Harry Potter (books)/books

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For the main Harry Potter series article, please see Harry Potter (Books).

Harry Potter and the Philanthropist's Stock Options[edit]

The British cover of the first Harry Potter Book.

In the first book, Harry, a small and especially irritating bespectacled child who, in the Golden Age, would be down the tin mines earning his keep (bloody kids these days), learns that his benevolent aunt and uncle Vernon and Petunia are in fact the heads of a Masonic splinter lodge. To keep their secret well hidden, Harry is bundled off to boarding school where he is visited in the night by a large bearded dwarf telling him that he's "special".

Harry is taken to an ancient bank deep in the heart of London, where he learns that his long-dead parents, killed in a tragic fly-by shooting under the orders of Lord Voldemort (named after the sound produced by trying to yawn with a mouth full of marshmallows), left him stocks and shares worth five times the amount of all the money in Paragon City. Not only that but he has magic powers and, being a small child who desires wanton destruction above all else, is a danger to humanity.

One feeble explanation about "mitochondria" later and he's off to the Jedi Apprentice Academy at Hogwarts to master in Quidditch. He is placed in a secret friendship club known as Gryffindor by a mystical piece of headgear known as the Selection Sombrero. On the way he meets tall, anorexic Ron Weasley and plot device Hermione Granger, who, like him, have special powers and thus require secure detention. After indoctrination at the top-secret Academy they proceed to break all the rules, vandalize ancient works of art and kill off their Self Defence teacher (as well as several other minor characters) under the excuse that they were "saving the world".

The American publication of the book was re-titled "Hairy Pothead: The Sorcerer's Stoned!" in order to help the less intelligible American community to understand the book, though it only served to confuse them further.

Harry Potter and the Chamber Music[edit]

Synopsis: Harry goes back to Hogwarts, which is ironic, because he could have stayed at the good, innocent Dursleys instead of battling Voldemort and all those bad guys. While there, -(Generic Evil Spell #28193)- starts terrorizing the students. Once every month, on the full moon, one student turns into a classical musician -- usually a violinist. At the end of the year, Harry opens this door in the girls' bathroom (for reasons best not disclosed) and discovers a chamber (not that kind!).

Inside the chamber, Harry discovers Voldemort calling himself Ron Biddle. He defeats him easily. However, behind him are four violinists, one pianist, one cellist, one bassist, and one cymbalist: a recipe for pure pain. Harry hates classical music so much that he sits with his ears covered for five minutes of page-turning pain. Summoning his courage, he does his bravest deed yet: uncover his ears and yell, "could you keep it down?" After informing the violinists (Penelope Clearwater, Hermione, Seamus Finnigan, and Nearly Headless Nick), pianist (Filch's cat), cellist (Dean Thomas), bassist (Colin Creevey), and cymbalist (Neville Longbottom), they are freed.

An unauthorized Dutch version of was released a month after, called Harry and the Chamber of Pot. It features a unique sub-plot involving Hermione's physics degree. The rip-off proved so intriguing that it, and not the original, was adapted for DVD. Tolkien was so infuriated over the obvious copyright infringement, he purchased every copy of the direct-to-video creation, using them as Christmas gifts for his less overtly enthusiastic fans.

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Alderaan[edit]

The cover of the third book in the series

“That's no moon...”

~ Oscar Obi-Wilde on Book 3


When Harry senses a thousand voices "crying out, and suddenly silenced", he goes to investigate. It turns out that the notorious spammer Seriously Black has escaped from prison and along with Princess Lisa of Alderaan has decided to use his magical powers of mass hypnosis to try to break the world "simultaneous interrupted scream by a crowd of people" record. Determined to thwart this evil genius, Harry returns to school, only to end up being diagnosed with dementia and locked in a safe.


Voldemort: "Dumbledore never told you what happened to your father."

Harry: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"

Voldemort: "No, I am your father!"

Harry: "No, it's not true! It's impossible!"

Voldemort: "Search your feelings... you know it to be true..."

Harry: "But my dad is hairy!"

Regional Differences[edit]

Different regional printings include variations that suited the local nationality including title and content changes. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Uzbekistan", Harry is arrested for speaking against Islam Karimov and is boiled alive until he confesses to being an Islamic radical. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Afghanistan", Harry is locked inside a metal shipping crate in the sun and left for dead. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Turkmenistan", Harry accidentally offends Turkmenbashi due to the wording of a spell and is imprisoned for blasphemy. Other copies include "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Guantanamo Bay" also known as "Harry Potter and the Iraq Incident" in which Voldemort sells Harry to the marines as a Taliban combatant; "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib" where Harry is stripped naked and forced to cast spells on his privates; "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of North Vietnam" where Harry's Nimbus 2000 is blown out of the sky by a SA-2 attached to a Bludger; and "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Finland" in which Harry can't tell that he's in prison except for the constant reminders that if he ran off, the government would be "very hurt".

