Harold Bloom

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Harold Bloom.

“Ah, yes, Harold Bloom. One of the most boring people I've ever had an affair with”

~ Oscar Wilde on Harold Bloom

Harold Bloom (1492--) is a world-renowned fat man, also known for writing long books (and I mean looooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnngggggg books) on literature. He is semi-famous for making statements such as "Why do we read this crap?" and "You sir, are an idiot. Can you loan me twenty bucks?"

He was one of the main influences on Camille Paglia, who evolved from one of his chins, or so someone claimed on this website. (Hey, if it was on the internet, it had to be true! Right?)

He began lifting at Yale in 1900, after reciving a degree in "Literary Studies so Complex That It Takes A Group Of Old, Fat White Men To Explain Them To Our Television Audience (And Even Then They Won't Get It)."

In the 1920's, Bloom became the character of Bloom in James Joyce's novel Ulysses.

Sucess (or lack of it)[edit]

In 1915, Bloom published his first book, Wallace Stevens and I: or, Why You're Too Dumb To Read. It met with little critical sucess outside of Bloom's house. In 1970, however, he published his manifesto called The Influence of Anxiety. The Influence of Anxiety became a bestseller, dispite the fact that it met with very, very mixed reviews.

Since then, he has churned out books of criticism that last up to 9,000 pages. He has edited anthologies (including Five Writers That Are Great Because I Taught Them and Why I Hate Stephen King and the People Who Agree with Me and, most recently, I'm Lonely, No One Comes to Visit Me Anymore) as well as writing new stuff. His latest book is Idiots and Angels about people who believe Charlie's Angels can help them in real life.


Bloom has come into controversy several times. Once when he slammed Harry Potter as "...the most meaningless, pathetic garbage I've ever read." There was a public outcry because he did not refer to the Harry Potter series as a piece of sh*t, which it is.

In 1991, he began a long-running feud with Stephen King. "The man only writes dime-store crap," Bloom wrote in his introduction to an anthology of Stephen King's writings. Since then, the master of Horror fiction and Bloom have gone after each other several times. On one famous Televised debate, King summoned the Man in Black from the Dark Tower series to go after Bloom. However, Bloom countered by tricking the Man in Black into going into a classroom, where Bloom then taught a Shakespeare course. Medics tried to recusitate the Man in Black, but failed.

Later the same year, Bloom criticised future Nobel Prize-winner Doris Lessing, calling her a "Fifth-rate Sci-fi author." Lessing retaliated by reading selections from Harold Bloom's journals to a live audience, including one very embarrassing section where Bloom attempted to write his own science fiction novel.


“Harold Bloom is a brilliant man and a great thinker and a wonderful author. He will go far.”

~ Harold Bloom on Harold Bloom

“This book sucks”

~ Oscar Wilde on Harold Bloom's Why I'm Smarter than You
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