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NOTICE TO POTENTIAL TOURISTS PLANNING A VISIT TO HARLOW: All of the following is absolutely, infallibly true. Don't believe a word of it.

“Harlow is definitely home to some of the world's most profound terrorists. We must nuke this area immediately before the flying spaghetti monster realises we are all to blame”

~ Timmy Mallet on Harlow

Harlow is an utter dump populated only by scroungers, cider-fuelled slags and chavs one of the UK's most-visited-by-tourists towns, an honour it has held ever since it hosted the Olympic Games in 1523; the year that Virginia Woolf (Harlow's most famous resident) won the Men's Speed-Archery contest.

The Olympic Games, Harlow, 1523. Although these spectators appear to be giving the Nazi salute, they are actually indulging in that summer's craze of 'doing an impression of Superman flying, but if he only had one arm.'.

Harlow is world famous for the quality of its diamonds, mined in the Parsonage Leys part of the town, and for the fact that its official languages include Welsh, Hebrew and Badger. The national anthem of Harlow is the Moonlight Sonata, the national dish is a map of Thanet, and the official religion is topiary.

Harlow will, unfortunately, have to be destroyed in the near future as it lies on land ear-marked for the proposed Torquay-Vostok motorway route.

Harlow is home to some very unusual animals, found nowhere else on Earth. Nobody knows what they are.

One very unusual place to visit is The Harvey Centre, which in addition to being a shopping centre with branches of The Spurs Shop, Tesco and John-The-Hippy's pipes'n'skins stall, is also the only entry point to Hy-Brasail (the magical kingdom of the Fair Folk) to have been awarded three Michelin stars.

Dogs are a popular sport in Harlow. Every Thursday at 3.12pm, Harlow women meet in their traditional dress of cloaks made of blu-tak to compete in Dogs. Disciplines include Dog Snorkelling, Dog Rolling and the famous Dog Toss. After several rounds, the winner is paraded through the streets with a flaming barrel of tar upon her head, finishing up at the ancient stone circle in the centre of the town square. She is then bled by a mythical character known as Thorgmara (played by the oldest man in the town) and the blood boiled up to make a type of fizzy beer.

Annual Activities In Harlow[edit]

For one weekend every year, many people flock to Harlow to abseil the Harlow Water Tower for kicks, under the pretense of a charity fundraiser. This was suspended recently upon the discovery that local organisers were using the willing participants to check whether the stairs and ladder was actually stable in the tower. There is a plaque dedicated to the lives of those who tragically fell.

Schools In Harlow[edit]

Bray's Grove Skool.

Harlow has long been known as a worldwide centre of academia, and a large part of the town's economy is based on revenue attracted by its four famous and prestigious private schools. The first of these schools, Bray's Grove, was established in 1345 by Lord de Voidovsense; the nobleman also made famous by his invention of custard later on in his life, in 1967.

Stewards School, winner of the Posh School's Rugby and Homosexuality Competition in 1767, 1768, 1769 and quite a few other times too.

Stewards School was established a few years later, in 1523 (at 10.23am, 8th March) and originally catered only for the sons of the clergy. However, the school has been extensively modernised and now also admits the sons of professional breeders of Siamese cats. The school has tapped this vast resource of specialist knowledge and offers the world's only GCSE Siamese Cat Breeding course, as a result of which it has produced more than 7 British Prime Ministers and at least one homosexual.

Passmores School is perhaps the most traditional, even old-fashioned of Harlow's schools; and offers a range of very traditional subjects such as wife-beating, slave-owning, imperialism and dying of the plague. However, wary of becoming an anachronism in these modern times, the school has taken great pains to present a more up-to-date image by painting all interior walls magnolia and has introduced a more stylish uniform for its pupils. Ideally, students of Passmore are to engage in an activity called samlearning. If the Norygen language is to do with anything, they are actually doing samleie. Two people have made a real effort as to prove that poofters and boredom is of no existence at Passmore. If you read "Welcome Parents", it may also include students that are parents. YIGGIDI YIGG !!

Passmores School's modernised uniform is just as up-to-date as that of any other typical British inner-city school.