Also note that in Soviet Russia, Harry Potter has waited outside the bookstore for days because he was so anxious to read the third book about YOU!

Harry Potter and The Giblets on Fire[edit]

Harry finds himself mysteriously transported into the world of "Chicken Run" (2000), the animated flick about the comedic farm adventures of McAtheist the Stupid Rooster (voiced by Mc Gibson). Set on the sinister Voldemort Egg Farm in 1950's England, Harry is the victim of a diabolical scheme to get him to eat steak and kidney pies on national television, causing terminal embarrassment and hopefully, death. The plan is foiled when Harry ends up eating a vegetarian tofu pizza instead. Dr. Who makes a guest appearance as Voldemort's latest bitch. Harry's "special friend" Cedric Diggory is murdered by Wormpenis, marking Lord Voldemort's return to Witch Weekly magazine's Top Ten Sexiest Terrorists, coming in at a close third to Osama Bin Laden (#2) and George Clooney (#1).

Harry Potter and The Birdy Buddy of the Phoenix[edit]

Clip from the fifth movie.

Having proven the existence of Lord Voldemort, Lord Lucan and Hillary Clinton's ghost in the previous book, Harry becomes the victim of a smear campaign by OK! magazine, which reveals he has dubious personal dancing habits and AIDS. He is coerced into having "private lessons" with the official school mandolinist, Professor Drape and narrowly escapes from a teenage romance with Gabriella Montez through the tactful deployment of a Tesla Coil. He discovers that a group of anti-Voldemort protesters have adopted him as their official patron and sets about prosecuting them over the rights to his image. He also needs to get back at the new teacher, known as Dolores Cum-Bitch, for saying that she "hates children." Harry does eventually kill her by using the charm, "Accio Dolores's heart!" The book climaxes with a death-defying battle with Voldemort, ending with Albus Dumbledore's unexpected plot-twisting revelation: Harry, Voldemort is out to kill you. Harry also learns that he was chosen, over Neville, to be the main character, wherupon he seeks out Neville and teases him endlessly. Harry also seemed to have left caps lock on for the majority of what he says, that, or he has anger-management problems.

Hogwarts suffers the loss of it's two best characters, Fred and George Weasley, who decide to drop out of school. Stealing two brooms from Filch (while the caretaker was trying to mop up the swamp they'd conjured up in the hallway), the brothers escaped Cum-Bitch and took their "business" to South America. However, Just Kidding Rowling compensates for this loss with the introduction of two equally bizzare and therefore awesome characters; Luna Lovegood, and Nymphadora Tonks (who prefers only to be known by her last name, as her first name sounds embarassingly close to "nymphamaniac". The name "Lovegood" isn't much better, now that I think of it.)

Oh, and Seriously Black dies by falling through a shower curtain that's apparently the most secret thing in the Department of Secrets in the wizarding world (which is explained in book 10).

An alternative book has been written to replace this one in the series for those who just can't take it. It's called Harry Potter and the Odor of the Phoenix and it's about how Harry and the gang try to figure out why the phoenix smells so bad. It turns out someone bewitched his poop!

Harry Potter and the Professor Formerly Known As the Half Blood Prince[edit]

WARNING: If you do not already know that Snape kills Dumbledore, this section may contain spoilers.

Snape is revealed to be Voldemort's son. Dumbledore marries Aunt Petunia. Snape gets angry over this, and therefore Snape kills Dumbledore. Finally, it is at last revealed that Harry Potter was not born to James and Lily Potter, but rather was conceived in a one-night stand between Snape and Aunt Petunia. Therefore Dumbledore is Harry's step-father and so is Snape and Uncle Vernon (the former husband). We also learn that Voldemort is half African American. This spins Harry into a personal crisis in which Harry questions his ethnicity. Harry then has a mental breakdown, starts wearing bling, and adds "izzle" to the end of every sentence. This book is mainly important because we learn that Aunt Petunia was a great slut, causing the book sales to hit record numbers when rumors of hot sex descriptions leak out onto the Internet. Six months after the book's release, Rowling was forced to deactivate the Hot Coffee mod that allowed the readers to participate in a mini-game where Dumbledore screws Aunt Petunia.

An Excerpt From Book Six[edit]

Harry slowly staggers into the room, the room is spinning and he has a killer hangover from the night before. In the distance Harry hears someone whisper, "It's Potter." He strains his eyes and in the distance sees the burning, mutilated corpse of Miss Havisham, of the classic novel Great Expectations.

