sunken chest and small penis?
- Do you consider your hearing (and everyone else's) an annoying inconvenience?
- Would you rather bolt useless shiny stuff to your bike than actually ride it?
- Do you have hardly any sense at all but a whole lot of cash?
Important Historical Harley-Davidson Tidbits!
- 1903: Bill Harley and Arthur "Davidson" McChinkyass kill cross-town shade tree rival James Polanski and steal his motorized bicycle. They repaint the gas tank.
- 1964: Harley-Davidson ceases all domestic motorcycle production in favor of producing more profitable T-shirts. Assembly lines are sold to AMF who build snowmobiles or some shit.
- 1975: Harley-Davidson starts rival motorcycle company Honda®, ensuring they get your money no matter which brand you buy
- 1976: Harley-Davidson sells its 1 billionth T-shirt.
- 1977: Time traveling prankster John Titor brings 10,000 norse vikings from 1042 to Sturgis. The Hells Angels are formed.
- 1984: Style-monger Willie "G" Davidson snorts 56 grams of cocaine and designs the Super-Glide. AMF is sick of replacing everything under warranty and sells Harley-Davidson® to Kawasaki Heavy Industries, who then replace the chain-drive with a belt made from spider-silk and yarn.
- 1986: The Evolution® powered Sportster® model is introduced to the public as an April Fool's day prank. Nobody on the board seriously thought anybody would buy a bike designed to be more disposable thasn a Bic® lighter.
- 1988 Sales rise sky high after the dealers started promising it would never rain again.
- 1991: Terminator 2 premiers. Harley-Davidson stock climbs to $52,061/share.
- 2002: Harley finally work out how to let an engine rev properly - the V-Rod is born. By Caesarian section, no less!
- 2003: Harley celebrates 100th Anniversary. Elton John headlines at celebratory party after Oscar Wilde cancels due to scheduling conflict.
- 2004: Harley David's Son, a group of Christian motor-cyclists first goes ridin' for Jesus
- 2006: H-D celebrates the 20th anniversary of the Sportster® -- and introduces the Limited Edition Sportster® Commemorative Bic® lighter for just $59.95.
- 2007: Harley upgrades its Big Twins to 95 cubic inches with a six-speed transmission in an effort to offer more value to customers. Competing models from Mack, Peterbilt, and Kenworth still offer more power...and better handling.
- 2008: Harley-Davidson opens $600 million Museum in Milwaukee in an attempt to prop up lagging sales. Motorcycles can now move directly from factory to Museum, eliminating bothersome "customers" from marketing plan.
- Get your motor runnin'
- Head out on the highway
- Lookin' for adventure
- And whatever comes our way