The last of the schools to be set up was Burnt Mill, first opened in 1789, but closed after an explosion in 1790. It reopened seventeen years later, only to burn down in 1867 after it was hit by a meteorite; which, it is claimed, was magnetically attracted to the school by the physical experiments of Prof. Thomas Oldefarte, a teacher at the school. Reopened again in 1873, the school suffered further calamity in 1890 when it just vanished into thin air one night, taking over 400 schoolboys with it. However, in 1923 the school was rediscovered in Alaska and brought back to Harlow at great expense, and has remained there ever since. In 1989, the school was caught in the act of levitating - experts discovered it was attempting to fly away to Brazil, but they managed to throw ropes over it and tie it down.

Burnt Mill School. The ivy has been grown by renowned ivy expert Donald Waresmetroosers to disguise the ropes that fix the school to the ground.

Culture and The Arts in Harlow[edit]

Harlow's world-famous opera house, situated at The Stow. Soon to be demolished and replaced by Aldi.

The people of Harlow are great patrons of the arts, as reflected by the fact that the town has one of Europe's largest opera houses. There are also eighteen galleries with collections ranging from Ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia at the Classical Gallery (to be found on Little Walk, The High) to the modern collection at Gallery 7 (Brocklesmeade, Great Parndon) which has the largest collection of paintings by Modigliani in the world. The world-renowned Harlow Art Collection is the most popular with tourists, and has a collection that far surpasses that of most national galleries.

Tourists are advised to book tickets in advance - the arts are very popular in Harlow. This queue was for the opening of an exhibition of 1870s architectural drawings.

Famous Harlow Residents[edit]

The History of Harlow[edit]


Archaeologists have discovered possible traces of human inhabitation in Harlow dating back to the Mesolithic (middle stone age) period, when ancient man built the vast earthworks known as Ryth Banks in the area now known as the Town Park. Later, in the Neolithic period (the Mesolithic period happened on a Thursday morning, the Neolithic in the afternoon), the famous henge (a circle of stones) was built on top of the Banks; and although this circle is not as famous as Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain, many people have claimed it to be far the more spectacular of the two sites. 18th Century archaeologist John Aubrey (discoverer of the Aubrey Holes at Stonehenge, a type of Neolithic goatse) summed up Harlow's henge thus:

"Stonehenge, though worthy of study, is merely a parish church in comparison to the cathedral of Harlow henge."

Detail of the beautiful Emerald Torc, found in Harlow in 1989. Replicas are available from the town's Argos jewelry store.

It appears that, in prehistorical times, Harlow was a trading post where tribes from as far off as Bishop's Stortford would come, by following the already-ancient trails over the Essex-Herts Border Mountains, with their herds of cattle to market. Several excellent examples of ancient British art have been found in the area, most notably the beautiful Emerald Torc and the Mother Goddess statue found in the Fern Hill ship-burial, discovered during the construction of Harlow's world-class sports stadium in 1989.

Harlow in the Historical Period[edit]

As the poet Virgil records, Aeneas found his way via Carthage to Italy and there founded Rome. A less-well-known veteran of the Trojan War named Carlos Kebabsopolopolous had greater adventures still. He and his army of 30 men were blown this way and that by the capricious winds and dusky maidens of the Mediterrainean, spending the treasure they had looted from Ilium to survive during their ten-year wanderings - Malta's ancient sail-through MacDonald's still bears a plaque to this day, commemorating their visit in 765BC. Their ship eventually sailed in heavy mist through the Straits of Gibraltar and then North, stopping en route on the coast of France, where they battled with a tribe of Gauls known as Le Tribe de Asterix. The Gauls were worthy opponents, and after fighting non-stop for five days and five nights the two armies decided instead to settle matters with a two-player game of Mortal Kombat; which in those times was a very different game to that which we know today. Carlos selected his mightiest warrior, Cillitbang the brother of Ajax; and the chief of the Gaullish tribe picked his own hero Antoine, who despite the girly name was a ginger-bearded giant of a man with an iron axe which was said to have weighed 200kg. By using long pointy sticks, the two leaders goaded their fighters, and the fight went on for some hours. Finally, Carlos' champion began to gain an upper hand, and soon had Antoine out-cold in the dust. Carlos announced his victory over the other chief by standing bolt-upright and emitting the famous cry that has been bellowed out by victorious warriors ever since, though few now know the true meaning of the strange, ancient words:

"pWNT, n00b!"