  1. If Harry sees Hagrid being Killed by Snape in Hogsmead with a cauldron scrub brush, buy Book 7.1 ($23.95, order now!)
  2. If Harry sees Dumbledore's lifeless body next to a Snape and a Cauldron of Methamphetamines, buy Book 7.2 - Harry Potter and How He Paid for Wizard College
  3. If Harry sees Dumbledore being left for dead by Ted Kennedy in Chapaquitic, buy Book 7.3 - Harry Marries a Kennedy
  4. If Harry sees an interuniversal portal open with Snape welcoming Ghengis Khan, buy Book 7.4 - Harry Potter and the Wrath of Khan
  5. If Harry goes on to be seduced by a luscious blonde dressed as a cheerleader, buy Book 7.5 - Harry Potter and Hilary Duff
  6. If Harry makes a flying broom out of a cereal box, an old license (or "licence" to the Brits) plate, some duct tape, & a 16-ounce sirloin steak; buy book 7.6 - Harry Potter and MacGyver.
  7. if Harry learns how to build a machine to cure cancer with a pocket knife buy book 7.61/2.
  8. If Harry sees a time portal that transports him with a giant unicycle; buy book 7.7 - Harry Potter and the wheel
  9. If Harry becomes a vampire, and proceeds to assassinate JFK; buy book 7.8 - Harry Potter and the International Society of Vampires (ghost-written by Oliver Stone)
  10. If Harry Potter kidnaps Tom Cruise, and sacrifices him; buy book 7.9 - Harry Potter and Executive Order of Xenu
  11. If Harry is hiking in the forest with a cub scout troop being chased by a homicidal axe-wielding maniac where he dies on every page; buy book 7.10 - Harry Potter and the Nature Trail to Hell.
  12. If Harry becomes the leader of an animated 70's rock band comprised of women dressed as cats who solve mysteries not unlike those of Scooby-Doo; buy book 7.11 - Harry Potter and the Pussycats
  13. If Harry dies of a stroke, buy book 7.12 - Neville Longbottom and the Now-Doomed Wizarding World
  14. If Harry's face goes wrinckly and attempts to be Emporer of a galaxy far, far away, although a guy with a light-up stick, a woman with a wierd haircut and Harrison Ford try to stop him; buy book 7.13 - Harry Potter Episode IV:A New Hope

Original Title[edit]

The Author revealed to The New York Times that the original title was "Harry Potter and Dumbledore Dies", but felt that was too much of a giveaway. She also grappled with the title "Harry Potter and the Land of Embarassment", but the books said that for themselves

Harry Potter and the Deadly Gallows[edit]

The sample cover for one proposed title, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Stargate".

“You want to kill me, don't you? Just pick up your wand -- it's right over there.”

~ The Inquisitor on Harry's severed hands

Otherwise known as Harry Potter and the Deathly Camping Trip, Lord Voldemort is revealed to be Michael Jackson, although by this time most fans had already come to this conclusion due to Voldemort having a mutilated face and preying on minors. Harry gets captured and tortured by the Inquisition, recently revived for that very purpose. Possibly the most useful book of the series, as it provides vital information concerning how to deal with magic users. Face it, you're neither a wizard nor a witch, so info about how they cast magic isn't as useful as "how a direct hit at the face can prevent the wizard from casting a spell on you" or "how the Sign of the Cross can reduce Ron and Hermione to gibbering wrecks". The majority of book, however, mostly consists of violence and gory torture scenes as Harry is interrogated by none other than the great Jack Bauer, Witchfinder Generall. In few last chapters, Jesus himself appear as guest character, leading an army of the righteous in a crusade against all wizards, witches, squibs and innocent bystanders in funny hats, culminating in Harry's execution by hanging. In a postscript, Hogwarts is purified and converted to a megachurch under the pastorship of the ghost of Rev. Billy Graham, the hippogriffs are captive-bred for poultry, Hedwig creates a political stir over logging in the Pacific Northwest, Harry's money is seized by the Inland Revenue for payment of back taxes, and Dobby is relocated to a Malaysian sweatshop. Every character that has ever appeared in any of the books, including J.K. Rowling, is killed (except James and Lily Potter). This is due to the fact that after the inquisition went back on their promise of amnesty for her in exchange for information, J. K. Rowling called Tyber Zann to stop them; Zann called for a massive bombardment of Earth by over 9000 Aggressor-class Destroyers, killing and/or destroying everything and everybody on, in or around the planet.

The publication of HPATDG has been dogged by controversy after Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger claimed that it was blatantly plagiarised from their 1487 work, the Malleus Maleficarum. However, Rowling's lawyers pointed out in court that having been dead for more than 500 years, the only way Kramer and Sprenger could bring a suit was by the involvement of necromancy, and the two were dragged off to the stake.

A 2007 article in Shoujo Beat, a teen magazine, reported that Rowling had arrived on the sound of the title before deciding on the specific wording and plot. Alternatives batted about included:

  • Harry Potter and the Deadly Bellows: Queen Victoria returns to head Hogwarts, and all ragamuffin orphans like Harry are put in their place, working in a workhouse with lax safety standards, making bespoke monocles for gentlefolk.
  • Harry Potter and Dudley's Tallow: Desperate for replacement suet for a candle-enchanting spell required to graduate from Hogwarts, Harry finds an unexpected source in his oft-annoying cousin.

The article also went on to state that Daniel Radcliffe is "soooo hot".

Due to massive hype in Harry Potter and high expection in the last installment, Rowling decide to play safe and request Uwe Boll to direct the movie adaption.

List of characters killed in Book 7[edit]

  • Daniel Radcliffe - He was (thankfully) killed during the recording of the first scene. He was then replaced by Zac Efron.
  • The Prime Minister - Thrown out of the window by Kingsley Shacklebolt for reasons that still remain a mystery. This ignited the Muggle-Wizard war, in which we were all killed.
  • Ron Weasley - killed before a firing squad after attempting to evade arrest for credit card fraud.
  • Hermione Granger - Gave herself up to the police at the beginning because she didn't want to be a troublemaker. She was burned at the stake after a 5-minute trial found her guilty of "being all lah-di-dah".
  • Fred and George Weasley - Killed in an unrelated gang shoot-out in Liverpool whilst fucking a load of French chicks.
  • Cho Chang - Tried to get Harry back after his defeat of her ex-lover, the shy and sexy Voldemort, but fell on her own plastic knife whilst trying to assasinate Ginny in her sleep.
  • Remus Lupin - Shot by a farmer while eating his sheep (not in werewolf form).
  • Tonks - Died of a feral mutated combination of rabies and AIDS that Lupin had been carrying (you need to get tested for these things).
  • The Dursleys - Killed when their Volvo collided with a petrol tanker on the M1 the blast killed 1500 others.
  • Peter Pettigrew - Turned into Scabbers to evade being killed, only to get caught in a mousetrap.
  • Charlie Weasley - Killed when the dragon he had flew into a Mcdonald's and caused Ronald to shoot him.
  • Arthur Weasley - Killed by nerve gas pumped through the chimney whilst logging on to the Floo Network.
  • Molly Weasley - Locked away in the wizard prison of Azerbaijan after using the word "bitch" in Book 7. There, she committed suicide after being gangraped by Bellatrix Lestrange and her gang, "The Cock-Eaters"
  • Bill Weasley - Beaten to death by the police while resisting arrest in Bristol after attempting to bite several officers.
  • Rita Skeeter- Litterally wrote herself into a corner; after a week of being surrounded by her own obnoxious writing, Skeeter stabbed hereself with her acid-green quill--which, apperantly, contains actual acid.
  • Fleur Delacour - Actually Joan of Arc in disguise, she was seized by police and burned at the stake.
  • Viktor Krum - Sucked into the engine of a Boeing 757 and shredded.
  • The Patil Twins - What's that you say? India? You are saying they were killed by Arabs in India?
  • Percy Weasley - Died like Hermione, only cannibals would have preferred him boiled.
  • Ginny Weasley - Kidnapped by MI5 in the hopes that they could lure Harry to her. When that didn't work, she was burned at stake.
  • Argus Filch - Assassinated by MI5 when they poisoned his flask. His beloved cat, Mrs. Norris, was huffed and then smacked hard against a tree. Mrs. Norris's husband, Chuck, overpowered the tree and ran to safety.
  • Hagrid - Killed in a fight to the death with a cybernetically-enhanced Manticore, but not before tearing the monster clean in half and crushing its atomic power source with his bare hands. The explosion flattened most of Cumbria and damaged the Selkirk television transmitter.
  • Severus Snape - Killed by two drive by shootings that occurred twenty minutes apart, by two separate gangs. Was later reincarnated as a snake and died again after Harry accidentally stood on his head.
  • Kingsley Shacklebolt - Took 50 people hostage in a train, demanding that the government remove it's troops from Afghanistan. He and 4 hostages were killed in the resulting SAS rescue mission.
  • Draco Malfoy - Killed along with his father, Lucius, and 100 other Death Eaters in an RAF strike on their manor.
  • Neville Longbottom - Killed during a shootout with the Royal Marines.
  • Luna Lovegood - Eaten alive by a Crumple-Horned Snorkack (or so her father claimed).
  • Dean Thomas - Killed by MI5 after attempting to sell plutonium to North Korea.
  • Dobby - Faked his own death, changed his name to Vladimir Putin and became Russian president in 2000.
  • Mad-Eye Moody - Suicide by slaughter-house machinery (while the poison took hold.)
  • Dolores Umbridge - Arrested for being an asshole, shot a world record 2469 times by members of Fathers For Justice.
  • Cornelius Fudge - Executed for embezzling government funds.
  • Nymphadora Tonks - Battled Hayley Williams in a Guitar Hero deathmatch to see who had the better hair color, but lost and was killed when Hayley got bored and started smashing her head in with her guitar.
  • Gandalf - Died after Just Kidding Rowling was forced to erase the character due to copyright infringements. He is most mourned of those who died in the book, though he can still be found in a little-known sequel written in China.
  • Mike Myers - Appendix ruptured after watching entertainment tonight (was only mentioned in an early draft of the book.)
  • Lord Voldemort - Died in Edinburgh Hospital after being run over by a drunk driver.
  • Tom Riddle - Died long ago when he gave himself to the darkside in the hopes that his new power could save the life of his beloved snake Nagini.
  • Nagini - Died when she constricted herself by mistake
  • Bellatrix Lestrange - Killed herself by leaping in front of the London to Machester express after realising that Voldemort was never coming back from Edinburgh, but only after knifing every mudblood in Knightsbridge.
  • Narsissa Malfoy - Went to Tokyo to try to ease relations with the Emperor, beaten to death with Betamax video recorders after insulting the chairman of Sony.
  • Prof. Minerva McGonagall - Caught by Animal Protection Services while in cat form and left in the Pound. Eaten by the dogs she shared a cage with.
  • Dimple Dolores - Although she was killed in the fifth book, her grave was incinerated by a Korean A-bomb when Harry "accidentally" sent the Accio charm into a random direction. So technically, she died again.
  • Cthulhu - Great Cthulhu dies of a heart blockage from eating so much fried fish and King Fish, in Louisville, KY. However, the narration claim he will return when "the stars are right".
  • Dumbledore - Died after a fifty-year battle with AIDS.
  • The Inquisitorial Squad - In the extended edition, it was revealed that they in fact were working for a massive galaxy-wide criminal organization, which was how they got their immunity to magic. However, they attempted to quit the organization, which promptly DESTROYED them with a MASSIVE cannon in space. YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE. This led to the resurrection of their victims, which enabled the corporate conglomerate (actually the same criminal organization) to be able to take more money from the fans with further sequels.
  • Professor Sprout - Died after a cocaine overdose and for snorting mandrake nip (the dirty lesbian).
  • Antonin Dolohov - Was killed when the father of his 3 children, Salazar Slytherin, caught him in bed with Salazar Slytherin.
  • Professor Flitwick - Taken apart by furious dwarves.
  • Madame Hooch - Tried to flee Hogwarts in a Grand Theft Auto-style escape, but her sense of direction was no longer what it once had been--due to being bashed in the head by bludgers for most of her career--and crashed her Ford Capri into a wall.
  • Harry Potter - He attempted to escape to Algeria disguised as a nun but was recognized on the plane by Peter Pettigrew. He pushed Pettigrew off the plane but France scrambled fighters and forced his flight to land in Paris. The French were persuaded not to surrender to Harry immediately by the timely arrival of several British infantry divisions. He was then arrested and extradited to the Hague. In the only significant surprise in the book, Harry is sentenced to death immediately and dies by hanging...or did he?...MWA HA HA HA HA HA. Actually, yes he did.