The Greek ship was loaded up with cheap French beer and cigarettes and then set sail out into the stormy waters of the English Channel. Two days and two nights later, they sighted land and named the island Ingerland, in honour of Inger, a Swiss chamber-maid Carlos had seduced in a hotel near to the village of the Asterix tribe by feeding her chocolate laced with a strange spice known as ro-hyp-nol he had bought on the North coast of Africa. The bedraggled army landed and marched inland, fighting hairy bandits covered from head to foot in tattoos as they passed through the wild hop farms of what we now know as Kent. Carlos had an artist with him, and remarkably some of his drawings survive to this day; most notably one of a Kentian with tattoos clearly visible: they can still be understood to say "Swanage fc rool ok, deff to the spurs" and "Arsenal are a bunche of gayboy pooffs." In time, they came upon the Thames Estuary, where they came upon a spectacularly ugly hag named Jade. In return for payment of gold and traditional Greek food, the hag went into a mystical trance by using a strange herb she called 'skunkweed', and revealed to Carlos that he would find his destiny across the river in a place called Essex. Jade asked one final favour from the exotic Greek chief - the recipe of the food they had given her. She wrote down the details, and this amazing artifact is still with us, preserved in the Museum of Ancient Scripts at Cambridge University.

  • Take a flatte piece of breade, and slice itte longwaise.
  • Add somme extra-hotte sauce of the chilli and somme mayonnaise. Iffe you lyke, add also yoghurte.
  • Place attoppe the sauces somme poorlye-cooked meatte of dubious originne. Track-kille, dogge and catte are partickularly suitable meattes.
  • Garnishe with somme salad, ideallye made fromme olde, browne lettuce and mouldye onions.
  • Calle this a doner kebabe. Itte goes verye welle with Stella meade.

Essex appeared like a promised land to the exhausted travellers, with its trees laden with fruit and abundant game. In very little time, they came upon a beautiful valley, nestling betwixt two gently sloping hills and divided by a sparkling, silvery river. Carlos called his army to a halt and they gazed in wonder upon this beautiful new land, before their leader guided them down the hillside. Reaching the banks of the river, Carlos thrust his spear into the soft, fertile soil and proclaimed, "Here, my loyal men, here is where we shall build the golden capital of our new kingdom!"

Harlow's famous cathedral.

An alternative account of the formation of Harlow also bears similarities to a different Roman myth, that of Romulus and Remus. It records the tale of two babies, Kevin and Jamie, who were abandoned by their mother in the dark Essex forests. The two babies would undoubtedly have died, were they not discovered by a giant she-staffordshire bull terrier who suckled them as she would her pups and raised them to adulthood. Kevin and Jamie fought the warriors of all the local tribes until there was nobody else willing to meet them in battle, at which time they were declared to be kings. The two brothers ruled fairly and well, gaining the respect of their people who lauded them as deities, and set about building the greatest city of Ancient Britain - the city we know as Harlow.

Harlow in the Dark Ages[edit]

Harlow's city walls have repelled invaders since Roman times. Nowadays, they bring people in instead: they're a must-see on the Harlow tourist trail!

Like all civilised areas, Harlow found itself beset on all sides by barbarian tribes after the fall of the Roman Empire, but fared better than most due to its impregnable city walls, which can still be seen to this day. The city remained an important centre of trade, with ships from as far afield as China and India bringing cargoes of gold, silver and spice to the port situated where the Harvey Centre now stands. With trade, of course, came prosperity; and by 500AD Harlow was by far the richest city in Europe, if not the world. The markets had grown to such vast proportions that the world's first stock exchange was built here; a fact made even more remarkable when one realises that the building was the tallest construction ever erected, standing at an amazing 900feet high - taller than Canada Tower at Canary Wharf in London, currently Britain's tallest skyscraper. Tragically, this awe-inspiring building was completely destroyed in the Great Earthquake that hit Harlow in 547AD, just twenty years after the tower was completed, and no artist's impressions survive. Harlow had also become famous for its medical university, established as long ago as 323AD. Students and teachers there made such incredible inventions as the CAT scanner (389AD, not known in the rest of the world until the 20th Century) and organ transplantation. This concentration of medical expertise explains why Harlow, unlike all the other towns and cities of Europe, was unaffected by the Plague that broke out in the years 350 through to 1700. Indeed, records show that not one single resident of the city - young, old, rich or poor - died of the disease. Victims of the Plague made the pilgrimage to Harlow from all the far-flung outposts of Europe to fall upon the mercy of the city's famous doctors, and to this day the people of the town (known world-wide for their altruism and concern for others) hang their heads in shame when reminded of the fact that, in 400AD, they could take no more sufferers, and had to lock the gates of the city. No-one was permitted entry without a medical check-up until 1546.

See Also[edit]