It was initially believed that Captain Picard killed in a vicious battle with a parking attendant while trying to stop Lord Voldermort, however he had been found later on to have escaped in his shuttle at Warp Factor Fuck You. However, Picard did not refer to it as an escape, merely a tactical advance in the opposite direction.

Just before a mob of angry fans managed to tear down the Rowling estate, Just Kidding quickly announced that her final book came with an epilogue, which introduced the children of everyone who was screwed over in book 7, who will carry on the legacy of all the most popular characters. The lynch mob eventually forgave Rowling and released her, in exchange for a cameo in the next Harry Potter movie. (No one knows exactly what part this crowd of rabid fans has been given for the film. But they do know they will appear in the opening scene of movie 6, and it will require them all to be standing on a bridge.)

Children introduced in the new epilogue:[edit]

2James and 3Lilly Potter- clones of Harry’s dead parents, conjured up with the help of Dr. Manhattan, after Harry and Ginny learned that the damage caused by years of accidents while riding broomsticks in Quidditch had made them both infertile. Fans have pestered Rowling to write about both what Harry’s children will be like and what his parents were like as students; this way, she kills two birds with one stone.

Albus Severus Potter- The bastard love child whose birth gave away Dumbledore’s secret, forcing him to come out of the closet, and admit to both having an affair and a child with Severus Snape. (What do you mean “how”? It’s called magic.) Adopted by Harry and Ginny, after his dad killed his other dad.

Rose and Hugo Weasley- Children of Hermione and Ronald Weasley. Were separated at birth following the deaths of their parents (all of the original characters died, remember), in order to protect them from overwhelming publicity. The Ministry of Magic chose a foster home and secret identity for each of the children; Rose was sent to the planet of Alderaan to be raised a princess, and Hugo was sent to the desert planet Dune, to undergo Jedi training. Both of these new identities promise far more private and normal lives than being the known children of Harry Potter’s best friends would ever allow.

Teddy Lupin- Born half a week after the rushed marriage of Remus Lupin and Nymphamaniac—er, Nymphadora Tonks. Having inherited shape-shifting abilities from both parents, Teddy can, under the light of the full moon, morph into any type of wolf of any wild color he so pleases. He uses these abilities to cause both amusement and mayhem at Hogwarts, to try and make up for the boredom that has come from Voldemort’s defeat. (Remus and Tonks named him to honor Tonks’ father after he was killed, not knowing at the time that they might as well just name him after themselves.)

Victoire Weasley- Daughter of Bill Weasley and one of the French chicks that Fred and George were with the night they were killed (see their deaths in the list above). This particular French chick being Fleur Delacour/Joan of Arc. As part veela, Victoire has no trouble scoring with Teddy Lupin, the son of the hottest male from the first series. (The two actually do things worthy of a triple-X-rated video right in front of the Hogwarts express, but no one notices except for a disturbed Albus Severus, because everyone else is gawking at famous Harry Potter and his family.)

Cho Potter- Bastardchild of Cho and Harry. She was adopted by the Dursleys and suffered a terrible childhood like her dad. She decided to join Hogwarts after Mr.Dursley "aciddentaly" falls on her. Despite the many MI5 plants she is wired to the KGB.

Transcript of the final battle[edit]

The following is a direct quote from the culminating fight scene between Harry and Voldemort at the end of the Deathly Hallows, another masterpiece from J.K. Rowling that showcases the writer's skills of captivating modern day youth.

Voldy: [flies]
Harry: u haxx0r ima report u
Voldy: im 1337, u n00b
_Voldy_ was kicked from server
Harry: gg no re

Proposed Title[edit]

The book "Harry Potter and the Deathly Stargate" was the first considered title, though was soon dropped when JK Rowling was threatened with Lawsuits by SciFi Channel and Macgyver. During the legal battle that followed, JK's sudden alliance with the Zann Consortium is rumored to have caused the deaths of Herbert Hoover, The Wicked Witch of the West, and Matt Daemon. Though the title was changed, many fans remain loyal to the original story, favoring Harry's final showdown scene fighting off Voldemort with a Panzer to the one actually used in the book.

Harry Potter and the Snape's on a Plane[edit]

Promotional movie poster for Harry Potter and the Snape's on a Plane

Dumbledore, drawing upon his magical powers of blatant copyright infringement, reappears alive in the Fangorn Forest (this is actually what happens in the series of short stories 'Lord of the Rings' by J.K. Rowling). Upon flying home to step-child Harry Potter, Snape learns of his revival. He makes a whole load of motherfucking clones (apparent reference to Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones) of himself and puts them on Dumbledore's Plane, hoping to kill him once and for all. Dumbledore is played by Samuel L. Jackson in this book and in the movie, unlike the other books in which he is portrayed by Andy Serkis and state-of-the-art computer animation.

Harry Potter and the Overdue Income Tax Form[edit]

In an exciting change of direction from the rest of the series, Book 9 is almost entirely comprised of the now-graduated Harry at his desk as he attempts to complete his tax returns for the year, having put it off until the night before the last posting date! The 8000-page book features such exciting moments as:

  • Aunt Petunia offering Harry a ham sandwich.
  • Cousin Oliver being transformed into a Casio XR-118 Graphing Calculator.
  • Hexadecimal Mode!!!!
  • Harry and Ronaldo's Guide To Tax Form E1337.
  • Harry scratching his head and wondering how the hell he managed to spend £140 at the garden centre. Particularly since wizards use galleons rather than pounds as a currency.
  • Gordon Brown appearing on television, prompting a volley of muttered abuse from Harry.

Harry Potter and the Dining in Hell[edit]

Harry Potter and the Dining in Hell

The Persian God King Lord Voldemort sends his vast armies to conquer Hogwarts. Only Harry Potter and his company of 300 wizards can stop them. Voldemort sends his emissary nigger to convince the Wizards to give up their fight, but ends up getting poofed into the bottomless pit.

  • Harry's Famous line: "Hogwarts? THIS IS SPARTAAA!!!"

Harry Potter and the Transfer Students from Japan[edit]

An anime-inspired title, also known as Harry Potter VS. Magical Girl, which is kinda ironic since Harry Potter believes he's a magical girl. Written exclusive for Japanese edition of Harry Potter and take place as side-story to book 7. Featuring total new style of illustration art and many new characters. This book written in Engrish and no full translation of this book available in English yet. Though fan translation note how the book is "full of underage girl", "tons of panty shot", "giant mecha everywhere" and "freaking-beam shooting spell". Anime adaptation is on the way.

Godzilla vs Harry Potter[edit]

The only book in the series that doesn't star Harry Potter, and the only one not to be titled "Harry Potter and [insert gimmick from the book here]". Actually, it's a movie. Godzilla appears and DESTROYS Hogwarts and Voldemort's army, by tripping. Despite all special effect, the movie is pretty dark as wizards realize that none of their spell work on Godzilla and their barrier prevent Earth Federation's vehicles to rescue. Overwhelmed by despair, Harry himself note how he's so powerless against Godzilla's reign and how stupid the barrier is. It isn't until Hogwarts is completely destroyed and whole area wasted, that Mecha Godzilla finally able to attack Godzilla and drive him away.

Aware that the ending may upset her fans, Rowling include altenate ending in this book where Lord Voldemort summon Great Cthulhu to fight against Godzilla. Nevertheless, Hogwarts is completely destroyed and whole area wasted by the epic battle. It end with Harry, along with most remain characters, got thrown into Asylum after loss his sanity by appearance of the elderich abomination.

Hogwarts Days[edit]

Yet another alternate ending, arguable the most realistic one. Hogwarts Days is, at first glance, a romantic comedy and it is a masterpiece when compared to Rowling's other books. However, it ends when Hermione stabs Harry to death for cheating. Ginny went insane after getting raped by Malfoy and discovers Harry's bloody corpse. In her state of insanity, Ginny lures Hermione out with Harry's cut-off head and kills her with the same saw she used to behead Harry. Audiences learn from Ron, who becomes narrator of the last chapter, that his sister somehow escapes oversea, bringing Harry's head with her so they can be together.

Harry Potter and the Night at the Hogsbury[edit]

In a semi-follow up to Hogwarts Days, Night at the Hogsbury had turn into a slapstick-like comedy with a Saturday Night Live twist and an M. Night Shyamalan twist. It's where the American teens-to-young-adults, Potter and Weasley, sneaking out of the house to go to Hogwarts, but Hogwarts was actually a night club. Does this ring a bell? They go on Hangover-like twists into a cut-off prevention of Harry getting slapped in the balls. They go on and sing What is Love on YTMND and on YouTube.

Harry Potter and the Invasion of the Radioactive Crumple-Horned Snorkacks from a Planet Near Mars[edit]

Harry and his "friends" are enjoying a lovely match of "snooker" with the giant squid, who is totally owning, when a meteor falls from the sky and blows up Hogwarts. Everyone except the 3 main characters dies a bloody death. Now it's up to Harry and Hermione to stop the mutated Crumple-Horned Snorkacks from taking over the world, because Ron is hiding in his closet clutching a copy of "How to be a Whiny Little Git" by Draco Malfoy to his chest.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix's Half-Blood Prince, Prisoner of the Deathly Hallows of the Philosopher's Stone Goblet of Fire in the Chamber of Secrets of Azkaban[edit]

The massive compilation comprised of the books, filler material, terrible figurative language, and every single adverb on the planet. With explicit pictures from Harry/Draco/Dumbledore websites.

Harry Potter and the Fanboys[edit]

A lengthy tome, in which each plothole and continuity error of the entire series is patiently explained away by Harry to an audience of middle-aged men with National Health glasses and poor personal hygiene wearing pointy hats. Harry awards house points for well-behaved fanboys who accept his glib explanations, and disintegrates those who question him.

Harry Potter and The Wizardry of Haruhi Suzumiya[edit]

It start as usual, Kyon mumbling about how Haruhi Suzumiya suddenly has interest on wizardry and take the SOS brigade on witch hunting. First, they encounter novel version of Harry Potter, decide that this ugly kid won't worth to keep around and "dispose" of him. Then they find Daniel Radcliffe, eventually beat him with Nagato's ability and ignoring the protestthat he IS an actor, not a wizard. Most of the book is same chapter, repeat for several times. It might be time loop mention in the story, but more likely to be printing error.

What? You don't understand the description? My dear, that's because the book is actually call Suzumiya Haruhi no Maho or The Wizardry of Haruhi Suzumiya in Japan and is more accurate to be "Suzumiya Haruhi book starring Harry Potter". But Harry's fans decide that it must be "Harry Potter book starring Haruhi Suzumiya". Well, they not really care about Harry, but Daniel Radcliffe.

Goonies conection[edit]

as everyone well know. the goonies appeared in harrys first year at hogwarts, in the form of crabbe,hermione,neville,luna and fred and george weasley

Possible Spin Off[edit]

Just Kidding Rowling has stated there may be a possible spin-off series, due to the recession and all that, 180 billion trillion pounds is not really going to see her through. To gain publicity, JK Rowling asked her readers to vote for the name of the new book, out of a possible list of 17-ish:

  • Neville Longbottom: Enemy of the State
  • Neville Longbottom and the Battle of the Publishers
  • Neville Longbottom and the Accidental Racist Comment Live On TV
  • Neville Longbottom and the Chamber of Deathly Half-Blood Stones
  • Neville Longbottom and the Goblet of Sorcerer's Half-Blood Phoenix
  • Neville Longbottom and the Prisoner of the artist formerly known as the Half-Blood Prince
  • How Neville Longbottom stole Christmas
  • Nevile: The boy who is morbidly obese
  • Neville Bears All
  • Neville Longbottom: Ace Attorney
  • The Nevster - Wizard's Last Hope
  • Neville Longbottom's Annotated Dictionary
  • Neville Longbottom and the Long Bottom
  • Neville Longbottom: Revelation
  • Neville Longbottom: Genesis
  • Neville Longbottom: Exodus
  • Neville Longbottom and the stock market recession
  • Neville Longbottom: Deuteronomy
  • Neville Longbottom and the Adjective Nouns
  • Neville Longbottom and the Shortarse
  • Neville Longbottom and Neville Longbottom and Neville Longbottom and Neville Longbottom and Neville Longbottom and the Cloning Machine

UnBooks:Neville Longbottom: Enemy of the State is now available as a paperback!


Harry Potter has been translated into all known languages, including Arabic, Inuit and Swearing.

In German[edit]

Hallo, Kinder! Wie gehts? Hier ist HEINRICH POTTLER, der Hexenkinder!

  • HEINRICH ist ein Orphnüng, und ihre Parenten sind tod. Er is ein guter Hexenkinder, mit ein rebellische natur.
  • Er sagt "Ich bin ein Toller Hexenkinder! Ich will macht Woldermorten ein üglishe Kröte mit mein Hexenschaft! HEXEN UBER ALLES!"
  • HAGRIDST ist ein große, schwatenzenbarben Mann.
  • Er sagt: "Ich wohne inst eine kleine Hoveln."
  • ARGUS FILTSCH ist das Hüvermann von der Schloß Högvarts. Er hat eine Katze, Frau Filtsch.
  • Er sagt: "Mein Frau ist eine Katze!"
  • ALBUSCH DÜMBELDÖRNIER ist der Schulenfüehrer.
  • Er sagt: "Das ist MEIN Schule! NIEMANS kann sie haben! Heil Hexen!"
  • KORNELIUSZ FUDSCH ist der Hexenreichsfüehrer.
  • Er sagt: "Heil Hexen!"
  • WOLDERMORTEN ist ein Snakenmann. Er hat keine Auge, und keine Nase. Er ist ein Baldenmann alzo.
  • Er sagt: "Hahahahahaha! Ich bin ein nastiche Hexenmann!"
  • RONVALD VEASLICH ist ein gingischer Dummkopf und üntermensch.
  • Er sagt: "Ich bin das Ziedkicker von Heinrich Pottler."
  • ZIRIUSZ SCWARTZ ist ein nasticher Kriminal.
  • Er sagt: "Ich habe ein hexenischer Volkswagen! Züm!"
  • GRINDELWALD ist der Füehrer von der Hexenwelt. Er ist ein übermensch.
  • Er sagt:"Heil Grindelwald! Ich habe ein bal!"
  • HEDVIG ist eine Uhlenmesserschmitt.
  • Sie sagt: "Tü-vhit-tü-hü! Achtung!"

Alles Hexenmanner und Hexenfrauer hat einer Brümschtik. Ein Brümschtik ist ein Messerschmitt für die Hexen.

In French[edit]

C'est minuit. Ici, le Chateau Cochonverrue. Un petit sorcier approche. Il s'appelle Henri Potter.

Il dit: "Pourquoi est-ce je suis un orphelin?" Hagrid, un grande homme avec un barbe noir, dit: "Parce-que vous êtes stupide. C'est toute votre faute."

C'est tragique, mais c'est vrai.


See Also[edit]

Harry Potter
Characters Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Severus Snape · Sirius Black · Luna Lovegood · Dobby · Lord Voldemort
Books List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version · Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-off Novel Series of All Time
Places Hogwarts
Misc. Spells · Ripoffs · Snape kills Dumbledore · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical (Sequel)